Hi, new here, I have a problem

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MotownJohnny, Dec 31, 2013.

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  1. MotownJohnny

    MotownJohnny Member

    I should be happy, I have career, family, home, money, social contacts, interests. There is only one thing - I think daily, many times a day, about buying the means of my self destruction, and of exactly where, when, and how I would do it. Because of one thing - in August 2012, I was threatened and attacked on the job, and I snapped, it brought back very painful memories. I ended up in the psych ward for 3 weeks.

    And I can't live with the shame and disgrace of that. I should have been stronger. I should never have ceded control of my life to others. And I live in constant fear that people will find out about it, and my personal and professional reputation will be ruined, my career over. I now hate myself, a white- hot burning hatred. I often wish I had died then and there. I see no way out and no reason to try to make a life when it can be yanked away at any time.

    I feel like all anyone will ever view me as is "mental patient" or "psycho" or "nuts".
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hi Johnny and warm welcome.. Lots of troubled , sort of off ppl here.. You not going to be judged here at all..

    Have you tried any professional psych help yet??? Saved my life Johnny.. Had past trauma that was killing me..could help you also.. This will be kept confidential and just tween you and them.. Get some help.. Jim
  3. Hopelessinsalem

    Hopelessinsalem Well-Known Member

    I know sometimes I let my fears get the best of me. I have a very vivid imagination, but it too frequently imagines hings far worse than the reality ever would be.

    Chances are you're doing the same thing. It's "the monster in the closet" thing. There really isn't one there but our imagination and fears tell us there is. When we finally understand there isn't, we feel both better and silly at the same time.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Johnny. Glad you are here. this community doesnt judge. So you can say what you want here. And we all will accept you. After all, we all are here for a reason.

    What I found is that I judged and hated myself far more fiercly than anyone else possibily could have. Like Jimk, I had a psychatrist save my life when i was really going down the tubes. Do you think you might be interested in getting some help for the feelings you have? I think many people would "snap" if old very painful stuff was triggered. Thats wounding. Not weakness. But I do understand judgements upon the self. Oh how I do !! Glad you are here.
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    You are your own worst critic. Thats what I remember when reading what you said.
  6. MotownJohnny

    MotownJohnny Member

    Thank you, everyone. I joined this forum because I truly am on the edge of life or death. I just want resolution to this, and I can't find it in anything. Jimk, here is the scoop on that - I saw a therapist for almost 10 years, 1999 to 2008, to deal with issues relating to my childhood which I felt were holding me back from my true potential. I grew up in a household with a tyrannical, mentally unstable, very abusive father who hated me and treated me that way, but I was forced to pretend to idolize and adore him in public, as were we all. He had some very serious mental health issues, but was very real-world functional and held a very important position in technical management with one of the Big 3 auto companies. I grew up in the same town I live in now - ok, truth, I never left home except to go 70 miles away to college, because I assumed the role of protector and punching bag in place of my mother, I took the blows and intentionally antagonized him, like a rodeo clown baits a bull so the rider can slip away safely. In fact, I just recently watched 'Dexter' on Netflix, and the 'Trinity' killer played by John Lithgow and the family situation portrayed was just like mine, although my father never killed anyone to my knowledge, but he was creepy enough he could have.

    So, yes, I was in therapy. To start that, I had to do a psychiatric consult, I passed as sane I guess. Until Aug 4, 2012, when a client's disturbed boyfriend wanted to "blow your f****** head off" - because My boss and I had the audacity to try to get this clinically disturbed, convicted felon drug dealer to stop abusing and taking criminal financial advantage of a woman of questionable legal competence, as she is borderline developmentally disabled. So, it was ugly, I laughed it off after it was done and quite returned, and left the office with a smirk on my face - twenty minutes later, I was pulled over in the parking lot of a Lowe's during a torrential thunderstorm crying and puking my guts out, for like half an hour non-stop. Something broke in me then, it brought back a flood of memories, such as the time my father held my mother at knifepoint for an hour, telling her to confess to being a *****, and then slit her throat to draw some blood, "as a warning". And, I completely fell apart, couldn't sleep at all, couldn't eat, threw up all day, spontaneous crying spells, started driving like the aggressive demon from Hell, intentionally ran some red lights, and walked around town all night very night for miles, listening to Green Day and Bon Jovi and Emminem and puking in bushes, crying, pleading with God, I walked so much I turned the bottom of both of my feet into bloody hamburger, one massive blister, and then was popping 30 to 40 over the counter painkillers, or more, each day to numb it a little. A couple of weeks into it, I was coming home at night and literally wringing bloody fluid out of my socks, and I got a bright red, hot spreading cellulitis in my right foot, half way up my calf from morning to evening, and I had to go to the urgent care, which of course raised eyebrows. They patched me up, I called a psychiatrist. Very much against my will, I agreed to go to a psych program. I pleaded to be allowed to do this outpatient, but the psych basically insisted I was a threat to myself. So, I did it. I was terrified, it took 3 more weeks, until mid-Sept, to start it. And ... This doctor pronounced me bipolar, saying the walking was "mania" - I guess I didn't get the memo about how much fun mania is, because very minute of that was pure Hell, physically and mentally. And, prescribed no drugs until 2 days before the psych ward, at which time I was started on lamictal 25 mgs. One of many things that I am very bitter about - in the hospital notes, it states I was admitted because I failed to respond to outpatient drug therapy - you know, 2 pills of a starter dose of lamictal, a drug that takes at least two months to really kick in, and I should have been singing and turning cartwheels. Not that I'm bitter, mind you.

    And, I pleaded with that doctor NOT to do that to me, I felt it would ruin my career, I could never perform legal work again, at best I would be lucky to be allowed to scrub toilets at McDonald's with a psych hospitalization on my record. 7 years of college down the drain, my family would hate me for disgracing them, my boss would fire me because what client would want a "mental patient" handling complex and sensitive legal matters for them, and billing them $150 an hour minimum for it?

    So, I pretty much covered it up to the best of my ability. This was a day hospital, not full inpatient - the psych wanted that and I flat out refused.

    So, to this day, I am terrified someone will find out. I am still proud of things I did in life "before" - when I could be proud of myself - a 4.0 GPA in my BA degree, my memberships in the ABA and MBA and the Independent Accountants Association of Michigan, things like that.

    More later, the iPad says 2% battery.
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    you have been through A LOT. The thing that comes to mind though is that none of it was your fault. You were so abused. You did not have to be that abused if you chose to not be a protector. But your integrity caused and causes you to be the protector. And so you are. At a great cost to your own health. This paints a picture of a really upstanding individual who I would trust completely with "sensitive legal matters". I do understand though what you are saying. There are woefully too many people who judge. Many of whom mean no harm. Its out of ignorance that they judge. Society teaches this. Society also teaches to judge ourselves. For me, I do not need society to judge. I took on the voice of my abuser. So I judge myself as harshly as she did and does.

    Sometimes counselling, and even hospitalization can be a positive. Others have very desturbing and destructive tales to tell about their expereince. While I have had some good constructive expereinces, I have had my share of therapists who misdiagnosed, and mistreated me. I have had both.

    I again want to say that I see in your story a person who was abused to a much greater degree because he was a protector. This is a picture of a good person. A person with integrity. And yes, I understand what you say about judgements of society.

    There are groups of people who would not judge you or diminsh your work. They are people who need help from professionals such as you. They are groups that protect and help those who cannot help themselves. Some of them need legal help. Or financial guidence. While they cannot pay, you surely would be of great service to humankind. I would guess that as you assist others in this way, some will turn to you for your paid services. I know I am being overly simplistic. But it seems to me that you are a natural for wanting to protect those who cannot protect themselves. And again, I know what I write is vastly oversimplistic.
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