Hi :)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cornishgirl, Apr 19, 2007.

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  1. Cornishgirl

    Cornishgirl Member

    Hi everyone.

    Im sure you've heard this before but it took a lot for me to actually register on here. I dont even know whether I 'qualify' to be here.

    I haven't had anything horrendous happen to me, I've got friends and family who care about me. Still I just cannot stop thinking about how utterly pointless everything is, all this struggling on through life making out like everythings ok when its not. I can't really explain how I feel, painfully sad and everyday crying so hard I feel like my ribs are going to break. The only thing thats happened which I can put down to feeling like this is the fact that I dont have a job and I cannot get a job. The place where I was working closed down in December and I decided to start applying for jobs which would use my degree, jobs that I actually wanted to do. I've had 2 interviews in 4 months and didnt get either of those. I've had to move back in with my parents which after 3 years of living independently Im finding really hard. And I know that they are embarrassed to tell people that they're 22 year old daughter is unemployed and still living at home. Im embarrassed too.

    But even if I did get a job/flat I cant see my feelings changing-this is all so pointless. Thank you to everyone who just took the time to read this!
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    There is no 'qualification' to be here. As long as you are not intending to troll the site (and I can already tell from your post that you are not a troll) then everyone and anyone is welcome. We don't just have people here that feel bad, for whatever reason, we have people here that come to help, or understand, or grieving people who have lost loved ones to suicide and many others. If you want to be here, feel safe here or whatever, then you are more than welcome :)

    Welcome to the site :) (I know I should have said that first, but hey, nevermind).

    Have you been to the doctors about how you feel? It might be related to your work, but it could also be a chemical imbalance that has no mental reason but than a physical reason. If you could go to the doctor they would open up a world of support and choices that could help you greatly.

    I can relate to the whole not hvaing job, moving back home, etc. It sucks, but try to not put yourself down for it. Could you use this time to maybe train to do something? Find a focus or a passion and maybe try to work towards doing something related to that?

    Hang in there honey
  3. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Theres no prerequisite to being a member here. I dont think it has to do with your job. Do you have somebody close to you like a b/f?
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum. :hug:
  5. Cornishgirl

    Cornishgirl Member

    Wow thank you. I really didn't think anyone would reply. And Scum I can assure you I'm not here to 'troll' the site because I have absolutely no idea what that means!

    The thing is I graduated last summer and then just worked in a shop for a few months. My aim was to eventually be a clinical psychologist (ironic considering how I'm feeling lately) so I need to get some practical experience working with people but nobody seems to want me. I've applied to do some volunteer work but its taking ages to sort out. And even with all this I feel like I'm just doing it because its whats expected of me. I don't really want to be doing it. Theres nothing I actually want to do except die. That sounds so melodramatic when I type it 'out loud' but it is true.

    No I dont have a boyfriend, which is prob for the best really. But thank you again everyone for reading this and not judging me-its nice to get advice from people who don't really know me xx
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    lol that bit about trolling made me laugh. They are basically people that go to a website to cause general chaos. They are not overly nice, and I could instantly tell from your post that you are here for a genuine reason :) So don't worry about that.

    Aside from die, if you could do anything in your life, what would you do? Anything at all. What would you like to do?

    If you feel you are doing what you are doing, for someone else, it will be you that suffers. Really, those that care about you should want you to be happy doing what you want to do.

    Will you consider going to the doctors?
  7. Cornishgirl

    Cornishgirl Member

    I'll certainly think about it Scum. I mean it took a lot for me to register on here so it will take some guts to go the doctor. I just don't want to make a big deal out of it, I know there are people out there a lot worse off than I am.

    The thing is I do want to be a clinical psychologist, I have done since I was about 15. But its just because I've not had any experience other than my degree I feel like employers are just looking at my CV and seeing shop work after shop work and thinking 'why is she even applying'. Plus, where I live is very tiny and any job I get would involve moving away (which is fine) but I cant afford to move away-I've got zero money. Which is another thing keeping me awake. I just feel like such a drain on my parents. I was always the 'brainy' one who was gonna be a big success and now look at me. I can't believe this is how my life has turned out and its nobodies fault but my own and I can't see a way of making it better. And then I think why should I try and make it better-I just want it to stop.

    God sorry, ramble ramble ramble. Once I pop I can't stop!
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Just take baby steps with regards to the docs honey. You could start by writing down all your symptoms, that is a good start to realising that you have a problem, and also taken a written down list can help a doctor see what is going on, and you won't forget anything.

    Going to the doctors is not making a big deal out of it, it is acknowledging a problem and starting to work towards making it better.

    If being a clinical psychologist is what you want to do, then try to find the enjoyment in it, as opposed to feeling like you have to. Have you tried helping on crisis lines? Drop in centres? Maybe support groups? Anything like that?

    Your life has not turned out like this, you are just having a bumpy ride at the moment, but it won't be like this forever. But you have to make a step to make it better. You say you can't see a way of making it better? Well a good step is to go to the docs because they can help with your mental state which will help you feel more motivated and positive about job opportunities.

    Try not to look at the whole picture, try to look at manageable amounts. Take bite size chunks and it won't seem to daunting, it will seem more achievable and less scary.
  9. Cornishgirl

    Cornishgirl Member

    Thank you. You're really kind Scum. Yea I've applied for this befriending scheme with MIND, but it seems to be taking ages to sort out (all the checks and things). I just feel a bit hypocritical applying to do something like that when I feel so so sad. Its the constant sadness thats getting to me. Its like nothing can make me smile anymore which is really scary.

    In all honesty the only thing thats stopped me ending things is thinking about my mum finding me. I can't bear the thought of her coming home from work as if everythings normal and opening my door to see me, well you know. I thought about maybe putting a note on my door telling her what Iv done and asking her not to open the door but I know she would.

    Anyway Im gonna stop talking about myself now, I didnt realise I had so much to say! But seriously thank you for taking the time to reply and I will consider the doctors.
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's good to talk about yourself :)

    As well sa MIND, there are things like the samaritans, saneline, citizens advice bureau, anything like that.

    You never know, helping others might help you feel better too. And yes, that sadness is typical of depression, and that is soemthing that you need help with. But if you refuse the doctors, exercise can release endorphins that can make you feel more positive and happier, so maybe start jogging, or skipping, or hoovering, or anything that gives you physical exercise.

    It's good that you are using your mum to keep you alive. Somewhere inside of you you are still fighting, which is terrific. and you need to use that fight to get yourself help. Could you maybe ask your mum to come to the doctors with you? I always take mine.

    Just a thought.

    Take care of yourself.
  11. Cornishgirl

    Cornishgirl Member

    The thing is its not like my mum and I are close like that. She once told me she doesn't 'believe in depression'. She's embarrassed of me and thinks Im just being miserable. I just meant I wouldn't want anyone to find me like that and I know she would be the one to find me. I can't do that to anyone Im close to.

    This is a great site though, it feels better to tell all this to an actual person/people rather than writing it down in a diary or keeping it in my head.
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