Hi there

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lifeislife, Sep 26, 2009.

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  1. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    At first i want to apologize for my english, it isnt my first language. Im 23 years old guy. Read it only if you are bored, its really long ;)

    Im not sure where to begin with my story, i just know i must do it now. Lets start from the beginning. When i had 8 years my parents divorced. No big deal, since Father was not a good man anyway. Few years later Mom found herself a new man. He was nice and all, too bad he liked little boys. Well after few years she broke up with him. This left few scars on my soul, but once again there are some people who can live with it, so why cant i.

    Short after we had to change living place for much worst because of financial problems. Again i told myself some people do worst and after i finish school i will get out of this mess. But I had about 15 years and didnt have much to live for. Therefor i wasnt very communicative at my new school. That means easy target for kids who like to kick in to people who are already down. I didnt want to go in to school anymore. So they sent me to some psychologist for problematic kids. That psychologist told me im makeing too big deal out of small things. He also told me that the reason why i dont fit in is because my minds was older than my body, therefor i have nothing to talk about with them. I dont think she was right. Anyway they sent me back to school and like nothing happens. Actually teachers start to blame me for not fitting in.

    At 16 years i finish school and find myself to be unable to continue in any sort of daily studium. I just couldnt stay in class anymore. But i still tried. I were blameing myself for being weak. But i failed one school. 1 year was lost and i had to find some job. Then i failed second school. Again i had to find myself some job. Guess what, then i failed 3rd school... Again time for bad job.

    Finally i give it last try for long distance studium. Here im in 3rd year and maybe i could finish it, i dont know. Problem is im under constant psychical abuse from my neighbors which i cannot prove. They start it, because we are only poor family in street. Others who dont participate...well they just close their eyes like people do. Its much easier. What kind of abuse you ask? Well those are little things here and there. Little provokation, reminding me of my past which i would really love to forget. Poiting light in to my window or throw shit before our doorsteps. We live very close to school which i finished at my 16 years age, so same kind of things coming from there too. I dont know, it seems like people really love it if they can torture someone you know?

    Lately i haveing really bad thoughts. Im almost certain if i dont kill myself, i will start kill other people. For example now at 23 years age i make plan in my mind to beat up my neighbor very badly. Following day i did it. That neighbor was 68 years old.. ( i know what you think, but God knows he deserve it ). Only problem was police find about it. It seems like i brake his face and most likely its not gonna be unpunished. I feel like im at point of no return. Do you think that too?
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    We don't have the right to beat another human being unless we are defending ourselves from physical attack.

    It is not right that people bully you. Bully's want to think they are a big person and fuel their own ego by picking on smaller or poorer people.

    I would be angry too, I have been bullyied. Maybe if you write about your anger here, it won't build up to the point that you hurt someone else.

    You are welcome to post here.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    When I first read your post I really didnt think I could reply. What you did is horrible. Regardless of whether this person "deserved" it or not, it is not up to you to decide that. There are courses of action that you could of taken rather than beating up an elderly person.

    What you did was no different than those that hurt you. You beat an elderly person why? Because he made you angry? You had many more choices rather than to act on your anger. But you did and now you will have to face the consequences. Like Chargette said, no one has the right to beat on another person unless it is in self defence. I was at the receiving end of horrible abuse for many many years. And my ex to this day still justifies it just as you are by saying "he deserved it."

    I think regardless if you are charged with assault or not, you need to seek out professional help. A pdoc that can help you to find medication that will work towards keeping you from acting on your violent thoughts. A therapist so that you have someone to talk to about your thoughts and they can help you to find better coping skills than just to react to your anger. If you should end up doing any prison time for the assault, trust me you are going to find people there that have violent anger issues too. So please get the help you need. I understand that you had a horrible childhood. But now you have the opportunity have a good adulthood. Please find help so that you can get past what happen to you as a youngster and change the road you are on.
  4. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    And what course of actions i could take? I would be glad to hear them. I dont expect you to understand. You really have to live this hell to truly see whats going on. I even ask the policeman what he would do on my place... you know what did he answer? I DONT KNOW. He didnt know what to do except moving away. But what he did know was of course i did an evil thing.

    You want to fix my state of mind with medication? Im sorry, but you seems to be very ignorant person. You think you can mess with somebody head for so damn long and then just give him some good advices + medication to make him easy going zombie?. Yea thats nice hot fix. But then i would probably finally lost my sanity, they would have reason to lock me up as crazy man and problem fixed right?

    When you are under too much pain too long, depression change in some kind of life Philosophy. You need to fix things which causing it and not just make the guy live with it. You are that kind of person who sees things black or white. But things are never like that.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    ummm. did i miss something ?
    i dont believe i read where he has done anything yet.

    the issue you have lifeislife, is ANGER. im no stranger to anger. the deal here is, you have alot of unhealed scars and because of the continuing abuse from the neighborhood, it hasnt gone away. you havnt been allowed to deal with it.
    i spent many years very angry and sometimes had the same thoughts. i never carried out any of those thoughts, but i was very violent for several years.
    if your not able to get some help, you could very well end up causing some damage that you will regret.

    i dont know if you have churches ... or even believe in God , but places like that would be a great free start to helping you. you must get some help. if they didnt believe you before you must try again. i had similar happenings when i was younger. when i moved out of my parents house at 18 i hated ppl.
    it takes time to get over what has broken us. but it is possible, dont ever believe that your not worth it. YOU ARE. find some one you can talk to.

    if you want to chat let me know.

  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Oh dont label me young man. My ex sexually assaulted me, raped me, beat the shit out of me daily for no reason at all other than because he could, played mind games, stole who I was from me, for almost 20 years. I want him dead. But I never assaulted him back. I am living with cancer and other health issues. I dont have a penny to my name and have children to raise. I am on more meds than I can remember. I have a mental health worker that basically says go ahead, kill yourself. And I have tried, several times. Once to the point of a coma and a stroke. I'm a 45 year old single mom. You are talking to a person that has been through Hell and is still there. So before you label me, get your facts straight. I posted here even though I think what you did was horribly wrong, to try and help you. For you there ARE medications that will help. It is your choice to take them or not. You have the choice to hurt others or not. The first person here to post with suggestions and you label them. But I thought that was what you asked for? Well take my suggestions and use them or not but do not ever label ANY person here. We are all here for the same reasons support, help and to know at least one other person has heard our pain.

    And you are wrong about the black and white. If more things in life could have grey areas, maybe life wouldnt hurt so damn bad!
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    ODIECOM if you are refering to the OP the above paragraph states exactly what he did. I think he is a danger to himself and others and needs to seek help immediately. His anger is definitely the issue and without professional help other people may be hurt and the OP himself. My God he says the only problem is that the police found out about it???? So if they didnt he plans to continue this behaviour??? Lifeislife if not for yourself then please get help for the sake of the people around you!!!

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    i stand corrected, i did miss that.

    only one question for you life. WHAT DID THAT OLD MAN DO TO YOU ? and like itmahanh states, get yourself some help. i do ONLY TO A POINT understand the anger you have. but i suggest that you get some help before your revenge on your abusers lands you in prison for the rest of your life. and if you think you were abused as a kid ... let me tell you ..,. in prison, you either learn to enjoy it or you will be killed.

    you need to really find some help.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    course the more i think about it maybe this post outta be closed.
  10. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    You really over-reacting now guys. Can i ask you what you wearing, what you eating? In what you driveing to work? You dont care at all, that animals suffer their whole life so you can make your belly fat. You dont care for hungry children who dies everyday. But you care for one old man right?

    Did you notice that humans are worst catastrophe that could happen to a world? We killed more animal species than the thing which kills dinosaurus back then. Did you know how many animals you personaly kill? Alot. But hey, they are less than people. Do you care about that? Of course you dont. You close your eyes, because that makes things much easier.

    Im sorry you suffer 20 years. But if you really wanna compare our lives, then i practicaly experienced everything you did. Difference is i got it all in my childhood which is pretty dangerous since is very important time which affect us for whole life. Also im in this hell for *only* like 15 years, but hey im still 23 years. So you might say i can catch up pretty soon.

    I also work out, i try to eat healthy food, i dont drink, smoke or take a drugs. I take no medications at all. At 19 years i already tried commit suicide unsuccesfully and they lock me up for about month. Yes they gave me medications and i must say they didnt help me at all. Talking with psychologist didnt help me at all. Only thing at which they succed is it was pretty terible experience for me and im damn sure i dont wanna go back. Now when i try to kill myself its gonna be sure thing.

    And dont panic, im not gonna kill anybody. My priority is to kill myself before that.

    And this post should be closed? Well close it then. When you not gonna see it, it will stop bothering you.
  11. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    People can care about me a little, they can help me a little, the rest is up to me. This is the reality for all of us.

    Did beating up that man solve your problems? If your neighbors looked down on you before, how do they look at you now? Do you want them to have an even worse opinion of you? From your writing it sounds like you want their respect. Respect is earned.

    Go back to mental health and give what they tell you to do a real chance. You are the one that has everything to gain from it. We don't know you, we are not your neighbors, we are not the ones who will benefit. It is you who will benefit.

    We seek to encourage you to find the help you need in a world that gives us very little help. We need encouragement to face the unique challenges we are up against. That is the purpose of this forum.
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Fine meds dont work, docs dont work. Try anger management courses then. But the more you post the more it sounds like you really dont want help, support or suggestions. It sounds like you want people to accept what you have done to another human being. It's as if you dont think what you did was wrong or want to accept the responsibility for it. Sorry I am not about to do that. You acknowledge that the abuse that happened to you was wrong, but this is different? If you, like myself suffered so miserably by the hands of another person why would you stoop to that level yourself? I never want to be as pathetic or unthinking as the people that hurt me. I'm much better than that. You need to recognize that too and make the effort to change that around. No one else can do that for you. And if getting professional help is one way, then try it again. You're older than before so maybe this time it will be different to.

    Again dont judge me or tell me what I believe or think. How do you know if I'm a vegetarian or a meat eater. How do you know what I think or feel about the animals of this world. Please just stick to getting the support and help you originally posted that you were looking for. As for that old man.... yes I care about him, just like I do any other person. And hun you need to start caring about the people around you just as much as you need to care enough about yourself to get help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 26, 2009
  13. depleted_soul

    depleted_soul Well-Known Member

    Hello life. I don't think you're at the point of no return. You came here posting and admitted your problems. I think that's the first step to getting the help that you need. I know that our experiences growing up help shape the people we become as adults, and it's really unfortunate that so many people have to deal with the consequences of abuse and other negative things we have gone through. Many of these issues are hard to overcome, as the damage has been done and there are many emotional and mental scars left to deal with.

    Hopefully you can really find something to help you.
  14. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    I do appreciate your answers people. Dont think i dont. Thanks for your input.
  15. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    Guys can you please give me an advice? When i was at police they gave me sign some paper at the end of my hearing. . They said its standart procedure and they *forgot* to give copy for me. I didnt read it throught cuz i was allready in bad psychical state and i just told myself i will look on it later. On that paper was something about not talking about case or the guy i have incident with under the penalty of 40 000 - 200 000 Euro. Is that normal?

    That old man i beat up had at first some minor dmg only which turns later to heavy damage. I also know he have some friends on Police. Even that policeman confirme it. Its just me or its weird? They say i broke his up and down jaws, but i heard him talk normaly just 4 days after incident when he was already out of hospital. The Policeman also wanted to know if i have any job, school or any property of any cost. I told him i havent anything. Then i ask if its posible to take some advice from some lawman. He say its posible only if i call him right that instance and he would need to come right away. He also said because im poor, i will most likely be unable to pay him anyway so why i even bothering him with this qestion.

    Can i somehow defend myself or im screwed? Its too much stress for me at this point. I breaking up.

    You know its like everybody even myself wanna just kick me down and keep it there. Its like they testing my breaking point. Im extremely non-conflict person. It takes some real dedication to make somebody like me to start act violent towards other people. In total i hit other person only twice in my whole life. It was all in school fights. And everytime i felt like i loosing part of the good thing i have in me. I hate it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2009
  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Not knowing where you are from other than a European country I can only tell you what I know about where I live. We have Legal Aid. If you own a house then there will be a lein put against it to cover your costs. But usually it is a free service. If you attend a trial without a lawyer stating that you cant afford one then the courts will generally appoint you one and again Legal Aid is put into place. Also any first visit to a lawyer here you are allowed the first 15 minutes free, in person or over the phone. So if something like that is available to you contact a lawyer and ask them about any free services available. If not start by looking in the phone book under lawyers, law firms or court departments.
  17. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    Thanks alot. Is there maybe some internet page where i can check what kind of laws apply for different European countries? Because i have no idea what kind of laws we got here.
  18. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    On other hand lets end this topic. I trying get advice from same person who i judged before ,which already says something about my character. I beat up some old man and thats despicable deed for any outsider who will look in to it. I just realize only option i have is quit. Things change only if somebody dies. Movies sudenly become 200% better if main actor dies. Books sells better if writer dies. Ed Wood was considered as one of the worst Holywood movie makers ever and after his death he got famous. It looks like a good chance to pick off some bad eggs from police station. Maybe somebody will really look in to it if i die.

    Even now everything i write sounds really naive and idiotic for me. But again thanks for help even thought i offended you. Just havent any friends left, thats why i was bothering here ;).
  19. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well first you arent "bothering" here. This is exactly what this forum is for. To listen when no one else does. As for offending it's gonna happen. But it's done and we moved on. Glad to see you are interested in finding out about the lawyer stuff. I dont know any websites off hand but sure if you google search under European Laws or European Lawyers/ Solicitors Services, or specify your country, you should find more than you care to read (lol). It isnt so much that the movie or books get any better. It is peoples morbid attraction to and interest in death taht makes those things happen. People want to see the last movie a person made or buy their last book. Some feel it gives them a connection that never existed before. Look at Micheal Jackson. Before he died, people were tired of his antics and the accusations of being a peodophile. He dies and all of a sudden the world loves him and seems to forget the rest. Who is going to do anything about it once you're gone? Those that know you will mourn you and those that didnt, will forget. Only you can do something about this . Dont give up now. You have a lead to follow and may be it will be the first step to a new path for you to follow. Good luck.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2009
  20. hey, hey, lifeislife, read conversations with god my neale donald walsch. Not religious, just spiritual. Nothing is wrong, is it just a question of whether that is truly who you want to be. I understand why you did that to your neighbor, i mean, I'm not saying it was an enlightened thing to do or anything, but I understand all the suppressed anger and whatnot. However, when you understand that WE ARE ALL ONE, you will understand that to hurt another is to hurt yourself. And hurting yourself if just as bad as hurting another. Don't kill yourself. RISE ABOVE RISE ABOVE RISE ABOVE RISE ABOVE RISE ABOVE. I could say more but I don't know how to put my thoughts into words and you really just need to read that book.
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