Hi sf people

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cold.blue, Dec 21, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. cold.blue

    cold.blue New Member

    Hi, I hope I can encourage some younger people (but why not everyone) to share their details or experiences even if they were reluctant to do so in the past.

    I'm 19 and until now, have never revealed any of my information online. I've consciously kept out of social medias, lied my age to be about 6-10 years higher etc... For all my short life, always using pseudonyms as well. I feel as if the audience of this forum probably had similar experiences so they can be probably trusted though. I also know none of the people in my life visit this forum.

    Bear with me if I leave out some details, I've wired my brain this way for years because I never wanted people to know about me. English is also my 3rd language, mostly self-learned, but I know this will be understandable so no more on that.

    I lost my first real job just a few days ago, due to having a minor dent happen to the work car (it was a relatively simple security guard job). Where I live in the cold north of the EU, jobs are pretty scarce. I love education and information, but I abhor the prospect of sitting in school for a compulsory amount of time (hence no degree in biochemistry or something that could be actually interesting, my job 'training' barely took 2 weeks)

    Been diagnosed with type 2 depression since about 14-15 when I somehow wasn't able to hide it from a professional, got subscribed to various medicines such as mirtazapine (remeron?) and other drugs which create very odd states of mind and a ton of sleepiness. I also can't sleep during most nights, so I stay up for periods of 18-36 hours and then sleep for anything between 2 to 10 hours.

    Not being able to do anything productive (and not being able to enroll for any sort of education during this time of the year) has been devastating. Just yesterday I blew roughly the $1,300 equivalent in euros gambling on poker related games like blackjack, which was most of my puny savings.

    Due to compulsions (I would not hurt another person or even entertain the thought), I have obtained a pistol-type handgun. It was somewhat hard to obtain, as the transaction was not legal (here you'd need to belong to a shooting club for quite some time before getting a 6months license).

    I don't know if I got it for life 'insurance', committing a non-violent robbery of some sort if everything fails in life. Or if I have it in case of wanting to end my life quickly. My country has compulsory military 6-12 months for males, which I just finished this summer, so I have a pretty good idea on how to use various firearms. I don't have any kind of criminal record yet, though.

    I'm not misantrophic, and one of the few things giving meaning in life IMO, is kids. I feel newly born when I get chance to spend time with my younger cousins, even my little bro. Also, during compulsory school 'introduction into work life', which was at age 15 or 16, I chose to work a few weeks at a kindergarden. It was some of the happiest weeks in my life. I always was extremely afraid of getting my own child any time in the future though, unless having the proper money to give him/her everything necessary in life.

    Having no job, no real education & I'm almost 20, and having crashed my vehicle twice within a year (got license in 2008) and savings to barely live for a month, I'm quite ready to depart the world by my own hand. My ultimate motivation and objective behind all my actions in life was to help other people, especially children.

    Years passed, I let go of all the idealism, but one of my deep rooted dreams was (still is) having enough money from either a job or self-made business to go and really help unfortunate or miserable people. I'd track down poor families who can barely afford to live, and buy them all minor christmas presents to cheer them up. Or go to a poor country, pay a bad person for a prostitute, but refuse to take advantage of her, instead watching a film or cooking/playing videogames etc., and trying to talk her out of it. Or find people who are being mugged or violated on the street and help them.

    I've extensively studied economic theory, business models, investing, etc... And just got a job a few months ago to support long term investments (didn't work out so well, fired now..). But after extreme deliberation, I've come to the conclusion earning any sort of income by honest, real business by people who don't have access to large bank loans, is nearly impossible. Everything you see especially online, are scams (with the poor fraudsters probably making less than from a full time job). To make a living in 2009 not being in a job, you have to already be 'rich' for capital funds. Nobody is going to loan capital to a single person.

    I can't collect unemployment either, since in this country you must be 25 to do that. Also don't want to put a strain on my parents by just living at their house and doing nothing, possibly never getting another job (there are literally people with doctors degrees competing even for floor cleaning jobs, that's how hard it is to get any sort of job in my country).

    I've always tried to look for an alternative, a bypass. Even kept my head 100% clean of alcohol and tobacco to have a clear mind. But this life is the hardest game I ever encountered. Without phenomenal, sheer luck, it's impossible to beat. At best, you'll manage as a practical slave for all your life, no better than those in third world countries ultimately. With brutality, you can achieve some sort of short term fast gains, but you will have nightmares, fear every night for getting caught, lose your mind, eventually lose anyways.

    Life goes on for the rest of this world. Nothing will change as one more player exits the game. I hope you can find a bypass because by mercy, I don't see it anywhere. Maybe we'll meet in another reality. I wish you all the best. I appreciate in advance for linking to all possible anti-suicide letters, phone numbers etc... But I've gone down that road already, read them all, listened to all the advice.

    I figured since I already gave away what little materials I had here to friends and relatives, if anyone here needs about $20 which is all left in my bank account, I would gladly give it to a person of any color, age or race who needs it and still has hope or plans left. They say there is no free lunch, that's just a social construct, I'm willing to give away my last meal. I still have my grandparents on my to-meet list before leaving, so you can email at cold.blue@windowslive.com
  2. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    You need to reveal your problems to your family, they might be able to help or support you, your problems are very deep-rooted but I find that talking to a loved one can give courage and hope. Don't give up yet, please.
  3. cold.blue

    cold.blue New Member

    Thank you.. Well fuck my life, 20 minutes ago I got a phone call.. Got my job back plus a higher paygrade because a workplace lawyer decided the firing was illegal, and got compensated for all lost shifts (no chump change, over 1000 bucks). This changes everything.

    I'm completely stunned.. If anyone needs a small christmas gift, online subscription, few bucks in the paypal, someone to talk to etc... Feel free to message me.. Still in disbelief
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's one hell of a U-turn, good luck. You're a great guy too.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.