Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Asneakyfatcat, Jul 18, 2016.

  1. Asneakyfatcat

    Asneakyfatcat New Member

    New here on this site. I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. If I'd put a number to it, it probably started around when I was 9 or 10. I've always felt kind of isolated, kind of just floating on the fringe. I have one good friend who honestly got me through my younger years, but that mutual support has since collapsed.

    Anyway, over the past few years, since I graduated highschool(18 ish, 2 years ago), I've been more seriously contemplating suicide. I guess some part of me thought college would be an entry into the world I dreamt of as a kid. Long story short, it turned out to be more of the same, so I spent a year doing drugs and all around hating life till I got kicked out, scraping my way by a possibly VERY long prison sentence. Got betrayed by some people I thought were friends, and pretty much lost any hope I had left as my best friend entered into a similar depression. The two of us barely talk anymore.

    My girlfriend kept me going through all of this. I was (obsessively)healthy for a while, and actually had some semblance of a purpose(writing scripts to become a screenwriter) but she left me for someone else about a year ago. Since then, there's been nothing really. Revenge for her destroying me fueled some writing for a while, but that faded quickly as I realized I never really loved her. I'm attending online classes(off for the summer) to satiate my father(living with my parents btw).

    Right now I can't imagine anything good ever coming to me in the future. Screenwriting, the only thing I really like doing at this point, is far too competitive for me to keep up. Hell I barely managed to write a few when in top condition(when I was dating my ex), and I'd have to write way more to even dream of being professional. My parents, and occasionally my sister's family, are the only people I ever have contact with. I've been trying some dating sites but the few people I did meet up with weren't right for me. Sex is extremely dissatisfying now. As for the drugs I enjoyed, weed sends me into a horrible anxiety trance where I disassociate from reality. It's horrible. Normal conversation is also filled with paranoia. The weed seems to exacerbate this. This was even a problem when I was dating my ex so I guess something triggered it when I was in college. I've always been paranoid and horrible with conversation in general, but it's gotten worse I think. I can't trust anyone at all.

    These past few months have essentially been me hiding behind my computer when my parents are home, and drinking when they're not. Nothing is truly enjoyable. I'm essentially dead already, just not in any rush to kill myself. I'm sure once life comes knocking and my father inevitably presses me to get a job, I'll probably go for a long ride somewhere and end it. Who knows though, I'll have schoolwork to do in a month so I might end it before then. So yeahhh, ummm, nice to meet ya? :eek:
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum. What about going to a doctor or counsellor. Can you see school as something to look forward to.
  3. Asneakyfatcat

    Asneakyfatcat New Member

    Yeah I've looked for help before, but no one can really match me when I'm in my zone if that makes sense. I don't know how to put it I guess, after all I think I'm the worst person in the world, but I can't deny that I am intelligent either. I end up just picking everything apart and it just confirms I guess. As I said I don't particularly feel the need to die, but this world doesn't give me much to look forward to either. Everything we're programmed to do makes me sick. Sexual attraction, consumption, the love a parent feels for the child. It's all far too clear cut to me to be amusing, and I'm not holding my breath for someone to sit with that'll make the passing of time more bearable.

    As for looking forward to.... I'm half planning on hanging out with this one girl who was a really good friend at my old college. I'll probably do that sometime in September. She's had it rough and I want to see her at least one more time. Turns out, of all the people I met up there, the girl that rejected me was the one that cared about me the most. Kind of goes with the theme I guess. Detachment is a kinder way of living.
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    What about looking foward to school clubs. Can you hang out with this girl before September.
  5. Asneakyfatcat

    Asneakyfatcat New Member

    School clubs? I go to school online currently. Plus if I'm back on campus I know exactly what I'd be doing. Listening to music with bright lights flashing in my eyes, and getting good grades because that causes less confrontation. Clubs weren't exactly in my schedule.

    I think I can make it to September. I've got 20 years under my belt, so, bar nothing troublesome happens, I'm here for now, looking for things and people in all the wrong places I guess...
  6. Hey man, I hear your pain and confusion in the words you used to describe where you are right now. Rockclimbinggirl asked if you had talked to anyone. Don't give up too quickly finding someone to talk to. There are good counselors out there. There are even some good ones online who can help. Do you need some resources to find someone?