Hi to all--apologies if I ramble on a bit.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by yelapa, Jan 14, 2010.

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  1. yelapa

    yelapa Member

    Hello to all.

    I am almost 58 years old and have been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost 20 years. It seems to run in my family. Over this long arc of time the effects of my condition have been corrosive so that it feels increasingly difficult to climb out of the dark moods. In the past few months I have discussed suicide with my wife of over 30 years. She has fibromyalgia, primary rheumatoid arthritis, and a crushed disk in her back. At times of extraordinary pain she has had impulsive suicidal thoughts. But as her pain episode subsides, so do the thoughts. Suicide is an open topic in our house, but not a constant one or an urgent one.

    With medications and some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques I have been able to deal with my depression over the years. However, the last couple of years have brought us some devastating financial reversals. My business, once thriving, is just barely profitable. My wife had to quit her last job, a job she held onto for the health benefits. She just could not work any more, even part time. She requires ongoing medical care and I don’t know how we are going to manage that. Our financial cushion is getting less cushy every month and we will soon be drawing on our retirement savings which have also been affected by the recession. We have a nice house that is worth more then we owe, but we have let it fall into disrepair and if we’re to sell it we need to fix it up. We need to simplify things financially and materially. We need to make out wills and so forth. So we have a To Do list. Just making that list has been something of a lift to our spirits.

    In the past I have used drugs and alcohol. However, I just seemed to have lost my enjoyment of alcohol a few years ago. I sometimes use opiate painkillers as an adjunct for lorazepam at times--especially when I have panic attacks. Don’t talk to me about “drugs are bad.” I believe that drugs have saved my life on a couple of occasions. I do use. I try not to abuse. But who is to say? Our society no longer makes that distinction, preferring hysteria for whatever reason. Or maybe I’m kidding myself. I do know this: There is no psychiatric or psychological treatment provider who does not immediately jump all over any admission of drug use yet are willing to prescribe their own drugs--the mechanisms of which are not generally understood and which by and large don’t work very well. I spend time on the subject of drugs because I would prefer to be honest and think there may people on these forums who can see past the hysteria and accept that maybe once in a while drugs are a side issue. I am not willing to defend or advocate drug use, but I am not much interested in listening to people who look at it and say, “Ah ha. There’s your problem right there.” It’s not.

    Overall, our situation seems to be spiraling down, down, down. And the larger economic system seems to be spiraling down. I am not a conspiracy theorist or doom and gloom enthusiast. It’s just that wherever you look things are bad and not getting better. Most of our friends and neighbors are alarmed about things in general, economic encouraging happy news snippets notwithstanding. I think my observations in this regard are real and not just a projection of my state of mind. And how does it end? Well, I guess we know how, just not when or where. I’m not happy with the idea that suicide is somehow taking control or that it solves a problem. I’m not happy with the idea that suicide is giving up either, although surrender has been looking more attractive. Like others here, I need someone to talk to. I need honesty. I need help from people who understand. That’s why I am here.
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I hope you will find some help here discussing these issues. Welcome to SF.

  3. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.

    Know that you are not alone and no one is here to judge you. If need be, my PM box is always open! :)

    If anything, we understand what you're going through. Hang in there.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi yelapa, welcome to SF :)
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey welcome to SF lots of support here so reach out okay take care
  6. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Hi Yelapa. welcome

    After reading you're previous post, i did actually start throwing things out of my house.

  7. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    boo say :welcome:
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums!!!
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I am wondering if your wife can qualify for disability and the medical benefits associated with that. I know the paperwork is extensive and you generally have to try more than once to be accepted, but if she can qualify that may help with the medical bills. Sometimes you can qualify with mental illness as well, so maybe the two of you can look into that possibility. Just a thought and option to try. So many are struggling financially with the economy being what it is. Put that on top of other issues and it can seem suicide is the best option. You will find members here that are more than willing to listen and perhaps have some suggestions as they too struggle to cope. Thinking of you :hug:
  10. yelapa

    yelapa Member

    Thanks very much for the disability coverage info. My wife has begun to work with someone who helps people through the maze of applying for those benefits. There is a frustrating "Catch 22" element that potentially looms: If the unemployment department gets wind that she is applying for disability then they might decide that she is "not available" for work thus not eligible for unemployment benefits. So she is proceeding very cautiously.
  11. yelapa

    yelapa Member

    You mean literally? Just kidding. I have found that once I get started then there is sort of a "Howard Beale" mentality that kicks in and makes it cathartic.
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