I've had suicidal feelings off and on my whole life (I am 34 now), but in the past couple weeks it's been the strongest. It still comes and goes but when it does I end up visualizing it and thinking about what it would be like after I'm dead and how people will remember me. I called an assistance line through my company to get a pro to talk to but to be honest i don't know how I am going to afford the sessions much less the copays thru insurance after I exceed the (very) limited number of sessions covered by insurance. I could check myself into a hospital and get covered 100% but my wife just had a new baby and I feel extremely ashamed and selfish that I think this way, and who knows how long I'd be in there, but I still would need sessions afterwards. I am seeing a social worker now and she must be worried because while I am out for the baby she asked me to call her 3 times a week and wants to see me two times a week now. My wife doesn't know I am going to see her. When I am busy with something and need to concentrate I don't think about it, but when I am left alone with my thoughts and try to encourage myself with my accomplishes and strengths, blah blah blah I feel worse and want to die. I feel I have lost contact with myself and I don't know what I want, what I like, what my passion is, who I am. I feel worthless really. Hope that made sense to everyone, people get confused with what I say which of course makes me feel worse.:sad: I don't know what I should do honestly. I have no friends close enough that I'd discuss this with, and I absolutely do not want to discuss with the wife because honestly she will freak.