Hi, I went years without a day going by that I didn't think "is this the day". My grandfather had taken his life---he was not close to my father--very abusive, and so it hurt my dad, it didn't destroy him as a normal loving father son relationship would. I saw a psychiatrist some years ago, and told him that its not a question of if, its a question of when. He said "I knew that the first day you came here--before you said a word". I have had chronic pain--very severe for 20 yrs. It has been treated well and the thoughts went away. Recently, they have come up again. I have had plans, and even made a place so no one could find me, but then my brother passed unexpectedly, and it was so hard on my parents--I thought "they cannot stand to lose two (of four)". I am married 30 yr, 3 adult children, all college grads, one in professional grad school, so I dont know what more I am needed for here. Even though I can think of why nots, the thoughts keep coming. I am afraid to go to a doctor or to tell anyone in fear that they will have me comitted or put in a facility for a while. I"m sure my story isnt' different from many, but this is my story. I am 50, and want to go. I just dont want to leave a wake of misery and guilt behind me. Its no ones fault, its my choice and my desire/obcession. I want freedom from the physical and emotional pain. Thank you for allowing me to introduce myself.