wow it has taken me a lot to just start typing sigh. I'm not sure how to start. I found this site by accident while searching about suicide. I don't even know if i can finish this without starting to cry. My life has been awful especially in the last 2 years. I am 37 years old disabled but married to a wonderful man. He is the only thing holding me here right now, and I am not sure if that is going to be enough soon. Things have never been good for me. I was an abused child and in a few different foster homes growing up. I guess that is where my depression started. I remember thinking of suicide as early as 8 years old. My first attempt was at the age of 20. Didn't get very far just very sick. I have been hospitalized twice the most recent in January of this year for another attempt. The reason for my most recent attempts is because of my Ex husband and my oldest daughter. 2 years ago they went to the courts and told them I was an I.V. drug addict and an alcoholic that I abused and neglected my children. All this because I wouldn't leave my husband on demand of my oldest girl who wanted me back with her father. My ex of course added to the stories. He never liked my present husband and had been trying to get me back. The thing is I have never been on drugs and and I hate drinking. My kids if anything where spoiled rotten I loved them more than anything in the world. I had raised them by myself for most of their lives. The courts up here wouldn't listen to me. The law guardian was completely against me from the start. She never even talked to me in person. Just to my ex and daughter. I tried to prove that i wasn't on drugs or drank but I wasn't even allowed a drug test to prove my innocence. The judge ordered me to a drug evaluation I was thinking great now i can prove all this untrue. Little did I know until later that the law guardian interfered with the evaluation and convinced them I was a drug addict. The place they sent me to didn't even finish the test. Once again never even given a drug test. As a result I was made to go into drug treatment. How awful and humiliating for me to be there knowing i had never done what i was accused of. My own lawyer as I also found out later was siding in with the law guardian and giving me wrong advice. Unknown to me at the time they are the best of friends. The end result of this was I lost my 2 youngest children. They where taken from me by the courts and given to their father. I am not allowed to have contact with them except between certain hours of the day. No overnight visits and they are not allowed 1000 feet around my husband who has never done anything or said a cross word to them. I have not seen my youngest girl in 2 years. My ex will not answer my calls and will not allow me near his apartment. I have heard they have convinced her that I don't want her. And everyone in town thinks I am this awful beast of a mother. My oldest girl admitted to me that she lied to the courts but refuses to correct it. Now she won't even talk to me. My son on the other hand wouldn't stay with my ex and went with my mother. I do at least get to have visits with him. I don't know all this has taken a toll on me. I feel my life isn't worth living without my babies. Dealing with this and my physical disabilities awful. What do i have to look forward to each day? Missing my kids and pain from the moment i get up till i go to bed. Even my dreams are nightmares about this. I am so sorry this ended up being so long. I started typing and it all came out sigh.