Hi to everybody x

[Brokengirl123]

Hi

Um not sure where to start really or what to say other than the obvious...that I am at the lowest of all lows and obviously thinking very bad thoughts to be here but I daren't say much I am not sure what is allowed or appropriate at this stage and the last thing I ever want is to upset people.

Well I am a very nice person despite all the pooh of my life I am a 26yr old girl and try to be a good human being. I can't really think straight right now so I am very sorry if none of this makes sense you would think it should as I have an English Degree it was only a 2.2 though I nearly didn't even get that thanks to all my problems, but I don't know I can not think properly for the crying and the pain and the ringing in my ears.

I hate being whiny and wallowing in self pity but I guess I am a negative pessimistic person because of my problems so I am probably the kind of person I hate most haha how ironic.

Anyway an overview of my life for anyone interested...

*Domestic Violence as I was growing up which lead to the death of my dad when I was 16yrs and he did it himself I am sad to say. (More irony) I have a great mum though, best you could ask for considering what I've put her through. I have an older brother who is cruel and saracastic and abit like my dad, I don't have a good r.ship with him but I have a youger bro who is 18 now and who I love to bits and he is awesome. My childhood was half traumatic and half happy but I won't go into the utter nastiness of the first half.

*I got acne on my face and back at 13 which got completely and utterly severe and out of control after at 16yrs old. I was left scarred and I wanted to end things many times over as I never saw a pretty girl only ugly acne and scars...just awful I could never look in a mirror. I had other body issues too, I have ednos (that's an ed with a bit of everything thrown in I guess) and I always hated my body for all the freckles, moles, paleness, veins, stretch marks etc the usual stuff but I got by everyday by focusing on my good points. I had work done on my scars and acne and there was hope of improvements and I was pretty and I could still put a dress on and get a bit of a tan on holidays and I enjoyed shopping and doing yoga pain-free so I had some good things left in life. Hmm miss those days.

*My scars got worse and I was suicidal again so I joined an acne site to get info and that is where I met my now fiance of 5years, he too had acne and scars but only on his back. He is my soulmate and I love him and he saved my life at that fragile time. I had more work on my scars, we lived together at my mums or his for a couple years and struggled to find jobs it was hard and embarrassing at 22/23 but life was still hopeful...things looked okay for the future, I was still down and dealing with my past and my body and face issues but there were saving graces to cling to.

* 3 years my acne got severe again. I was distraught. Mom had paid 6k for my procedures to fix scars. I desperately needed to get a job and I needed confidence for that. I didn't want to lose my fiance cos iof my depression. So I took a drug I had refused 3 TIMES in life because of the side effects. But I was DESPERATE. The drug is accutane. My life has never been the same since.....

....my side effects have never left and in fact got worse and continue to get worse and they will do until I die which will probably be from an early stroke or heart attack thanks to the drug that's if I make it that long.

I have gone from a healthy girl to a broken shell of my former self.

Some of my problems are a direct result of the drug, others are just a result of the damage it has done to every tissue in my body and also a few other dumb things I did like sleeping pills for 5 years straight, getting sunburned on the drug and taking ephedra and overexercising my body to lose weight and taking wellbutrin antidepressant (this worsened my ear ringing, stress has increased it and 3 years later it is now v.loud and ANNOYING)

In short:-

*I am now DEATHLY white my skin has shed and been burned off, I am now allergic to sunshine, even ten minutes brings me out in a rash. No more sun and no more holidays for me.
*If I am not white I am purple or bright red on my arms, hands, legs and feet due to accutane flushing and also vascular insuffuciency. Very ugly and embarrassing. Tipping my hands to my side makes them even redder and purple.
*I have serious varicose veins now and thread veins on my feet, legs, lower back. They are appearing on my stomach and shoulders and boobs now.
*I have super dry thin papery wrinkly skin like an old person that damages easily and I still have extremely impaired wound healing so not only is that ugly on a 26yr old girl but dangerous I have to be careful of any accidents.
*I have extreme pain in all my joints, I have poor digestion and IBS issues and trapped nerves in my back and shoulders, pain in my neck.
* I got endometriosis 2 years ago and had surgery which I never healed from properly, that is painful condition in itself. A lot of people got this after accutane as the drug affects blood, tissue everything but I guess I have no proof it was that. Coincidence though for thousands of us isn't it.
* I have bad tinnitus which in itself makes me want to leave the world as you NEVER get peace and quiet even with noise around you. I can't go to nightclubs or cinema now.
* Oh yeah and I still get acne, have crappy skin and scarring. HA!

There's more but that's the worst I guess. I am physically digusting now and broken on the inside and outside and have done everything I can to help my probelms but I know most are permanent and it is a case of living with them. I guess I feel I can't anymore. I went on the sick from my job over a week ago and know that I cannot go back to that room with that perfect girl or I will really go over the edge. I am pushing my fiance away and I know even he wishes this stuff wasn't happening to my body. He is handsome and he could get a nice normal girl with normal body issues not severe like mine. I try not to burden him but I can't stop crying til I'm sick or pass out.

I am dreading summer and heat so bad as I itch and swell and throb all over my body I want to GET OUT of this skin but I am TRAPPED. I can not go out in the sun and have to cover up my feet my legs my arms, can't cover my hands up in summer I have no idea what to wear again to stop being stared at and commented on like a freak.

Bearing in my mind I used to be a 'normalish' girl as in I had depression and low self esteem but I managed to find things to cling on to in life. Like sitting in the sun, shopping for dresses and shoes, going out dancing or see a movie, having a pamper session (I have to shower or bathe at night in the dark or with a candle to avoid seeing my body now it is so revolting for me to look at and I can not use most soaps, shower gels products etc even water can bring me out in a red rash ffs)

I only exist and continue to breathe only for my mum, little brother and fiance though he will leave me eventually if I carry on this way. Every single second is torment. I regret what I have done to myself. I think of memories fromt he past and it haunts me.

I saw a psychologist and am seeing a cognitive behaviour therapist in a couple of weeks. But nothing will take this pain away or make me accept my body inside and out and what I have done. I feel at the end of my coping limit.

Oh god I'm so sorry this is so long and it was supposed to brief if anyone reads it thank you so much, I don't deserve to be read or have your help after all this moaning.

Ack sorry it is so ridiculously stupidly long



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[b-rock]

Sorry to hear all you are going through. I looked up that acne med. accutane and came across a lot of other negative results due to the side-effects (some post were not all that different than yours). I know there is no real compensation for your troubles, but you might be able to file a lawsuit against the company. I found a couple lawyer sites already working on the case, albeit I do not know how recent. Suing might seem like a big deal or over-the-top , but you should be compensated for your pains and trouble. If you want you could just type in accutane lawsuit in the web or even look locally for a lawyer. Money isn't everything, but you could use the money to help pay for your treatments ect. just food for thought. Also, maybe your outbreaks are linked to stress and you can see how that can become a circle. I think you just take some time and relax. A lot of things can be solved by rest. WHy don't you try to pick up yoga again? Go for walks at night (any healthy activity is beneficial no matter how small). Also, try to listen to music more often; I find it does me wonders. I hope things turn out well for yourself. Keep your head up. hit me up if u need to talk.

 

[Acy]

Hi, brokengirl123. Welcome to SF! I'm sorry to hear the things you're going through.

I can relate so well. I've had acne on and off since I was in my teens. Stress and hot, humid weather seem to make it worse. Squeezing the pimples is how I got scarred.

Also want to reassure you that we often feel our own flaws are much worse than they really are. As to the health issues after the accutane...Have you seen your doctors to make sure they're doing everything possible to make you as healthy? It might be worth a follow up visit to ask about that.

In the meantime, just do your very best to leave any pimple of any kind alone. Nature tends to heal them with hardly any scars if we don't touch them. If we do end up with scars, most of them fade at least a bit over time, and there are excellent cover up make ups there days. And you know about the scar reduction treatments as you've had some already. But again, the biggest and most important step is to not touch your face except to wash it. (Easier said than done, of course.) And I'm sure that even if you have some pimples and scars, you are being your own harshest critic. :hug:

I hope that the side effects settle down along with the acne flare ups. Please take care of yourself.

A.

 

[total eclipse]

Hi you sorry too you have suffered so much i do hope in time you can find right combination of medication perhaps that will help you heal.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Hi brokengirl and welcome to SF. You can speak freely here, you won't upset anyone just by talking about your feelings. We are all here to help. You aren't being whiny, you are just depressed and you need to let your feelings out. It's good that you have your family as support. I'm sorry to hear about the side effects from the drug you took...I'm sure there will be ways to help with some of it. Your fiance is with you because he loves you, and I'm sure you aren't hideous. Of course your story deserves to be read and it's not ridiculously long. It's just good to get out all of your feelings and I did read it all. I wish there was more I could do or say to help, but you can talk to me anytime you want.

 

[gentlelady]

:welcome: to the forum. Thank you for sharing about yourself and giving us a chance to get to know you. I am sorry to hear of all your health issues. Remember they don't define who you are. People often tend to see themselves in a more negative light than they see each other. I am glad you have met someone that you can share your thoughts and feelings with. Support is such an important thing. I hope you find even more here with us. take care :hug:

 

[Brokengirl123]

Hi, thanks to everyone for reading and responding that means a lot.

B-rock thanks for taking time out to reasearch and offering your advice that is kind. I have thought about the lawsuit thing but it's not easy, in fact most lawyers only accept cases from people with stomach issues so severe that they have had part of their colon removed. Thank gosh this has not happened to me but unfort. they aren't as bothered about my skin from head to toe being thin, damagable, wrinkly and red/purple looking despite the severe mental effect this has on me, nor will any doctors admit that accutane is the roblem. My own GP said it was 'unlikely' that accutane is the cause of most of my issues last week...I actually laughed like a nutcase and said oh right, so one day my lips were splitting and bleeding and my arms flushing bright red due to accutane as the dermatologist told me and then the next day magically these things are happening for another reason. No-one wants to admit the potential damage this can cause to any and every part of the body. Only us who have taken it and suffered the worst case scenarios, we are in it alone for the most part.

I'm good at not touching my face now... I just wish I was 5-10 years ago though but I used to want to get the 'badness' out so I couldn't leave my skin alone. But I would go back to just having skin problems now, all this other stuff makes everything impossible. I miss the days of being deeply depressed because of one issue!!!

Thanks in all to everybody for your kindness and words of advice. I'm having a bad day today and really want to get out of this body and have been thinking ill thoughts, I feel like I know it will happen one day eventually as things digress and worsen. I just have too many things wrong with me inside and out. But for today I am here and alive (albeit miserably) and having this place is a big help I wish I'd found it sooner. See you guys around on the board xxxxxxxx

 

[youRprecious!]

Hi honey - I am so very sorry to hear about your skin problems as well as the other burdens that you carry. This SF site is a great place for finding people to talk with and to support you in your feelings and your battles. Oh, how I wish that there was a magic wand in life that we could wave and everything would come right, and we can start all over with all the things we wouldn't have done, had we known, back then. Guess everyone is like this to a certain extent.

It's wonderful you have a loving mum and younger brother and your fiance. Keep on telling them how much you value them and what they all mean to you, thank them for being on your journey with you, and that their perspective is important to you because it helps your perspective. Communication is the key, and there's always people ready and willing to communicate on here with you. Blessings, hun

 

[meaningless-vessel]

:doh:

Forgot to say hi and :welcome: to SF here...

Ah well, better late than never - although you've seen me in chat now :lol:

G

 

[Brokengirl123]

hehe thanks G. Look at me, only here a week ay and making friends already :p

Thanks urPrecious, and you're definately right.

I need to stop pushing my fiance away but I can't help but think he deserves a nicer girl without so many problems, he could easily find one as he is a handsome guy. We used to both be slightly flawed but now I feel majorly flawed and I don't feel good enough at all but I try not to dwell on that. Also when my tinnitus/hyperacusis gets to me I get so irritable and moody and take it out on him! I have never (really) been a moody, angry person until I got tinnitus!!

Anyways enough of that, thanks for the welcome guys, it's great here.

 

[TigersMomJ]

Omg, I just read your op and I have to tell you how heart wrenching it is! I have a 12 year old daughter who was stick thin her whole life until she was put on Risperdal three years ago for bipolar disorder. It has caused her to gain weight and now she thinks she looks disgusting. She hates school, hates buying clothes, hates going out in public. She's barely even overweight at all but it's all she can see and it's so sad to hear her talk about herself in a negative way because she is truly stunningly beautiful. Your post reminds me of her and it made me so sad to hear that you're feeling that way. Obviously you are beautiful, it comes through in your post. I'm so sorry you're struggling and I'm glad you're reaching out to others. Don't give up. Bodies can heal, skin regenerates.. if you can't love the way you look, remember that other's can. I have a friend who has disfiguring burn scars on half his face and he is the sweetest, funniest, most sincere person and he is living a happy life with a wife and kids and friends who adore him. Please don't hide yourself away, because if you do, the joy that's looking for you may not be able to find you. I wish you the best! <3

 

[youRprecious!]

Yes and Amen to that! Beauty is more than skin-deep, and inner beauty shines through - a grateful, humble confidence properly placed in faith about goodness, renewal and regeneration and an inner knowledge and certainty (that comes with building it) that our Western culture and its values are pretty superficial and don't need to be believed, let alone conformed to. (Apart from earning enough to live, but that's always been that way for everyone born, lol!)

 

[Brokengirl123]

Thanks I wish the world were full of people like you guys and not ones who stare/comment/make snide remarks about my 'condition'...it would make things so much easier. Some people, they just love to knock us down eh, even more so when we are 'different'.

It is quite dull and overcast here today and I've taken my pain meds so I am going to go out for a walk with my mum and enjoy her company and some fresh air. Thank you for your kind words and making me smile.

 

[youRprecious!]

That reminds me of an old 'Stones' song: (I can't get no) Satisfaction) "People try to knock us down.........just because we get around..... etc." I often remind myself of that - even people everywhere, even the "successful" ones, are still faced with this horrid trait in human nature - that of others and their little patches of power....... & if there seems to be something 'obvious' one can feel 'superior' in (or they feel threatened in any way) - it just shows us how immature and pathetic people are who will do this, in preference to being gentle, loving and accepting when they can be, and prepared to think the best about you.

I love walking in UK (we came from there originally) - now we have to walk over here, lol!