Hi.... new here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chickpea, Aug 27, 2007.

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  1. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    Hiya,

    I am new here to this site. I was going to post in the introductions forum, but I know whatever I will say would be most appropriate here instead. Sorry in advance.... this is a long ramble :unsure:

    I wish I could sort out my problems, but I don't feel like I can anymore. I think that I will end up killing myself very soon, and I've been close to doing it for ages. I know I should probably keep it to myself, but for some reason I just need to get that kind of thing out.

    I feel so sad. Ironically I'm helping my friend get into hospital for depression asap. But I don't think that would help for me. I've been in and out of therapy for a few years now, to no avail. Nothing wrong with the counsellors, they are all great people. I think it is just time for me to go now.

    I'd never try to involve anyone else in my suicide, and yet... for some reason... I don't want to be alone! I pretend to be pretty tough, even though I'm a girl lol. I pretend that nothing really bothers me and yet I'm petrified to die alone. I want to do it, but I just wish that it wouldn't have to be by myself :blub:

    I've read about a million methods and I would never do anything that I felt was not totally SURE to work.... and I have picked the way that I think is best (of course, I wouldnt write it down here) and I have most of the things I need. I feel so hopeless, but I always told myself if I ever get SERIOUS again I will either set myself a certain task, or wait 2 weeks. If I still feel the same then I will feel less guilty about doing it. Before, the task was to read an informative book about suicide. I lost the book lol. Now... the task is to wait til next counselling session and be honest there. That is next week. I want to be SURE. I have put these 'safeguards' in place.... so I guess we will see how the next week turns out.... :blink:

    I needed to get that out... thanks.
     
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's good that you were able to get that of your shoulders. Also it's good that you have these safe gaurds. What exactly is causing you to feel this way though.

    Good luck with your next counselling session.
     
  3. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    Hi mystic... I love your avatar!!!

    There isn't anything really specific making me feel this way.... I have felt depressed for years. It started at about 13 and I'm now 20 - still young I know! But I have tried counselling and I'm in contact with doctors etc. I've been doign that a few years now.

    So.. there is the general depression. Also, I think I have some form of eating disorder, involving being sick a few times a day... and it is so controlling. And I self harm, and drink too much.... and I've tried to stop all of this but I just can't. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm at uni, and not coping too wel with doing the work even though it is an easy course.... also didn't make any friends there. I've got one friend in 'real life', then a few I met online who I don't see often. I don't want to sound moany.... but I just can't seem to find enough reason to fight anymore :(
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Nah, your not being moany at all.

    I think having more genuine people and people who you can trust, around you would be of major help.
    Have you moved away to go to uni?

    The positive is that you have attempted to stop your self harming and other problems.
     
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