hi - new here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by lost1002, Sep 21, 2010.

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  1. lost1002

    lost1002 Member

    Just saying hi for now. Been feeling very on the edge lately, made an attempt a few weeks ago, ambivalent that I'm still here. Thinking of another way out. My story is long and complicated, can't even think where to start other than here and now, but there's so much more to it than that. Don't tell me to see a pdoc, no money, no insurance, which is part of the problem - oh, and no way to get any, either, for various reasons which most responsible people would denigrate me. I am filled with sadness, rage and confusion. I am isolated by choice, the less I do, the less I want to do. I have no interest or desire for much of anything other than self-destruction, though I'm not even doing much in that regard other than smoking 5 cigs a day and not exercising anymore and so carrying 40 extra pounds. I'm not alone - got my significant other (s.o.)(not sure how I feel about him anymore) and his mom (who has dementia) and six cats. I have a sister in LA, and my 90 year old dad is in FL. Not that close to either one anymore. My other sister died last year after brain cancer and complications after that - she was 60. I'm about to turn 55 in two weeks, if I make it to then. I've made some crap decisions in my life (didn't realize at the time) that have brought me to this so I can't blame anyone but myself.

    Another aspect is that I am a spiritual person and have had some amazing and wonderful experiences and insights and came to believe things that helped me to a degree of happiness and joy that I hadn't known before. Medical marijuana helped a lot a few years ago as well, opening doors that led to powerful beliefs! Now, though, I wonder if any of that was real enough to sustain me through this darkness in which I've found myself. I know all those things are still with me, they can never be taken away, yet when I try to reach for them, it doesn't feel right to claim them anymore, so they slip away, more and more, and I can't get hold of any of it anymore. It's not that I don't deserve it, I know that I do, I just can't do it, the hopelessness is too much. This corner I've painted myself into I can't get out of. I'm at the bottom of deep, dark pit with no way out. Okay, enough!
  2. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    Welcome to Suicide Forum.

    The great thing about this place is that you don't need insurance or money to come and talk with people who understand what you're going through.

  3. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    Welcome Lost, I hope you find some help around here. Feel free to message me if you're feeling lonely or sad. Sometimes I don't have the right things to say but I sure am a good listener :)
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say Hi and welcome to SF
  5. lost1002

    lost1002 Member

    Thanks for the welcome! I figured I'm in the right place on checking out the site.

    I'm still feeling uncaring, blah, nowhere. I spend most of the day locked in my room, either on the computer or reading. I make my meals and eat them back here, then go out for a smoke, then back in my room. I stay up late reading until my eyes close and sleep late in the morning, and I don't frelling care. My s.o. comes in and talks at me and all I can think is when will he shut up and go away and leave me alone. I can sometimes go all day without speaking more than a sentence or two, and I like it that way. Oh boy, I just sound pathetic, huh? Enough for now, I'm boring myself.
  6. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    Welcome to Sf, keep talking and you may find someone who you can connect with and perhaps some support.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    HI lost and welcome...I hope you'll keep reaching out here for support...
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