My name is Emma and I'm 20, I've suffered with some degree of depression for as long as I can remember - only recently have I been told my feelings aren't normal. Every time I felt low and upset when I was younger my Mum would tell me to shut up, grow up etc. I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. Not until recently, too, I was told she went through a mid-life crisis when I was a child and she's also your typical narcissist, so wasn't much hope for me I guess! Bullied for as long as I remember, due to me dragging myself up which has lead to a severe self esteem issue and severe paranoia. There's been a fair amount of shit in my life that I don't feel comfortable posting on here just yet but I'd say the worst thing to happen to me so far has to be my Dad passing away when I was 16. No words can describe the pain I feel every single day, he was the one bit of stability I had in my crazy life, I could always rely on him. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer on my 16th birthday and I stayed with him for 3 months (Mum and Dad seperated when I was 5, reason for Mum's crisis) and watched him go downhill everyday until he died with all of us by his side. Don't think it really hit me til 6 months later, when the suicidal thoughts got too much, went to the doctors, sorted myself out. Dropped out of college (twice) due to not one ounce of motivation. Everything was okayish for 2 years, I didn't feel so horrifically bad all the time like I had before (I did have a steady relationship at this point, so I guess stability was resumed for a while which made things a bit easier.) 20th December 2012, the day it hit me, everything like a ton of bricks, no trigger that I can figure out. I just went absolutely bat shit crazy, started smashing things, hitting myself, hysterical crying, fuck knows what happened. My friends realised something was wrong and literally would not let it go til I told them what was going on with me. They dragged me to the doctors and I was diagnosed with moderate-severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder. They started me on 20 mg of citalopram, which is now at 30 mg. I went to counselling and that did fuck all. The suicidal thoughts just don't stop, I don't have the courage to do it but I don't want to live, so I'm stuck in this purgatory and I hate it, I'm so angry and sad and bitter and twisted. I don't know what I'm expecting from this page, anyone have any suggestions for me?