Discussion in 'Welcome' started by SilencedFaith, Feb 14, 2014.

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  1. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    Hi everyone.

    I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but the logic points to me that I need to talk to someone. Running out of alternatives, this might be one my few last bets.

    Generally speaking, I'm just tired. Tired of waking up. Tired of going to uni. Tired of going to work. Tired of communicating. Tired of acting. Tired of living. Tired of doing all those things I used to enjoy. I've been struggling for the past 11 years, each time telling myself to hold on. Things will get better soon. Things will get better in the future. Things will improve. I'm not sure how many more years I'm going to continue to lie to myself. Things are not going well. Things will not get better. Things will not improve.

    I'm losing it, and I'm tired of holding on.

    What prompted me to at least find a place to seek help is recently I had looking for ways to kill myself as quickly and cleanly as possible. This scared me so much that I vomited as soon as I realized what I was looking up on. I had always thought of dying, but actually doing it? But I am even more terrified at calling for help from friends and family - they never did understand every time I'm trying to tell them that I needed help. In the end I would just nod and smile, telling them I'm all OK and walk away. Inside, I'm bleeding and in pain. As if the migraines and chest pains aren't enough.

    They told me it's a phase that every teenager go through. All the angst and emo. Right, angst. Now 11 years later all I can see are either shades of grey and black. I've been depressed for so long that I can't remember what happiness and love feel like. I've been wearing the friendly and cheerful mask for so long that I automatically switch to "friendly" mode whenever I walk out of my room door. I'm always the good boy in the family, always the good friend in my circle, always the good co-worker in my office. Always the positive one. Always the listening one. Always the helpful one. Always the smiling one. Always the funny one. Always the kind one. And I'm sick of it all. Because back in my own room, when I can put down my mask, all I wanted to do was to lay down on my bed, sleep, and hope that I won't wake up tomorrow. It's OK even if it's the end of the world tomorrow, just don't let me wake up ever again. At least when I'm asleep and not dreaming I don't feel the anxiety and sorrow. Dreams? Most of the times I get nightmares.

    There's still some miles for me to go on, but I'm not sure if I can make it to the end.

    I guess all I need is some encouragement? Some advice? I'm not sure. Anything to make me walk the miles left I guess.

  2. SuicideSam

    SuicideSam Banned Member

    Hi SilencedFaith welcome to SF. That mask can get real heavy and I'm glad to see you reaching out instead of giving up. I hope you can find some comfort and solice here and in the fact that you are not alone.
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member


    Stick around on SF Silenced Faith and you're bound to find the support & friendship you need and the reason you need to carry on - glib as it sounds tommorow is another day

    tc feller

  4. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    Thanks Sam and Twocky. Typing all that out helps with the moment. Felt much better now than just now though. I'll hold on for just another day, just for another day.
  5. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Hi SilencedFaith, I am new on SF as well. Have found it helpful to be here. Glad your here and hope you can find what you need here.
  6. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    Hi Unionfalls,

    I've read quite a number of threads and helps. They have really helped me for the time being. And yes, I hope I can find here what I can't find in 'the real world.' :)
  7. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hey SilencedFaith, and welcome to SL. I'm happy you found this place and hope that it becomes a source of support and comfort for you.

    The fact that you realized you needed to reach out, and then did it - that's amazing and took a lot of strength. Those are the two first (and very big) steps. I would encourage you to speak with a counselor at uni, at least to find more places you can seek out help, support, community and direction. Also please jump right in here; I'm pretty new myself, and can attest to everyone being really welcoming, understanding and comforting.

    I hope being here starts the ball rolling on you feeling better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other; at least you'll keep moving forward. Hang in there! :)
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi SilencedFaith, from across the Tasman :) So glad you have written in, as we are all on our journey trying to find the light, and we have at least some sort of an understanding that there is a difference between our insides and what you describe as 'the real world' out there that it is so difficult to feel a part of sometimes because it feels so meaningless and confused and void of purpose. Most if not all of us here know exactly this reality, so you are by no means alone, and together we are mining wisdom and looking for insights to remedy the inward conclusions that we have come to. SF is a gr8 place SF!!:)
  9. SilencedFaith

    SilencedFaith Member

    Hi Justsomegirl and Precious,
    Thanks for the encouragements! That really made me feel better, to know that I’m not alone in this. Speaking of which, your usernames in combination reminded me that everyone is one of a kind. A good way to start the day. :p
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    You're certainly not alone SF, nor ever will be here :) Any time day or night there are hugs and listening ears to be had :)
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Take heart that nobody will judge you but provide the support you require. Take care.
  12. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    Hi, welcome to SF! :) I hope you find what you are looking for here. If you ever need someone to talk to, my message box is open! :)
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