Hi, Not sure if I 've found the place I'm looking for.... **Possible Triggers?**

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by MyTurn, May 4, 2015.

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  1. MyTurn

    MyTurn New Member

    Hey all,

    I don't ever chat or post or forums like this and the whole thing seems almost scarier to message faceless people where I can't gauge their reaction. But at least you guys can't throw me in the ward or all that jazz. I do have parents that will listen (kind of) but I know everything I tell them makes them wonder what they did wrong.

    I recently logged on to a chatroom for suicide prevention and after 20 minutes of discussion the fellow I was talking to had literally no clue what I was talking about, to the point where his frustration started to show and I decided to just thank him for his time and leave. The experience left me feeling more alienated and insane than I did previously...

    I have been looking for an outlet with people who might understand what I'm saying... Some examples of my bizarre thought-processes are as follows:

    I have not wanted to live for most of my life (this includes my memories as a small child) (I'm 27 now, which to some I'm still a child and I'm aware of that)

    When I look back at most of my happy times they appear to be me ego tripping or just plain naivety.

    People disgust me (including myself)... I have met people who seem like good people.... The ones I have gotten to know were worse than the people that are just upfront a@@holes (like myself)...

    Don't get me wrong, I believe human are truly good in spirit... I think in the days of hunter/gatherers this was the norm. Modern society is a sickness we are hopeless to escape. It seems as ridiculous and disgusting to me now as it did at 8 years old.

    I'm fully aware that this is text-book "depression" yet I am of the opinion that this is a natural reaction to the external world.... I have avoided depression by means of alcohol, paxil and just hiding from the atrocities in my ego. These have ALL been effective yet temporary relief... If your hand is burning on the stove, you don't just take some painkillers to numb the pain... That is not fixing the problem... There's a legitimate reason WHY it burns....

    I have seen so many councilors, social workers, psychiatrist etc. that I know what they will say before they say it. As well as what they want to hear from me.
    They seem like children... trying to give me advice on how to join the rest... There is a reason why I drink... to dumb me down enough to enjoy all the ridiculous bells and whistles that seem to memorize the majority...

    I'm quite sure there are truly good people that exist... Mother Theresa was not an ignorant fool... I wish I would have been taught the importance of helping people from an early age... I wish I could be like those people but after years of chasing what I was taught... (Get the money, Life's not fair, Dog-eat-dog etc...) I'm just such a bitter, f**ked-up, insecure loser the only thing I'm good at is stealing self-esteem from others... (I have no doubt sent many people to these same dark thoughts, if you doubt me I can elaborate and/or see below) My family doesn't seem to understand why I can't keep doing that and why it isn't correct that they do, just because they seem more confident.

    I hate to be even more of a putz and blame my upbringing... but I have tried to change (tried a semester as a Teachers Aid, the past 7 years I've tried to change and be a caring person, I met a catholic-girl with a fabulous family, Got married... This lead to my insecurities about an "event" leading me back into alchohol and eventually crack.... went to treatment only to find out a week after I got out that thing I was insecure about was all a lie, I was fooled by the first good person I'd met and gave myself to entirely.

    Then, my extended family heard of my drug use and has now ex-communicated me...

    I'm gonna stop there but that's just the parts I feel comfortable posting randomly online... I see so many people post on sites like these and everyone usually sounds like they never had a chance to have a full life, or are loved by all and would be missed....

    I'm a bad person... I would like to meet other bad people that understand forgiveness is only for those who deserve it... and because I know someones gonna say I'm really not a bad person: A kid I bullied in school once told me he was gonna go home and kill himself... ... I told him he didn't have the balls... years later I f**ked his g/f while he was outside the bedroom door.... he now works at my hometown 7-11...

    Again these are just some of the things I'm willing to post online... Killing myself would hurt some people even more... I don't know what the f**k to do... Some advice from some real peices o' s**t would be appreciated...
  2. Rhydian

    Rhydian Active Member

    Re: Hi, Not sure if I 've found the place I'm looking for.... **Possible Triggers?*

    Well. You wanted to meet some other bad people. I don't think I deserve any forgiveness for things I've done. (Though many people here believe I do) So, here I am :wave:
  3. Re: Hi, Not sure if I 've found the place I'm looking for.... **Possible Triggers?*

    I know that you feel that you are a bad person, but the fact that you take responsibility for the consequences of your actions, and seem to feel remorse, suggests that you are not a bad person. Keep posting, sometimes being able to get it all out anonymously can help a great deal.
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