Hi

Status
Not open for further replies.

Rebreb

Well-Known Member
#21
Hey, so glad you're a bit better today. I was worried. And hooray, the naturopath should be able to help, I'm really glad to hear that.

I'm hanging in there. Just taking it day by day. I do like to read, do you have a recommendation?

The flashbacks actually have eased. They aren't as violent and today I didn't have many triggers. I think I'm processing a lot even if it doesn't feel like anything is happening.

Super glad to hear from you. Sending you my love and hope you have a good day today.
 

HannahH

Active Member
#22
Oh thank you Rebreb, you really are very sweet you know! I'm so sorry I scared you yesterday. It had been a long week & when i got bubby home from daycare & first changed his nappy he has huge blisters, they were actually bleeding, & incredibly painful for him (changing his nappy today has been a nightmare) & they weren't there when I dropped him at daycare that morning, so I just don't know what has happened. Anyway, finding him like that at the end of a long week, I completely over reacted - I felt so guilty that he was experiencing that pain as a direct result of my actions, which I know (when my mind is behaving) is a bit unrealistic but I was also exhausted & have been so down on myself lately (as you know).

I've had a better day today, I've become very bad at eating because I associate it with so much pain. Over the last 6+ years I have been diagnosed with coeliac, lactose intolerance, chronic gastritis & IBS, all prior to falling pregnant, & as you know I had a really rough pregnancy. I think all of that has wiped me out & I've lost a bit of fight in the last few months. I know I've not got it anywhere near as bad as others in this world, but even that upsets me at the moment, then I get really angry with myself for being so pathetic. I'm absolutely hopeless at talking about things too - I just lock it all away (lost memories & all of that, I know you're familiar with all of this). These days if I stay in the bedroom by myself for longer than 15 mins hubby comes & checks on me, in my mind that gives me even more ammunition to be pissed off with myself (& I know why he does it, & that he's right to check, I just feel like such a selfish & nasty person to put him through that - I'm very lucky he comes & checks really, so again need to stop being an idiot). Anyway, it's a cycle at the moment, you get the picture. It's funny how much easier it feels writing some of this - need to make sure I don't re-read it though. I do that & then get pissed off with myself for being an idiot & delete it all.

Anyway, we've started a meal plan today to try & make a start at changing some of this, then on top of that hopefully the naturopath will further help. Fingers crossed all this effort doesn't go to waste. I think if I can get a handle on my health other things (hopefully my feelings) will fall into place.

I'm so glad to hear your flashbacks have settled a little, that's a big relief. It's really nice to hear you sounding a little more positive too - I'm sure you've been working through several mountains & not giving yourself credit for it! I know you've been through heaps Rebreb, but you're going to get through this & be a stronger & better person (if that's at all possible) for it, you just can't see that right now. I can't see it for myself either, every time I think I have I take 20 billion steps backwards! I r ad that you were thinking about writing out your story, I think that's a great idea, & you'd be really good at it, you're a good writer. What genre of books do you like? Maybe I can suggest some, I was largely thinking it might help give your mind a break at the moment if you could find a book you would enjoy. I definitely think your mind does still need a break, I know you need to work through things but you need to do that slowly & you still need time off throughout the process. Also do you like gardening? I suck at gardening - I kill things people say are impossible to kill! Although, sometimes I've been able to grow things people have told me it would be impossible to grow!! Also do you have any interest in art? I know all of these things are not on your mind right now (mine neither), but I wonder, if some of them could be in your mind (even if only for a little bit of time in a week) maybe it would help. I remember you said you like nice things, what sort of things. Obviously, only answer what you feel comfortable answering, or disregard all of this as rambling, I do that a lot! Must importantly how are you today? I love hearing from you too, & would like to read about anything you would like to talk about. I hope you continue to keep feeling a little better, I'm going to keep trying hard - I just put all these super healthy smoothie bags in the freezer (I know it sounds ridiculous!) but I'll let you know how I go - particularly if they're even consumable or totally revolting! Take care of you, sending you huge hugs & lots of love (ps, I've stopped myself from re-reading this so apologise for any typos!) xXx
 

Rebreb

Well-Known Member
#23
Oh thank you Rebreb, you really are very sweet you know! I'm so sorry I scared you yesterday. It had been a long week & when i got bubby home from daycare & first changed his nappy he has huge blisters, they were actually bleeding, & incredibly painful for him (changing his nappy today has been a nightmare) & they weren't there when I dropped him at daycare that morning, so I just don't know what has happened. Anyway, finding him like that at the end of a long week, I completely over reacted - I felt so guilty that he was experiencing that pain as a direct result of my actions, which I know (when my mind is behaving) is a bit unrealistic but I was also exhausted & have been so down on myself lately (as you know).

I've had a better day today, I've become very bad at eating because I associate it with so much pain. Over the last 6+ years I have been diagnosed with coeliac, lactose intolerance, chronic gastritis & IBS, all prior to falling pregnant, & as you know I had a really rough pregnancy. I think all of that has wiped me out & I've lost a bit of fight in the last few months. I know I've not got it anywhere near as bad as others in this world, but even that upsets me at the moment, then I get really angry with myself for being so pathetic. I'm absolutely hopeless at talking about things too - I just lock it all away (lost memories & all of that, I know you're familiar with all of this). These days if I stay in the bedroom by myself for longer than 15 mins hubby comes & checks on me, in my mind that gives me even more ammunition to be pissed off with myself (& I know why he does it, & that he's right to check, I just feel like such a selfish & nasty person to put him through that - I'm very lucky he comes & checks really, so again need to stop being an idiot). Anyway, it's a cycle at the moment, you get the picture. It's funny how much easier it feels writing some of this - need to make sure I don't re-read it though. I do that & then get pissed off with myself for being an idiot & delete it all.

Anyway, we've started a meal plan today to try & make a start at changing some of this, then on top of that hopefully the naturopath will further help. Fingers crossed all this effort doesn't go to waste. I think if I can get a handle on my health other things (hopefully my feelings) will fall into place.

I'm so glad to hear your flashbacks have settled a little, that's a big relief. It's really nice to hear you sounding a little more positive too - I'm sure you've been working through several mountains & not giving yourself credit for it! I know you've been through heaps Rebreb, but you're going to get through this & be a stronger & better person (if that's at all possible) for it, you just can't see that right now. I can't see it for myself either, every time I think I have I take 20 billion steps backwards! I r ad that you were thinking about writing out your story, I think that's a great idea, & you'd be really good at it, you're a good writer. What genre of books do you like? Maybe I can suggest some, I was largely thinking it might help give your mind a break at the moment if you could find a book you would enjoy. I definitely think your mind does still need a break, I know you need to work through things but you need to do that slowly & you still need time off throughout the process. Also do you like gardening? I suck at gardening - I kill things people say are impossible to kill! Although, sometimes I've been able to grow things people have told me it would be impossible to grow!! Also do you have any interest in art? I know all of these things are not on your mind right now (mine neither), but I wonder, if some of them could be in your mind (even if only for a little bit of time in a week) maybe it would help. I remember you said you like nice things, what sort of things. Obviously, only answer what you feel comfortable answering, or disregard all of this as rambling, I do that a lot! Must importantly how are you today? I love hearing from you too, & would like to read about anything you would like to talk about. I hope you continue to keep feeling a little better, I'm going to keep trying hard - I just put all these super healthy smoothie bags in the freezer (I know it sounds ridiculous!) but I'll let you know how I go - particularly if they're even consumable or totally revolting! Take care of you, sending you huge hugs & lots of love (ps, I've stopped myself from re-reading this so apologise for any typos!) xXx
Aw your poor baby, I hope he's healing and it's certainly not your fault!! I can't imagine why that would happen and it breaks my heart that you would blame yourself.
I don't feel super talkative these days, just generally burnt out emotionally but yes I love reading and art and should probably dive into both as being on the Internet is no life and maybe I can learn something instead of just wasting time. I know I'm being hard on myself these days but I really do feel responsible for everything that's happened in my life and the shame is like a million bricks on my heart and weights on my ankles. I just found out that my kitty ran out of food three days ago and I didn't check my email so I feel awful about that. Just guilt after guilt especially being in my parents home and they are such honest and caring people. They would be gutted to know what a trail of destruction I have left in the wake of my bad choices. Anyway this is depressing when really I want to send you some love! I'll leave you with some Rumi, he has more uplifting things to say:

"Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?"

"When you go through a hard period,
When everything seems to oppose you,
When you feel you can not bear one more minute,
NEVER GIVE UP!
Because it is the time and place that the course will divert!"

"Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure."

"What matters is how quickly you do what your soul directs."
 

HannahH

Active Member
#24
That's a brilliant quote Rebreb, we all need to try & remember it every now & then I think. I hope you can find the space in your head & heart to dive back into art & reading, with time hopefully you'll find some happiness in them too, or calmness at least for now.

Daycare weren't very forthcoming with why his bottom was in such a mess, which was no surprise. Thankfully I've managed to get it cleared up now - I may as well of used a trowel to apply the dermeze this last week! Unfortunately, after a week without antibiotics his ear infections have flared up seriously again, so he's not in daycare & I'm off of work looking after him again for now - at least I know his bum'll be in good nick for a while!! Although it's looking more & more likely that they're going to put him in surgery for the grommets despite all our efforts to avoid it, the infections just aren't clearing.

With regards to your kitty, don't be too hard on yourself about forgetting food for a few days - cats are very self-sufficient, capable creatures. They can also be pretty fickle, after a few more feeds all will be forgiven! I have two cats, & when it comes to food, they'll forgive & forget plenty of things!! Have you read TS Eliot's old possum's book of practical cats? It's an enjoyable read if you haven't heard of it (although I think that's unlikely!).

Please stop feeling guilty, it sounds like your parents wouldn't be disappointed or love you any less if they did know everything. They'd just be very concerned for your wellbeing. Speaking as a parent (albeit quite a new one!) I know I would just want to help, & from how you've described them I think they would feel the same. I'm not surprised you feel emotionally drained, honestly, all I can say to that is me too. Please keep fighting, you're doing so well, especially to know the flashbacks have settled. Keep giving yourself time & kindness remember, stop being hard on yourself & allow yourself to feel. I hope you continue to feel better, & can feel more forgiving towards yourself.

A little TS Elliot seems like a good way to go...

"Before a cat will condescend to treat you as a trusted friend,
Some little token of esteem...
Is needed, like a dish of cream;
& you might now & then supply...
Some caviare, or Strassburg Pie,
some potted grouse, or salmon paste -
He's sure to have his personal taste.
(I know a cat, who makes a habit
Of eating nothing else but rabbit,
& when he's finished, licks his paws,
So's not to waste the onion sauce.)
A cats entitled to expect these evidences of respect.
& so in time you reach your aim,
& finally call him by his name."

Take care, sending you big hugs! xXx
 

HannahH

Active Member
#26
Hi Innocent Forever,

A belated thank you for your warm welcome. It is much appreciated, I need all the strength I can get for now. I hope I get to talk to you sometime and that you are well and feeling strong.

Take care
 

Sassy Cat

SF hugger
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#27
Hi Hannah huge I hope you are doing okay. I know you are struggling hugs hope to see you again in chat soon you can always message me if you need to talk
 

HannahH

Active Member
#28
Hi Sassy,

My husband brought home some medicine for me yesterday afternoon & I've managed to keep down some hydrolites & a little bit of rice, & had some sleep since then. So feeling better than I was, my stomach's just painful now & I'm still feeling exhausted but that's pretty good for me these days!!

Thank you so much for your concern & kindness, it was lovely talking to you in chat yesterday. I don't go in too often because my phone is very slow so I don't always get all of the messages everyone has written & struggle to follow the conversation!

How are you going? It sounds like you're also doing it pretty tough at the moment. I hope things get better for you quickly, & like wise - you're welcome to get in touch whenever you want or need to talk to someone.

Take care & hope to speak again soon! ❤️ Sending big hugs! xXx
 

Rebreb

Well-Known Member
#29
Hi Sassy,

My husband brought home some medicine for me yesterday afternoon & I've managed to keep down some hydrolites & a little bit of rice, & had some sleep since then. So feeling better than I was, my stomach's just painful now & I'm still feeling exhausted but that's pretty good for me these days!!

Thank you so much for your concern & kindness, it was lovely talking to you in chat yesterday. I don't go in too often because my phone is very slow so I don't always get all of the messages everyone has written & struggle to follow the conversation!

How are you going? It sounds like you're also doing it pretty tough at the moment. I hope things get better for you quickly, & like wise - you're welcome to get in touch whenever you want or need to talk to someone.

Take care & hope to speak again soon! ❤️ Sending big hugs! xXx
I agree with Sassy, it was such a nice surprise to see you. I've not been as active in the forums lately so I like catching up there. If you have a computer or a tablet it is easier to be in chat for sure. xxx love to you
 

HannahH

Active Member
#30
Hi Rebreb,

I'm so glad I could give you a nice surprise, can't think of anyone more deserving & in need of it. I hope you are going ok today. It was also lovely talking to you in chat, just wish my phone worked better - will take your advice & try on my laptop next time.

I'm being forced to eat something now, which I'm not happy or excited about but don't have any choice, like so many other things eh! So have to go but hope to catch up with you again soon.

Take care, sending love & bear hugs back to you! ❤️ xXx
 

Rebreb

Well-Known Member
#31
Hi Rebreb,

I'm so glad I could give you a nice surprise, can't think of anyone more deserving & in need of it. I hope you are going ok today. It was also lovely talking to you in chat, just wish my phone worked better - will take your advice & try on my laptop next time.

I'm being forced to eat something now, which I'm not happy or excited about but don't have any choice, like so many other things eh! So have to go but hope to catch up with you again soon.

Take care, sending love & bear hugs back to you! ❤️ xXx
Thanks for the bear hugs, sending you some kitten snuggles and hoping the food sits okay. See you in chat again soon I hope, I'll teach you all the bodily function emojis. :P

I'm okay right now just up late! Going to sleep now zzzzz talk soon
 

HannahH

Active Member
#32
Hi Rebreb,

Hope you got plenty of sleep & are still feeling ok. He, he... those emojis are definitely the ones for me!

Thankfully I have been able to keep food down this week & have ditched a lot of the advice the naturopath gave me! Although still continuing our never ending cycle, bubby's got foot & mouth from daycare - I've given up, I don't think this "bad" run is a run anymore, seems like it's just a forever!

Hope I see you in chat sometime over the weekend, it's the easiest time for me to ge there. Make sure you are looking after & loving yourself please! Sending kitten snuggles, bear hugs & puppy love right back to you! ❤️ xXx
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$70.00
Goal
$255.00
Top