hi

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by chw1111, Nov 9, 2013.

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  1. chw1111

    chw1111 Member

    Just signed up here. Feeling horrible. Just wish i could stop everything painlessly. Nothing new i guess that hasnt already been said.
     
  2. Hello I'm sorry you are feeling horrible and I hope things get better soon. There's lot of people here who will be there for you if you ever need to talk. I'm glad you decided to join this forum.

    -Derek
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you tell us what it is that has brought you to this point hun Perhaps talking about it will help to release some of the pain some hugs to you
     
  4. chw1111

    chw1111 Member

    Thanx to both of you. I have been in recovery (AA) for 9 months now. My life is totally in suspension, stagnation. Had depression, anxiety all my life. Its at its worst since sobriety. I dont work. My parents support me fro afar...making me guilty a lot. I cant seem to connect with anyone, even others in recovery. Havent left the apt. Today. Done nothing.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Congratulations hun on being in recovery for 9 mths that is so great you are feeling more now that you are in remission Here is a good place to let go of some of the sadness ok
    Your parents would want to help you hun don't ever feel guilty ok i help my grown children and i never ever regret it . I love them so does your parents love you
    I am glad you are talking here keep doing so ok You are not alone now
     
  6. chw1111

    chw1111 Member

    Thank you TE. I just knew I would go through this. But the reality is, I just cant seem to stop feeling bad. Or maybe I dont want to? Maybe im lazy. I am closer to giving up though. Too much pain for too long. I am 45 yrs old. Totally embarrassed and a wasted life. I think im just wasting my breath here. Pretty pointless actually. I firmly believe im near the end. I knew this would happen. That's why i put off getting sober for so long. Lonely and useless.
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are just feeling emotions now hun but that is good ok you just need someone to help you cope with what you are feeling OMG hun 45 is so young You have time to heal time to find a new path i know it seems impossible but it isn/t Just dam depression making you think that Please reach out ok to your doctor and your family who love you a nd set up some therapy for you to get you stronger
     
  8. chw1111

    chw1111 Member

    Ive already done that countless times. Its tiring for everyone involved.
     
  9. chw1111

    chw1111 Member

    Also, im a selfish p.o.s. for even feeling this way and even being here wasting your time. My apologies.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not selfish hun and i am glad you are here it shows me you do want help hun It does not matter how many times you try ok each time you do you get something from the therapy You need to understand that it is not being about selfish ok it is about reaching out so you can heal it is possible Your family want you here hun they don't want you to leave it would hurt them so much i am speaking from someone who knows please keep trying
     
  11. chw1111

    chw1111 Member

    Well, i feel that if i did do "it", it would be better for parents in the long run. My mom wouldnt have to worry anymore. Because i wouldnt be tortured anymore. No longer a financial burden either. I dont have any close friends anymore and no kids.
     
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi chw. Congrats on your sobriety from drinking. thats a great accomplishment. I think that anything that we use to make us feel better is self medicating. of course it ends up working against us. But my point is that there still is the reason we were self medicating in the first place. The pain we are trying to deal with. For me it was smoking cigarettes and issues with food. But when I stopped, the underlying issues that caused me to self medicate came up even stronger.

    Are you in counseling? Many people end up taking medication prescribed by an MD for anxiety depression etc. The thing is that its not your fault. Even though judgements against the self might say otherwise. So are you in counselling to hopefully help with some of that pain and those feelings about the self? Believe me, I have a huge amount of negative feelings about myself. But I did notice them in some of the words you wrote. I know how intensely painful those feelings can be for me. Welcome and glad you are here. This really is a good place. I hope you will find some really good community here.
     
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I began writing the post before I saw the last post you wrote. I want to explain something to you. It is not uncommon for people in extreme pain to think that they are so much of a burden on their family that it would be better for their family if they were dead. This thinking comes from great pain. But it honestly is not true. I have even thought it myself... many times. But I know it is not true.

    The agony families are left with when a loved one suicides is unending. It never stops. Especially when a parent loses a "child" of any age. The loss of a "child" is something a parent never recovers from. It is a pain that is never ending. Add to that the fact that they suicide. It makes it even more painful, if that is even possible.

    So I wanted to just say that to you. Not to condemn your words. Because I have had these thoughts many times. But to just let you know what I have heard so often over the years being here. As well as at a website that is frequented by many grieving parents
    .

    :butterfly048: :butterfly7: :butterfly8:
     
  14. chw1111

    chw1111 Member

    I appreciate your words. However talking to someone at this point isnt helping and making me feel worse because i hate listening to myself. The only reason I dont do "it" is because of pain my family would feel. So what does one suggest. I feel as if im bleeding out from my soul. We euthanize animals and some people to keep from suffering or we keep them alive for our own selfish reasons. Btw, I fully agree with euthanasia for terminally ill and suffering. I believe i am terminally ill. Who should make that decision for me? I have been on multiples of meds for 20 years. Each one stops my soul bleeding temporarily, with each subsequent bout of depression worse than the last. A vicious cycle if u ask me.
     
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    chw, I have thought many times some of the words you have written. Of course I do not have any answers. Not that you were looking for answers here. But I have found some relief being here at sf. I consider it to be different from the mental health websites I have found. Perhaps its just a personal preference. But I hope you will consider posting often here. It really does help me. It does not make the depression and other aspects of the illness go away. But it does ease the pain. I am not alone in it anymore. I can have a voice. Often I can be heard. And I can maybe, hopefully sometimes help others here. For me, giving is a momentary sort of antidote. Unless I get drained or dragged out doing so. You mentioned "soul". And I hear ya, from my perspective. I think that when I give from the heart, I get connected to my heart/soul. And I think that helps me to feel a bit better.

    I do totally hear ya re feeling terminal. And I think some others here feel that also. I hear ya re euthanizing animals.... I have thought the same thing countless times. But there is another thought that says if I take my life, then I close the door on something in the future that could be the reason I was born. I have no clue what it is. I have no clue if that thought is right. But I don't want to die and then realize what it was really all about and then not be able to get back. So I stay. I stay in a body that has a mind that is not well at all. But I stay in a body that is ill. There is a shred of hope for a miracle.... Will it happen? idk. But I stay. I am sorry for the pain you are in. Sadly you found a group where most or all of us are not strangers to pain. I dont think we are as alone when we are here. Just my personal opinion. So I hope you will continue to post here as much as you want.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 10, 2013
  16. chw1111

    chw1111 Member

    No better today. If you die you cant realize anything cause you're dead re; last post.
     
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes of course you are very right. I am sorry for your pain
     
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