Hi There

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Leeuwerik, Oct 20, 2013.

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  1. Leeuwerik

    Leeuwerik Member

    Hey everybody,

    My name is "Leeuwerik". For those who are French, they can figure my real name out. I am a dutch student (female) and 21 years old.

    As far as I can remember I hated myself and my life. As a little kid they bullied me. They told me I was ulgy, stupid, dumb.. According to them, I was no good at all. I didn't want to believe them, but eventually, I did. I was only 6 years old, what else could I do? Unfortunately, it was the start of inferiority complex. Everything went wrong, I couldn't do anything right. It was horrible, knowing that there was nothing in life that could give me a little satisfaction. And they kept bullying me. I figured that if I pretended I didn't care, they would stop bullying me. There was no fun if the bullied one didn't show any emotions. But instead of hiding emotions only to those bullies, I started hiding my emotions to everybody. Every time I felt like crying or I felt hurt, I just kept smiling, hoping it would all pass by.

    I grew older and I felt alone. Even with my family and friends around me, there was no one who really knew me. And that was all my fault. I decided to keep my emotions inside. I was depressed and the depression grew every day, until there was only darkness around me, and I was only 14 years old. I felt misunderstood and unloved. Somewhere I know that there are people who love me, but somehow I just can't feel their love. And that sucks.

    I was 14 when I started cutting. Only small scratches, but enough for me to realize that I wasn't doing well. And I kept doing it, because it felt so great. For a moment I felt like I could handle the whole world. For a moment my head was empty inside. Even though the moment lasted only for a few minutes and I hated myself even more afterwards, the few minutes of happiness made me addicted.

    I lost my granddad, the only one who could make me laugh when I was sad. In his whole life, he was never ill. But cancer took his life in just one week. Everyday I remember that last moment. He tried to laugh at me, even with all the pain he felt inside, and with tears in his eyes he tried to tell me that I didn't had to worry, everything would be alright. I didn't believe him, but what else could I do than smiling and nodding. Two minutes later he passed away.

    Since that moment, I wonder what life is really about. I wish I had died, instead of him. He enjoyed life, I didn't. I started thinking about suicide. There was nothing that would keep me here, so why shouldn't I leave? Death would give me peace and happiness, something I lost over the years.

    When I turned 16, my parents decided to move. I was able to hold on in my old city, but this new city took everything from me I that I still had left. I lost my friends, my neighborhood. Everything that felt familiar to me. I wanted to tell my parents I didn't want to leave. That it would be the end for me. But instead I kept smiling and told them it was fine by me.

    My whole world collapsed. My cutting became more and more. The suicide thoughts were in my head, every minute of the day. I already wrote my goodbye note. But my friend discovered and started talking for me. They sent me to a psychologist and before I could even blink with my eyes, they sent me to a mental hospital. They just locked me up.

    I've been there for 23 weeks. Halfway they had sent me home, but I wasn't stable enough to do it on my own. I took an overdose of pills. And after a hell of two days in the hospital, they sent me back to the mental hospital.

    Sorry, but I need to quit. There's more to tell you, but I will continue next time. All these memories, I just can't handle them. I already want to kill myself. With all these memories inside my head, I am losing my self-control. I just, I just can't.. I need to focus right now.

    I'm sorry.

  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hello, I'm sorry about your bad past, and "low quality" of life right now. People shouldn't judge you from how you look, that's just not right. You deserve better. I'm sorry about your grandpa, I'm sure he's okay now, watching you from above. He will want you to be happy, I'm sure of that. We can be your family here, whenever you need to talk, we will be here for you. Not only me, there are a lot of caring people that care for you here. I'm sure of it.
    I hope you can fight :)

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad to see you are reaching out here for support You can let all the thoughts and words out here ok instead of harming yourself Keep talking to us you will make new friends here
  4. Leeuwerik

    Leeuwerik Member

    Thanks guys!

    It's time for me to continue my story. It has been a few days, but I just couldn't come back here.

    Well, after my time in the mental hospital I somehow felt better. I didn't have to go to school until the end of the year, so there was no stress or anything. When the summer came, I turned 17 and me and my friend went on a holiday together. Both for the first time without our parents. The last night we met some guys. I kinda liked one of them, not knowing he would be the bad guy. He seemed nice, we kissed, he saw my wrist and started to ask questions. From that moment it felt like I was that sad depressed little girl again. I started crying and he took me in his arms. He took me back to the camping. He was all kind and nice until we were back. He started to touch me, kiss me, undress me. I didn't want to, but I was scared and he didn't listen. And from that moment I wasn't able to move. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do. I just let him do his thing. I cried, but he didn't notice.

    The next morning we went home. I didn't tell my friend, or my parents. I just kept going as I thought people expected from me. I went to school again and forced myself to forget about what happened. And I did, until I met my new boyfriend. He was sweet and I told him about my past. I wasn't able to do more than just kissing, and he said it was alright. He would wait until I was ready. But he didn't wait. After 3 weeks he wanted to have sex with me. He got mad when I said no, so I let him because I felt the same fear as I felt once before with the stranger. I cried but he didn't notice.

    I went to the university. I needed a new town, new people around me, so I could make a fresh start. And it turned out perfectly. I got new friends and I broke up with my boyfriend. But it turned out my, so I thought, best friend wasn't as good as I thought he was. He knew my whole past, he knew about my feelings and the fear I felt for my boyfriend. But when I broke up with my boyfriend, he used me to get me in his bed. He used me, like the two other guys had done before. I cried, he noticed, but still he did what the others had done too. he went on until he was finished.

    After that I broke all the contact I had with my 'best friend'. I got a real boyfriend that really had the best interest in me. The kindest person I met until then. But somehow I just can't have relationship. After a few months I got scared and need to get some space. I break up and I get mad at myself for losing the one thing I care about. Done this twice, after the second one I decided to never ever have a relationship again.

    In the last year I felt really depressed. I feel lonely, scared, depressed, sad. I don't recognize myself anymore. I keep going, keep laughing. I got friends and I love them. I just can't love myself and that sucks. I fail in everything, and there's nothing where I can find some satisfaction. And that sucks, because it makes me thing about life. Why do I live when I don't want it. I just want some rest. I hate myself for who I am, for how I look and everything else. Even though others tell me I am pretty and smart and funny. Why do they see another me? I haven't cut myself for more than a year, but now I cut again. And it sucks. A friend of mine committed suicide 9 months ago. I wish I could go after him.

    I don't remember who I am. I just can't keep track of my emotions. I don't know what to do anymore.

    For a week or so, I have found peace in my head. Some might say it's a good thing, but it's not. There was always a fight about keep fighting or giving up. Now I lost the spirit. The only thing in my head is that I should give up. There is nothing left in my head that keeps me fighting. And the idea that I can commit suicide tomorrow or any time I want, gives me some rest to keep living. Because I know that when I really can hold it anymore, I allow myself to die.

    Please help me.
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