Hi

[ceruleanbird88]

Nice to meet you guys.

I'm a 32 year old foreign language teacher. I'm not even sure of how to introduce myself, I've never openly talked about my suicidal thoughts...they used to come and go, just a glimpse or a shadow of a thought sometimes. It's gotten much worse since the beginning of 2020, so here I am.

I found this place while looking for different ways to do it even though I kind of already have one in mind, I just wasn't sure if it would've been effective or not and to be quite fair I don't want to survive and like everybody else, I'd like it to be painless. Pretty sure people here might have read stuff like this countless times so I apologize.

It feels weird and silly from a logical standpoint to even be here if I'm really willing to go through with it, I'm not sure what that makes me. Maybe I'm weak and a coward...my religious background has done a lot in stopping me before but it's gotten so, so hard. I'm really scared but at the same time I see no way out. So maybe there's someone out there who's been here before? I know I'm supposed to figure things out for myself but I truly wish someone would tell me what to do. I can't do this anymore.

 

[Gingerxxx]

Hi nice to meet you,
I unfortunately do not have the answers but I do know that you shouldn't have to figure out your head by yourself and your far from a coward, its really hard to talk about your mental state and why you might want to die. I hope you find support here to try your best, because thats all we can ask of each other.

 

[may71]

Hello and welcome to SF @ceruleanbird88

I'm really scared but at the same time I see no way out

The thing that all suicidal people have in common is not seeing any way out but death. Usually there is a way for things to get better though, at least so that you feel glad to be alive.

I know I'm supposed to figure things out for myself

You don't have to just figure things out for yourself. It's ok to get help.

I truly wish someone would tell me what to do

I can try to help. Do you want to say more about why you are feeling this way?

 

[Sad Elf]

Hi,

welcome to the forum.

For me the forum has helped me to figure stuff out in my head, and it's such a relief to have people to talk to who have similar feelings.

I hope you find the site does the same for you
Elf

 

[Holding my breath]

Hi @ceruleanbird88 Firstly welcome to the forum. Good to have a fellow teacher on board. Do you want to share a little more as to what happened to get you to this point? I can understand how things have got worse recently but we don’t find ourselves in this dark place over night. There is usually a long decline before hitting rock bottom so it is understandable that it will be a long journey back out again. But talking on hear and asking for support is the first step. Keep sharing, keep talking and I hope you find some solace amongst people who understand what you are going through. Xx

 

[Dwight]

The thing that has always amazed me about SF is that even when someone is feeling REALLY down themselves, they step right up to help someone else get propped up. I know for a fact that @Holding my breath is going through a rough patch right now, and yet she steps right up to offer support to a new member list @ceruleanbird88. never ceases to amaze me. I know that when I'm feeling my lowest, it helps me to jump in here and make some comments & offer to listen to someone else. Read a story or two of someone else suffering like me, and like magic, I start feeling myself lifted up. This forum is a godsend to all of us, and I hope we never "go away"...or better yet, that ALL of us can journey away together, helped & healed by each other...

 

[Holding my breath]

The thing that has always amazed me about SF is that even when someone is feeling REALLY down themselves, they step right up to help someone else get propped up. I know for a fact that @Holding my breath is going through a rough patch right now, and yet she steps right up to offer support to a new member list @ceruleanbird88. never ceases to amaze me. I know that when I'm feeling my lowest, it helps me to jump in here and make some comments & offer to listen to someone else. Read a story or two of someone else suffering like me, and like magic, I start feeling myself lifted up. This forum is a godsend to all of us, and I hope we never "go away"...or better yet, that ALL of us can journey away together, helped & healed by each other...

 

[Sunspots]

Hi @ceruleanbird88 and welcome to SF. I'm sorry things feel so bad right now but I'm glad you found us.

So maybe there's someone out there who's been here before?

I think the vast majority of people here have been where you are. It's the most unbearable feeling. After decades of thinking about it I finally made an attempt four years ago. I knew with 100% certainty that things would never get any better for me. It was a painless and foolproof method, I'd done my research. So when I woke up in hospital I was mightily pissed off. Turns out foolproof and painless doesn't work. And of course, everybody knew what I'd done which made things a whole lot worse. But it made me get help. I had no choice but to talk to people about it. And here I am a few years down the line and I'm so grateful that I'm still here.

I'm not alone. There are countless people like me, feeling hope where there was none before. Finding courage, confidence and strength that we never thought we were capable of.

Reaching out here is a really great first step. There are so many amazing people here who you now have for support. You're not alone.

 

[ceruleanbird88]

Hi nice to meet you,
I unfortunately do not have the answers but I do know that you shouldn't have to figure out your head by yourself and your far from a coward, its really hard to talk about your mental state and why you might want to die. I hope you find support here to try your best, because thats all we can ask of each other.

My family kind of has a story of mental issues. From my dad's side I'm sure there's depression...from my mom's side I can say growing up watching her suffer while caring for my schizophrenic aunt didn't help. I grew up thinking I have to be dependable at all times otherwise I'm dead weight. My dad taught me that I shouldn't take risks if I can't afford them, so being useful is the only thing I know.

I think that's where the idea that I'm supposed to figure things out for myself came from. "Don't cause people problems, they already have enough"
I've been doing it for so long that I don't know how to change.

Hello and welcome to SF @ceruleanbird88

The thing that all suicidal people have in common is not seeing any way out but death. Usually there is a way for things to get better though, at least so that you feel glad to be alive.

You don't have to just figure things out for yourself. It's ok to get help.

I can try to help. Do you want to say more about why you are feeling this way?

It's weird how our brains fully understand things because they make perfect sense and yet emotions feel like a completely different territory. Everything you say makes perfect sense to me and yet even if I see some improvement in the future I still feel like it would be useless. My mindset is so strong on me being empty and unwanted due to such emptiness that it would be wasted.

I opened a thread talking a bit more about my whole situation...I'll try to link it here, it'd be better than slamming this one with a wall of text I guess.

But having people to talk to about it really helps, so you're already great help just by being patient enough to read and talk, so thank you.

Hi @ceruleanbird88 Firstly welcome to the forum. Good to have a fellow teacher on board. Do you want to share a little more as to what happened to get you to this point? I can understand how things have got worse recently but we don’t find ourselves in this dark place over night. There is usually a long decline before hitting rock bottom so it is understandable that it will be a long journey back out again. But talking on hear and asking for support is the first step. Keep sharing, keep talking and I hope you find some solace amongst people who understand what you are going through. Xx

It is a very slow burn thing...as a teenager I never really noticed how mechanic my decisions were. I had this brief moment of crisis when the time to choose my major came along and then I just chose something that I thought would make things financially easier on my family, and guess what? People were happy so I kept on doing it. I worked and studied, attended 2 colleges at the same time(don't ask me how I did it, but somehow I managed to do it for 3 years), interestingly enough I could never graduate, I could never write my thesis. To this day I still can't, not sure if it's because I hated both my majors or simply because choosing what I chose to study was more out of obligation than wanting to actually go to college. With languages I can manage because I'm kind of good at it so I keep doing it, not particular reason behind it.

After years of pushing through with insane work schedules and routine, I had some sort of epiphany after this recent trip overseas and all of the in between moments in which I would contemplate how lonely I felt just came all at once.

I'm 32, single and I have accomplished nothing in life. I can be competent, well-behaved, resourceful but that's it. My isolation has resulted not only in loneliness but in this feeling that I'm incomplete, there's not even a purpose for me to be here...it's always been there but it's gotten much, much worse.

 

[ceruleanbird88]

Hi,

welcome to the forum.

For me the forum has helped me to figure stuff out in my head, and it's such a relief to have people to talk to who have similar feelings.

I hope you find the site does the same for you
Elf

I've been discovering that too. It's soothing to at least know that you won't be suddenly measured by how far off the deep end you are. I know people mean well when you reach out but I can't help but think there's something that breaks between two people as soon as the idea of ending one's life comes into the conversation.

Not that I think every case is like that but it feels like taboo, this line that no one's supposed to cross even though lots of people with depression face such thoughts at least once.

The thing that has always amazed me about SF is that even when someone is feeling REALLY down themselves, they step right up to help someone else get propped up. I know for a fact that @Holding my breath is going through a rough patch right now, and yet she steps right up to offer support to a new member list @ceruleanbird88. never ceases to amaze me. I know that when I'm feeling my lowest, it helps me to jump in here and make some comments & offer to listen to someone else. Read a story or two of someone else suffering like me, and like magic, I start feeling myself lifted up. This forum is a godsend to all of us, and I hope we never "go away"...or better yet, that ALL of us can journey away together, helped & healed by each other...

I hope to at least feel less suffocated and desperate, and talking here helps me get perspective. Maybe someday I'll be able to be someone's source of strenght even if just a little. I used to be good at it, being strong for others...I ran out of it, I think.

This forum feels nice and welcoming, I understand what you mean completely.

Hi @ceruleanbird88 and welcome to SF. I'm sorry things feel so bad right now but I'm glad you found us.


I think the vast majority of people here have been where you are. It's the most unbearable feeling. After decades of thinking about it I finally made an attempt four years ago. I knew with 100% certainty that things would never get any better for me. It was a painless and foolproof method, I'd done my research. So when I woke up in hospital I was mightily pissed off. Turns out foolproof and painless doesn't work. And of course, everybody knew what I'd done which made things a whole lot worse. But it made me get help. I had no choice but to talk to people about it. And here I am a few years down the line and I'm so grateful that I'm still here.

I'm not alone. There are countless people like me, feeling hope where there was none before. Finding courage, confidence and strength that we never thought we were capable of.

Reaching out here is a really great first step. There are so many amazing people here who you now have for support. You're not alone.

While looking things up I did read something similar to what you just said, that there's not foolproof and painless way. And having a more religious background surely plays its part in adding to the fact that it's never truly painless, not for me or for the ones who stay behind.

It used to be enough to bring me back from such thoughts but now honestly, I came to the realization that people die and then life goes on. Would it really make any difference? Even for my loved ones...their lives would go on without me. It's the kind of thing that started creeping into my thoughts and now here I am, I lost my only dream in life after so long and my head is full of miserable thoughts.

 

[ceruleanbird88]

Sorry about all of my typos btw

 

[may71]

It's weird how our brains fully understand things because they make perfect sense and yet emotions feel like a completely different territory. Everything you say makes perfect sense to me and yet even if I see some improvement in the future I still feel like it would be useless.

Yeah, I know what you're saying about emotions. Maybe just like your trip gave you an epiphany about life, there could be some kind of emotional epiphany too.

thank you

You're welcome!

 

[KindaOtiose]

Hi @ceruleanbird88, welcome to the forums, we're glad to have you here. This forum is a great place to share how you're feeling and find any empathy or advice you need.

I'm sorry to hear you are in such a bad place right now. There are a lot of people here who are feeling a similar way to you, and even a lot of people who arrived here the same way as you, so hopefully that can offer you some solace.

Stay safe. Sending hugs .

 

[ceruleanbird88]

Hi @ceruleanbird88, welcome to the forums, we're glad to have you here. This forum is a great place to share how you're feeling and find any empathy or advice you need.

I'm sorry to hear you are in such a bad place right now. There are a lot of people here who are feeling a similar way to you, and even a lot of people who arrived here the same way as you, so hopefully that can offer you some solace.

Stay safe. Sending hugs .

Thank you, I think loneliness plays a huge role in feeling like this so companionship of any kind is always welcome.