I don't like to complain much, so most people who know me don't know what's really going on with me. I know there's a way out, but finding it is taking time. The mental and emotional pain I'm in is creating physical pain... a lot of it. I'm also very angry a lot because of the pain, and the lack of caring from family, and the belligerence of people in the hood I live in. I'm starting to hate people for their actions which exacerbate my pain... they're constantly beeping their horns for no reason, laying on them for long stretches with no concern for anyone else. This hurts my raw nerves, and I start getting angry and hateful. Then that anger and hate hurts me, by ruining my capacity for joy even further. It's a vicious cycle, and I slept 18 hours a day for almost a year to escape it. I'm just tired of the horns, and the loud car mufflers, and the motorcycles with straight pipes. The whooping, the hollering, the whistling, the cursing. Sometimes I wish I could kill them all, especially the motorcycle riders who tear down the road near my building, seemingly enjoying their disturbance of other peoples peace and quiet, or just not knowing or caring. But I wouldn't hurt anyone else physically (though I've said some hateful and threatening things out of frustration), so I end up turning that anger, hate and urge to kill inward upon myself, and then get suicidal. I don't know how to break this mental cycle. I'm just sick of it, and want to move far, far away from this place. This state (Rhode Island) is by far the most ignorant state I've ever lived in, and I've lived in five. These people here are just bad... very bad, very stupid, very ignorant, very selfish, very dishonest, very disrespectful, and very belligerent. I hate them. And hating them makes me hate myself for having sunk to this level. I'm just sick and tired of it all. I want to cease to exist, or lash out, but I know those are not options, especially the latter.