New here on this site. I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. If I'd put a number to it, it probably started around when I was 9 or 10. I've always felt kind of isolated, kind of just floating on the fringe. I have one good friend who honestly got me through my younger years, but that mutual support has since collapsed. Anyway, over the past few years, since I graduated highschool(18 ish, 2 years ago), I've been more seriously contemplating suicide. I guess some part of me thought college would be an entry into the world I dreamt of as a kid. Long story short, it turned out to be more of the same, so I spent a year doing drugs and all around hating life till I got kicked out, scraping my way by a possibly VERY long prison sentence. Got betrayed by some people I thought were friends, and pretty much lost any hope I had left as my best friend entered into a similar depression. The two of us barely talk anymore. My girlfriend kept me going through all of this. I was (obsessively)healthy for a while, and actually had some semblance of a purpose(writing scripts to become a screenwriter) but she left me for someone else about a year ago. Since then, there's been nothing really. Revenge for her destroying me fueled some writing for a while, but that faded quickly as I realized I never really loved her. I'm attending online classes(off for the summer) to satiate my father(living with my parents btw). Right now I can't imagine anything good ever coming to me in the future. Screenwriting, the only thing I really like doing at this point, is far too competitive for me to keep up. Hell I barely managed to write a few when in top condition(when I was dating my ex), and I'd have to write way more to even dream of being professional. My parents, and occasionally my sister's family, are the only people I ever have contact with. I've been trying some dating sites but the few people I did meet up with weren't right for me. Sex is extremely dissatisfying now. As for the drugs I enjoyed, weed sends me into a horrible anxiety trance where I disassociate from reality. It's horrible. Normal conversation is also filled with paranoia. The weed seems to exacerbate this. This was even a problem when I was dating my ex so I guess something triggered it when I was in college. I've always been paranoid and horrible with conversation in general, but it's gotten worse I think. I can't trust anyone at all. These past few months have essentially been me hiding behind my computer when my parents are home, and drinking when they're not. Nothing is truly enjoyable. I'm essentially dead already, just not in any rush to kill myself. I'm sure once life comes knocking and my father inevitably presses me to get a job, I'll probably go for a long ride somewhere and end it. Who knows though, I'll have schoolwork to do in a month so I might end it before then. So yeahhh, ummm, nice to meet ya?