Hi... nervous newbie!

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by emzkimo, Jul 7, 2013.

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  1. emzkimo

    emzkimo Active Member

    My name is Emma and I'm 20, I've suffered with some degree of depression for as long as I can remember - only recently have I been told my feelings aren't normal. Every time I felt low and upset when I was younger my Mum would tell me to shut up, grow up etc. I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. Not until recently, too, I was told she went through a mid-life crisis when I was a child and she's also your typical narcissist, so wasn't much hope for me I guess! Bullied for as long as I remember, due to me dragging myself up which has lead to a severe self esteem issue and severe paranoia. There's been a fair amount of shit in my life that I don't feel comfortable posting on here just yet but I'd say the worst thing to happen to me so far has to be my Dad passing away when I was 16. No words can describe the pain I feel every single day, he was the one bit of stability I had in my crazy life, I could always rely on him. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer on my 16th birthday and I stayed with him for 3 months (Mum and Dad seperated when I was 5, reason for Mum's crisis) and watched him go downhill everyday until he died with all of us by his side. Don't think it really hit me til 6 months later, when the suicidal thoughts got too much, went to the doctors, sorted myself out. Dropped out of college (twice) due to not one ounce of motivation. Everything was okayish for 2 years, I didn't feel so horrifically bad all the time like I had before (I did have a steady relationship at this point, so I guess stability was resumed for a while which made things a bit easier.) 20th December 2012, the day it hit me, everything like a ton of bricks, no trigger that I can figure out. I just went absolutely bat shit crazy, started smashing things, hitting myself, hysterical crying, fuck knows what happened. My friends realised something was wrong and literally would not let it go til I told them what was going on with me. They dragged me to the doctors and I was diagnosed with moderate-severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder. They started me on 20 mg of citalopram, which is now at 30 mg. I went to counselling and that did fuck all. The suicidal thoughts just don't stop, I don't have the courage to do it but I don't want to live, so I'm stuck in this purgatory and I hate it, I'm so angry and sad and bitter and twisted. I don't know what I'm expecting from this page, anyone have any suggestions for me?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Emma...unfortunately, I can relate to losing a person who is the main reason why you are in the world...when I was three, I found my grandfather dead, and I knew that day, that my life would never be the same since he controlled my father...I still miss him...I am pleased to hear you have been to the doctor and in counseling...have you told them how you continue to feel? I was in therapy for many years, but it also took me a long time to show up...I hid more than I spoke about...just too ashamed and full of self hate...I share this with you so you know there are ppl who understand...welcome and I hope you find support and comfort here
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the dark place you are in and glad you found us here. Sometimes just having a place to talk is a big help. I would urge you to consider giving counseling a little more time- and perhaps a different counselor if that one just did not work for you. As a counselor told me once about my impatience- if you have felt bad for years why do you think I can make it all better in a few weeks or months? The reality is it often takes longer to get better than it did to reach the lowest point.....

    Take Care and Be Safe

  4. emzkimo

    emzkimo Active Member

    Thank you both for your kind words, I'm hoping to stick around and make some friends.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i've not welcomed you yet.... so hi!. welcome to the site
  6. John B

    John B Active Member

    I wrote a comment for one of your other posting and I completely forgot that you stated that in your hectic life your father was the one major constant that helped to keep you grounded. And without him you’re experiencing something that could be explained as drifting through deep space without a life line or tether. You’re more aware of your personal situation than most people; thank your father for that. I would like to confirm the fact the relationship you had temporarily filled the emotional void that was created by the loss of your father. If that parental word is a trigger, let me know and I won’t use it anymore.
    The best solution for you is to find someone that understands you situation and is mentally and physically willing to help you move forward. I don’t remember everything one experiences while I the grieving process, but I do know that while in a meditative state you need to acknowledge the loss, accept the impact that it had on your life and open your mind to available solutions. You can’t change the past and you don’t have to throw your life away to make the pain stop. Let me know if this helps in any way.
    -I do not know enough to have a valid opinion.
  7. angelicgoddessofdeath

    angelicgoddessofdeath Active Member

    Hi Emma.
    I'm really sorry that you went through everything that you mentioned. I'm not really the best person to talk to but if you feel like talking to me or venting out on me; you can to that with me. I kinda need friends and I'm really good at listening if that even really matters.
    Anyways hi and welcome to SF.
  8. ananthapriya

    ananthapriya New Member

    hi im anantha priya ai am also nervous here.im feel to freely talk to another one, actually i am very shy type when i speak to new one i got nervous.how do i avoid that ?
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Emma and welcome to the site :hug:
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