Discussion in 'Welcome' started by jord536, Sep 4, 2014.

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  1. jord536

    jord536 New Member

    don't really know where to start so here goes

    i don't have any real history of depression or mental illness, although the thought and idea of suicide has always been floating in the back of my mind ever since i was 15 or 16.

    anyway, i've fucked up and made the biggest mistake of my life i could possibly make. i had an amazing girlfriend, we were together for 3 years. she worshipped the ground i walked on and would do anything for me. we moved in together a year ago (i moved 170 miles away from my family to do so) and everything was great. i was quite home sick a lot of the time but i'd got myself a job, a car etc and things were moving forward. i then made the biggest mistake i've ever made and got involved in an affair for a couple of months, a work colleague. in the end i put an end to it (about 3 months ago) but the guilt that i felt just took control of me and i become horrible to be around and would be snappy and unable to joke or raise a smile around my girlfriend. this was the first time i'd ever cheated on someone and i didn't know how to deal with the guilt of what i had done. the last few weeks have been horrific. i left my girlfriend to come back home because i felt home sick, and regretted it immediately because i missed her so much. since then, a few days ago, i told her about the cheating. i didn't want to do it as i felt i was merely passing my pain onto her unfairly, but felt it was better coming from me rather than the person i had an affair with, who in recent weeks has been threatening to tell her because she wanted revenge as i no longer wanted to see her.

    so i have thrown it all away. we had plans (and were saving) for a house. we wanted kids together and we wanted to build something special. i know it's my own fault and i have to take responsibility, but i really see no reason to live now i've nothing to live for? she was the greatest person i could ever hope to meet and i'm at a loss to explain why it happened. i was seriously unhappy at times because i was missing home a lot and she just happened to be a "shoulder to cry on" and now that i think about it, i feel she was playing on my feelings and emotions for her own agenda.

    the last couple of weeks i've been researching all ways to commit suicide, and i'm really very calm about the idea as i feel like i've already come to terms and accepted my decision. i will be in here now and then over the next couple of weeks though so say hi

    nice to meet you
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You will only harm her more by committing suicide if you care about this person then get some therapy for yourself to help you do better in relationships to help you understand why you did what you did so you don't do it again. Perhaps you and she can both get councilling together If you show her you can be trusted you have to earn her trust she may take you back
    But leaving her will only harm her more so don't do that ok
  3. jord536

    jord536 New Member

    i don't think she will ever take me back, i don't think she intends to hear from me or speak to me again anyway so i am not sure i can do her more harm
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