Hi there

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Werne, Jul 7, 2012.

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  1. Werne

    Werne New Member

    Well, since I'm new around here I thought I should say hi and introduce myself. The reason I signed up here is because my psychiatrist suggested me to do that. Honestly, I sometimes think that guy is crazier than me, and I'm quite nuts. I never thought I'll have suicidal thoughts but that changed, I guess it goes with the job, I'm a sniper in the army.

    When it comes to things I have problems with, there's plenty of them. I have PTSD and I've always been a loner, I just feel uncomfortable around people. That's one of the good things when it comes to my job, I only have one person next to me.

    Anyway, when it comes to suicide, for I while I thought it would be good to take my own life. And so I tried, twice, failed both times. After I failed the second time, my parents told me "If you're going to do it, do it right. You're embarrasing us with your failiures." Nice parents, eh? Aside from food, drink, clothes, a place to stay and an occasional beating, I got nothing else from them, no love or care, not even respect. I was forced to learned to depend only on myself, never trusted anyone and never wanted friends or any kind of social interaction. I still think my parents were the reason I wanted to die, they always considered me a failiure.

    I thought suicide is good untill last year when I met a girl that moved in next door. I never wanted a relationship or love but I kinda fell into it. Because of her I now actually have friends, it's great. I actually thought my life is getting better, I even stopped thinking about suicide. She helped me more than that damn psychiatrist.

    But that didn't last long, one night I woke up to hear her crying because I squeesed her arm so hard she had a bruise for a month, it happened during one of my nightmares. It scared me, I was never afraid to hurt or kill another human but the very thought of me hurting her frightened me. After that I started having those suicidal thoughts again, I want to kill myself so I can't hurt her anymore but that will hurt her as well.

    And there's one more thing I'm scared of, she has scars on her wrists I never asked her about, she's always trying to hide them from me with bracelets. I'm not stupid so I asked around and found out she did try to kill herself once. I'm afraid my suicide might push her to do it again.

    I feel like my life is like a cesspool, a whole lot of crap and more is coming in every day. And then people say life is worth living. Yeah right, I should've ended it the first time I had a chance, that way I would've avoided all this.

    God, I'm so tired right now, I haven't had a good night sleep in weeks. I'll go see if I can take a nap without waking up in a pool of sweat.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun welcome to SF everyone hun has a burden to bare everyone. You hun have found someone who cares for you and who understands depression and pain I hope your therapist can work with you to decrease the nightmares the trauma you have suffered I have less night mares now i have been in therapy. You are not alone now together you and your gf can find a way to move forward. I hope you and her can have an open discussion about where you both are at Trust noone something still that lives with me but i know to live in this world you have to trust at least one other person i hope that someone for you will be your gf hugs
     
  3. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum werne and thank you for your service in the army.

    PTSD can be very hard on us, especially when we feel that we don't have the support we need, for that I am honored that you are trusting us to fill in some of that missing support that you deserve in your life.

    What happened with that girl(squeezing her arm) was an accident, I am thinking that she understands where you are coming from and why that happened better than you think she does.

    Do u mind if I make a suggestion about the whole scars on her wrist thing. Some girls might not be 100% comfortable with someone asking question behind their back, and some may not be comfortable with direct questions to them about something so personal. All you can do is tell her that if she ever needs to talk, you are there for her. That's just my opinion though.

    Keep seeing your psych, and try to be kind and gentle to yourself. Again, welcome to the forum and I hope we can help support you.

    Jaime
     
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