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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Melinda, Mar 12, 2016.

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  1. Melinda

    Melinda New Member

    Hey, everyone. My name is Melinda and I turned 21 not too long ago.

    The reason why I joined the forum is because it's very hard for me to let out my feelings without being judged for them or me thinking about it ruining someone's view of me.

    I've been going to a group along with a psychologist. They seem to work (?). But I've lately been having more "episodes". I feel like I can't change. I just feel stupid for being in school. It's very hard to boost my self-esteem when I know the reflection in the mirror is just this fleshy lump of a body everyone else associates it as being me, when I don't feel that it is of the time.

    I hope that this forum helps me over time.
  2. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hey Melinda, I'm Prash and I'm 21 too.

    I can understand that. There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health and it can be hard to open up to someone if you don't know how they will take it. However, I would suggest finding a close friend or family member you trust and telling them a little of how you are feeling. Even if to say you are feeling a little down or stressed.

    I'm glad the groups are working. What subjects are you doing in school? I don't think you are stupid. You seem like a nice person. Sorry for how you are feeling, I hope the forum can help you too. Welcome to SF :)
    CandleLight likes this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum Melinda, I hope you find what you need here.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF, Melinda! I'm happy you've found this forum and I really hope it can help you.

    I would also suggest trying to open up, if only a little to a friend or family member, it can be a massive stone taken off of your chest if you have someone you can talk to.
    But I'm happy to hear that you find the group helps you. Keep up the good work hun!

    You're not stupid at all hun *hugs*

    Try to be kind to yourself hun!

    My inbox is always open if you ever want to chat.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Melinda,

    welcome to the forum, make yourself at home here, we don't bite :) feel free to talk through your issues with us, we will not judge you and we will try to be there for you as much as possible :)
    CandleLight likes this.
  6. Melinda

    Melinda New Member

    Well I have opened up to my family before and my current boyfriend. The problem is is that my mother, sister, and boyfriend completely don't understand that this isn't something I can just think away or immediately brake habit from. I've been made fun in the past and even hurt from my mother who looked down on me when I physically made a twitch that she didn't like.

    Like I scratch myself when my stress levels get really high. It mainly happens when I've tried my best at something but I know (or possibly don't know) that it wasn't good enough. This happened a lot in math and in English grammar which my mom would just look down on me for. I know last spring semester I got so stressed that I smashed a mirror cause I couldn't stand looking at myself every time I passed by my bedroom door. She just came in screaming for me to stop cause the neighbors would hear; which to me felt like she didn't even notice how much I was suffering to get at that point.

    The only ones that relate to me are my brother and dad who have these strong feelings as well. When I do finally break and talk to them, they help for the most part. But I always feel like I'm burdening them. Cause I'm also replaying emotions they still have. It's hard for me to tell them when I know they might get stressed by me saying it.

    I only think I'm dumb because I, without a doubt, almost always get a low grade or fail classes that I need to write in. For the most part, I feel like I speak well and write well enough for you to understand me but currently I have one of my toughest teachers yet who failed me on my midterm because I didn't spell a lot of things correctly and apparently didn't write things well enough to flow fluently through the sentences. I've always struggled with this and it hits a nerve whenever I have to deal with this. I'm currently enrolled in a digital arts program... I'm not a freaking English or Math major. Never have. Never will be.

    I'm always dreading how long I have to stay in school for. I'm scared to stay longer and have to deal with this reoccurring situation which I feel won't completely dissappear after taking an essay writing tutor. I can't have them there when I have a test.

    I know everyone is not perfect. But in my mind, because I don't understand this "simple" grammar situation, I feel like a moron and wonder how I even got into school.

    Sorry for the long reply... I've gotten into the habit of drinking a bit to calm myself... I'm likely making a bad habit but I'd rather a slight bad headache in the morning than a sleepless night..
  7. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    I understand your feeling about sharing unhappy feelings with your loved ones, but you should let them know that you are also there for you and they can share their concerns/issues with you, as well. Another thing is that, they care about you and you do matter to them, because they love you, even though your topic is not a happy one, but they would still want to hear it from you and help you (otherwise you would have known it). So, instead of feeling bad about sharing sad things with them, try to get the maximum out of their help and support. They will be so happy to see you that you are doing better, and even happier to see that their company has had a positive impact on how you are doing.

    Hey, you know that it's not true, not every body is good in every thing, that's why we have majors, to choose what to focus on and what we are good at it. For the rest of the topics, well one should deal with them and once it's done, there will be just enjoying what you want to do.
  8. Melinda

    Melinda New Member

    I can definitely see where you are coming from, sahel. My psychiatrist says the same thing. But I get so worked up over these things, even when I use mindfulness. I think something that I don't know well yet is when can I use mindfulness in a class situation when I need to concentrate on what the teacher is saying or else I won't have notes and the like. When should I leave? Should I leave? Should I tell my teachers about this? Is this me wanting attention? So on and so forth.

    I can say without a doubt that what I want to do in my life is the arts and I love it so much. So when it comes to the hurdles I have to overcome, not only amI slamming into a brick wall but afterwards I get a titanic wave of emotions that flood in and it's terrifying! I've been minding my own business, likely thinking about something that worries me and I just crumble with fear no matter where I am.

    Every other day I think of suicide. I know it's not the answer to my problems. I know it won't stop the pain but the feeling of being alone and not amounting to anything in the world because I'm so weak, I don't know how to handle relationships well, and I don't flaunt my art skills unlike others in classes.

    Something that makes my heart hurt to no end is knowing that the past I have, its nothing to others. I haven't had anything really bad happen to me other than myself mainly. I have to accept myself for who I am but knowing that's it's all my fault that my personality beats me to the ground just... I can't stand it. I want to die every other day. It's hard to be confident when the voice in your head just beats you to a pulp every hour... And you can't listen to positive feedback cause you're always questioning of its genuine...
  9. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    Listening to music or watching a beautiful painting or enjoying art in general makes me relax. I think it would be even more true when you are the one creating art. I don't have many experience, just my guess. You love art so much. Do you think having a piece of work (whatever art that you prefer) to work on it, and to think about it when bad/negative thoughts come to you might be useful for distracting your mind?

    obviously, I don't know the whole picture and what bothers you about your personality. But I think you are too harsh to yourself. Everybody HAS their own flaws in their personality, it's not your fault. Actually you are one step a head of many other people because you know what you don't like about your personality. This is good, but you should also be kinder with yourself, and like yourself for who you are or at least come to peace with it, while trying to improve and make yourself even a better person.

    Hugs for you, dear future's great artist:), btw, what's your favourite art(s) and artist(s).
  10. Melinda

    Melinda New Member

    I think that when I was younger, I thought saying or thinking anything good about yourself was being boastful and hurt peoples feelings that you would brag so over time, I've downplayed a lot of my achievements in life. I can't be sure but it's something I can remember and I've been known to have a good memory...

    I want to be an animator. So my favorite artists are directors and illustrators such as Hayao Miyazaki, A. A. Milnes, anything from G Kids is good. I look at animation very critiquely but in a good way. I love it so much it's practically the only kind of movies i watch anymore.
    CandleLight likes this.
  11. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    Animations are awesome:) I really like them, too. I know nothing about the technical details. I just enjoy watching it as a fan. Is Hayao Miyazaki director of the spirited away, moving castle of .. , etc.? I really like its animations. I've watched 4-5 of his animations and some of them are my favourites:)
  12. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Hi Melinda, I really like that you are an artist! I can spend hours writing, I think it's even cooler that your own passion is creating art. I would love to hear more about your creativity and talent. And it's OK to say to others in the world that you have talent. It's important to honor your strengths, it's not boasting (and even if it were, that's not bad)! I am having trouble wording my response so I hope it all sounds OK... :)
    sahel likes this.
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