hi new here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by onenineteen, Jul 28, 2007.

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  1. onenineteen

    onenineteen Antiquities Friend

    I've had suicidal feelings off and on my whole life (I am 34 now), but in the past couple weeks it's been the strongest. It still comes and goes but when it does I end up visualizing it and thinking about what it would be like after I'm dead and how people will remember me. I called an assistance line through my company to get a pro to talk to but to be honest i don't know how I am going to afford the sessions much less the copays thru insurance after I exceed the (very) limited number of sessions covered by insurance.

    I could check myself into a hospital and get covered 100% but my wife just had a new baby and I feel extremely ashamed and selfish that I think this way, and who knows how long I'd be in there, but I still would need sessions afterwards. I am seeing a social worker now and she must be worried because while I am out for the baby she asked me to call her 3 times a week and wants to see me two times a week now. My wife doesn't know I am going to see her.

    When I am busy with something and need to concentrate I don't think about it, but when I am left alone with my thoughts and try to encourage myself with my accomplishes and strengths, blah blah blah I feel worse and want to die. I feel I have lost contact with myself and I don't know what I want, what I like, what my passion is, who I am. I feel worthless really.

    Hope that made sense to everyone, people get confused with what I say which of course makes me feel worse.:sad: I don't know what I should do honestly. I have no friends close enough that I'd discuss this with, and I absolutely do not want to discuss with the wife because honestly she will freak.
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I totally agree with that first paragraph. It;s good to see you getting help :) congrats on the baby too.
    Welcome to SF and I hope many of us can lend an ear and offer advice :hug:
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What you had to say makes perfectly good sense. I am glad you chose to call the assitance line and are now seeking help. Your wife and child need you. It is much better for you to have to figure out payong for limited sesions than it is for your wife to try and figure out how to raise a child on her own. Please do not give up. We will do our best to support you through this. Please take care. :hug:
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome and so glad you found us...it must seem odd that there is a new baby and you are feeling this way...it has happened to me with a great job that I should have felt wonderful about, and still the darkness crept in...we are here to listen and try to understand...is there someone who can support your wife while you get the treatment you feel you need? i am sure ppl who care about you want you healthier and more content...just a thought...welcome again, big hugs, Jackie
  5. onenineteen

    onenineteen Antiquities Friend

    My wife isn't one of them. For weeks I've been turning this over in my head and never once did she notice or say anything. She is not the reason I've turned down this road but it seems like just another bad choice I made in life and that I am with the wrong person. Every time she is hostile towards me it's like how i feel when i am with a group of people. I think of something and speak up but someone interrupts and says something better and clearer that gets everyone's attention and my voice is lost. What I wanted to say was not important. Maybe i deserve it and it's my fault. I think back years ago before high school when i was happier and it seems at some point i lost my way and ended up here. I know somethings not right and i feel it's too late to fix it.
  6. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    :smile: Congrats on the new baby, im glad you have sought help, the thoughts of suicide can be stroing and painful we cant always deal with it alone and :welcome: to SF you will make many friends here and we can all relate to the way u r feeling just now keep safe
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