Just saying hi for now. Been feeling very on the edge lately, made an attempt a few weeks ago, ambivalent that I'm still here. Thinking of another way out. My story is long and complicated, can't even think where to start other than here and now, but there's so much more to it than that. Don't tell me to see a pdoc, no money, no insurance, which is part of the problem - oh, and no way to get any, either, for various reasons which most responsible people would denigrate me. I am filled with sadness, rage and confusion. I am isolated by choice, the less I do, the less I want to do. I have no interest or desire for much of anything other than self-destruction, though I'm not even doing much in that regard other than smoking 5 cigs a day and not exercising anymore and so carrying 40 extra pounds. I'm not alone - got my significant other (s.o.)(not sure how I feel about him anymore) and his mom (who has dementia) and six cats. I have a sister in LA, and my 90 year old dad is in FL. Not that close to either one anymore. My other sister died last year after brain cancer and complications after that - she was 60. I'm about to turn 55 in two weeks, if I make it to then. I've made some crap decisions in my life (didn't realize at the time) that have brought me to this so I can't blame anyone but myself. Another aspect is that I am a spiritual person and have had some amazing and wonderful experiences and insights and came to believe things that helped me to a degree of happiness and joy that I hadn't known before. Medical marijuana helped a lot a few years ago as well, opening doors that led to powerful beliefs! Now, though, I wonder if any of that was real enough to sustain me through this darkness in which I've found myself. I know all those things are still with me, they can never be taken away, yet when I try to reach for them, it doesn't feel right to claim them anymore, so they slip away, more and more, and I can't get hold of any of it anymore. It's not that I don't deserve it, I know that I do, I just can't do it, the hopelessness is too much. This corner I've painted myself into I can't get out of. I'm at the bottom of deep, dark pit with no way out. Okay, enough!