hi all. i have not been part of a forum like this before, maybe i would not be still feeling like this if i had (also maybe i would.. i dont know yet, thats why im here).
i have experienced suicidal thoughts for a fairly long time now, and had 3 attempts in the past 2 years or so. i am manic depressive but dont see any professionals for treatment or councelling at the moment because when i have in the past they have treatd me like im stupid and just tryed to force (what i consider to be) poisons down my throat. at the moment i am in a fairly rough depressive state, which is why i decided to join this forum, and most days i am currently thinking about/planning to end my life. the first thing i did when i joined was to read the thread about finding coping mechanisms, but my usual methods have always been to use large amounts of alcohol or illicit drugs, which i am starting to think may be doing me more harm than good as then occaisionally i have a difficult habit to beat as well as feeling horrible.
i have plenty of friends and family i could turn to but i have always found the support of other people absolutely useless in these situations because they become too emotionally involved, and the conversations usually turn into how they feel about it rather than what im feeling. i cannot think of any logical reason for me to be depressed/suicidal and nothing makes it go away forever so i am thinking if i cannot fix it, i am always going to have these destructively unhappy periods, then i only have 1 option left....
i have experienced suicidal thoughts for a fairly long time now, and had 3 attempts in the past 2 years or so. i am manic depressive but dont see any professionals for treatment or councelling at the moment because when i have in the past they have treatd me like im stupid and just tryed to force (what i consider to be) poisons down my throat. at the moment i am in a fairly rough depressive state, which is why i decided to join this forum, and most days i am currently thinking about/planning to end my life. the first thing i did when i joined was to read the thread about finding coping mechanisms, but my usual methods have always been to use large amounts of alcohol or illicit drugs, which i am starting to think may be doing me more harm than good as then occaisionally i have a difficult habit to beat as well as feeling horrible.
i have plenty of friends and family i could turn to but i have always found the support of other people absolutely useless in these situations because they become too emotionally involved, and the conversations usually turn into how they feel about it rather than what im feeling. i cannot think of any logical reason for me to be depressed/suicidal and nothing makes it go away forever so i am thinking if i cannot fix it, i am always going to have these destructively unhappy periods, then i only have 1 option left....
yes i know it is a bit hypocritical of me isnt it? i have tried being on meds (a few different ssri anti-d's) over a period of around 8 months and they didnt do me any good, i just felt physically ill from them, and more nervous. when i spoke to the dr about it he dissmissed anything i said, told me to carry on with it and then changed the variety after a couple of months. every time i have tried using the medical services i have been extremely unsatisfied with the care available; basically treated like a foolish child (even tho i was in my twenties by then), fed drugs that they didnt even seem to know the effects of, and no support was offered. i dont trust the medical profession any more, it is too much like a business and has so far only been help to me when iv needed emergency treatment (stitches etc..)