Discussion in 'Welcome' started by purplelilyxx, Mar 17, 2015.

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  1. purplelilyxx

    purplelilyxx New Member

    Hi, well I have absolutely no idea what to say, so this is pretty much just a random string of words placed together...

    I suppose I should start by saying my name is Marie, I recently found out that I am not going to get better and I am expected to continue battling to be relatively okay for the rest of my life, when I have absolutely no fight left in me. I want to give up, I pretty much have, I attempted suicide 2 days ago, and unfortunately it failed. I have a husband who does love me, and a 3 month old son, and I know that everyone is going to say that I'm so selfish, but honestly they would be better off without me. I'm trying to push my husband away, but it's just not working. Infact I've pushed everyone away, yet everyone seems to keep bugging me. All I want is some peace, which I can't seem to find. I have absolutely no idea why I'm here, or even writing this, but hey I am. I had the crisis team round today, and had them asking what would help me, and I told them, that I had absolutely no idea, which I don't. So yeah, Hi?!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your depression is lying to you NO WAY you son will be better off with you gone. Fact is he will suffer as you are suffering loss of a parent to suicide only passes on that same trait to a child You do not no what will help you meds maybe therapy or both but pushing people away certainly will not help it will only cause you more pain i know i am sorry you are so low right now but depression is a cycle and if you have hit to lowest of lows then you have only one way to go and that is up now ok so hold on
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about you suffering. Life is important and please take advice given by Total Eclipse as she is right. You need to speak to your doctor and tell them about your feelings.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, and really 3 months postpartum it is no surprise. Between the ridiculous amount of stress a new baby places on you plus the hormone issues, combined with a history of depression it is certain to be a rough time. But many of these issues self resolve. The hormones will get balanced out in time and the infant will become more routine and less stressful. So far as "I recently found out that I am not going to get better and I am expected to continue battling to be relatively okay for the rest of my life" what diagnosis led to this conclusion?
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi purplelily, welcome to the forums!!

    Did you suffer with depression before you had your baby? Is it possible this is post natal depression? Just a thought I'd had while reading your post.
    Anyway, you are very welcome here and feel free to talk/vent/rant all you like, there will always be someone willing to listen to you :hug:
  6. purplelilyxx

    purplelilyxx New Member

    How can he be better off with me, when I can't even do the simplest things for him, I can barely feed and change him, not exactly going to win best mum of the year award. I can't even bring myself to play with him, I just look at him and wonder would the others have been like him? As I have had 3 terminations, horrid of me I know. What gave me the right to choose who to have? Nothing. Sorry, today I am feeling incredibly angry, I have absolutely no idea why. I have the crisis team coming round everyday and my CPN coming once a week, they have absolutely no clue what to do, and expect me to know what works, when I have no idea at all. I was diagnosed at 18 with Major Depressive Disorder, however my latest diagnosis is Recurrent Depressive Disorder, which I've been told means I will have it for life, I was always lead to believe I would get better, whereas now I've been told I will just cycle, and so will the meds. I honestly don't have the strength to continue battling. My husband left for work in tears this morning, I caused that. He deserves someone who can love and care for him more than I can, he honestly was a lot better off before he met me, he had no stress, no one to worry about, and could do what he wanted, when he wanted. Not have to constantly worry if I have made another suicide attempt, or even bothered to eat or drink anything at all. He loves his job, and is seriously considering leaving it to basically become my carer, and I know that would devastate him.
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