Hi...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sopostmodernn, May 7, 2007.

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  1. sopostmodernn

    sopostmodernn New Member

    Well...I am unsure how to start. Im 16, I live on Long Island, am bi, vegetarian, I like languages, and am not too good at sports....

    Well...I guess it kind of starts in the seventh grade...my three friends...Kris, Liam, and Koralynn kind of stopped talking to me. A lot of people would make fun of me...Im Alex by the way. It felt that for everyone that didn't like me, they'd tell their friends, who wouldn't even get to know me, and they'd tell their friends and so on...to the point where in the middle of the year, nobody would have lunch with me. Throughout middleschool I didn't eat the lunch and would just read by a tree during recess, but I always wished that one of the other kinds would come over and ask me to join them...but anyone who paid me attention preferred to make fun of me...

    Now its my sophmore year in High School, and I am in a really bad situation. Well, I used to be friends with a girl named Britton, but it turned out I was a joke to her and her friend Kenny. It started when I invited my friend Kristen over, and this fucking junkie Andrew(who stabbed me in the back after I tried to talk to him and help him about his opiate addiction), and she invited Kenny and told me, but this was at my house and she didn't tell me to that day. He made a huge mess and wrecked a lot of stuff(Kenny), and we were all drinking, and he tried to lock me out of my house. So I hit him. I was drunk....so I wasn't extremely bright at the moment, but he wouldn't let it go. So the following week, he dismantled what I though was my friendship with Britton. Hes better friends with Kristen than I...so I have to hide my feelings when Im around both of them...

    Britton really was my only friend I had since 6th grade....it hurt how she and Kenny one time just took my books from the table and moved it...when I asked them where it was...they said this 9th grader took them, and Britton laughed.

    So...now my pretty much my only friend is Kristen..but her girlfriend Sarah makes it hard to exist. Sarah decided to be mean to me this year, and whenever she sees me she'll just call me a fag or a dumbass or something...just for existing. It really hurts, because Kristen says to just ignore it, though a lot of the time she does tell her to stop. But ...well my dad hits me a lot...and like...I don't know if this makes sense but I don't want to let her get away with it....because I know I can't do anything about my dad but I can get revenge on Sarah.

    Well today we were going to do that. I was angry because when Kristen walked away from Sarah I followed her, having said nothing while they were talking save looking at my converse...when I followed her she said go wit your retarded friend whatever! I said I wanted to dump gatorade or something on her...and Kristen encouraged me...so we bought a gatorade and we all spit in it...I was going to spray her after 7th period but I quit cause I didn't think getting in trouble was worth it....

    What hurt a lot was how Kristen ran to warn Sarah...I felt betrayed. I try to be the best friend possible and she went and sided with Sarah...and I don't want to act like a martyr, but in reality I have no clue what I did to antagonize her.

    It all feels so hopeless to me...I dont know...I miss Britton, I hate Sarah for making me cry, I hate all the jocks at my school that make fun of me, I hate some of my teachers that just watch as people call me a fag and don't do anything....I am so full of anger...and that makes me sad...I don't know what to do.

    My dream is to go to Berkeley in California to study languages and maybe major in International Politics...but I fear sometimes I am not strong enough to get to that. Moreover, all the teasing and bullying makes thinking hard, and my school grades dropped. Whenever I go to tell my guidanmce counselor about a guy making fun of me, another Lacrosse member or football player replaces them...and after a while they tell me its all in my head and get sick of listening to me...but they still make fun of me. This year, I remember 6 guys came around when I was sitting alone at lunch and just asked me a million questions all at the same time, what was the book I was reading how many times did I fuck a guy whats it like for god to hate you....it was really hard to get through that day....

    I don't know what I will do. I feel that my only friendship is going to end soon because of Sarah, I miss Britton even though she treated me like shit, everyone still hates me, and a lot of the faculty just is annoyed at me and my guidance counselor in the 7th grade actually told me that I just had to work it out myself because I had too many people and she said 'nobody can have so many people hate them'.

    I don't know if it's hatred or their form of amusement...but I do...whats wrong with me?

    -Alex
     
  2. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Alex~

    First off, welcome to SF! :hug:

    Reading through your interests, it's clear to me that you aren't just an average individual. The love of languages...very special. I myself am an aspiring linguist! :laugh:
    What is so 'wrong' about you is your uniqueness; a lot of people don't know how to react to it so they opt for trying to poke fun at you. I can relate...I've had one heck of a lot of issues at school simply because I'm a tad different...

    As for your friends...All I can say is that "girlworld" is evil and tends to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. The gossip that starts with situations like yours tend to provide amusement for many people like your acquaintances...From the little that I know about it, I find the whole situation really unacceptable, but what can you do about it...:dry:

    If you ever want to talk, my email/MSN is daughterofcicero@hotmail.com. (My SF PM is temporarily disabled...:D)
    Hang in there, and hope to catch you around the forums!
     
  3. kirstyclive

    kirstyclive Guest

    people are strange, they dont take kindly to individuality.. i was beaten up every day for 10 years because i love archaeology, speak nearly fluent german and am half irish! (i know a paddy with a brain! run!) but that is how i cope i take the mick outta myself all the time... its easier to cope when other people do that way...

    there's nothing "wrong" with you its just people often cant see beyond the end of their own noses... dont worry about your friends because true mates will come round eventually and the others aint worth breathing on so dont worry... everyone on here has felt that way at one time or another so if you ever wanna chat

    kirstymdunlop@hotmail.co.uk

    Kirsty.............
     
  4. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF Alex.

    Like syiah said, us girls arent always the nicest people.. Especially when you're around the same people at school for many years. I know this is probably one of the hardest things for you, but something that really stood out for me from what you wrote was the stuff about your dad.. have you ever told anyone about it? Do you know that it's wrong? He shouldn't hit you.. ever..

    Take care,
    If you'd ever like to talk to anyone or if you have any questions feel free to PM or email me anytime :hug:
    great to have you at SF =]
     
  5. heavenlyjunkie

    heavenlyjunkie Active Member

    Hi Alex :)
    I must say, your story makes me really sad. You come off as a very cool person who just has rotten luck. The sad thing is that virtually every school has its assholes, and its genuine people who fall victim to said assholes. I too was teased a lot in school, and it made focusing difficult. But it gets to the point where you have to learn that there are more important things than letting it get to you. These people are not the majority. I really do wish you luck, because it would be sweet to move to Cali. I'm actually saving up for a road trip there this year :D

    I hope to see you around the forum soon.
     
  6. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    Hi Alex,
    Nothing is wrong with YOU. You are an intelligent person who wants to be friends with others, especially Kirsten. That is good and admirable.

    The fault lies with the people who pick on you and reject you and betray you. Junior high school can be a really hard time. When I was in grade 7, I didn't have any friends and I was beaten up, insulted, tripped, had stuff thrown at me, and was called all sorts of cruel names. At home my Dad didn't hit me (you should call the police b/c he shouldn't be doing this to you) but my parents would often fight and it was emotionally devastating, even worse to me than what was happening in school. This also continued through grade 8 and grade 9. My teachers couldn't do anything, although I know that some of them tried.

    My advice? As cliche as this may seem, don't give up. Things may seem horrifically hopeless now, but you are a smart person and you have a dream you want to pursue (Int'l Politics). You will graduate and get out of this situation, the light may seem like a really long distance away but it IS there. You will graduate, and you will leave all of this behind. Chances are that many of the people who are being cruel to you right now will not even enter post-secondary education, you may never see them again after a few years. Easier said than done, I know. But I've been there too and your liberation WILL come!!!

    Keep on talking to people how you are feeling. I wish that a site like SF existed (or that I knew about it) when I was a teenager. I felt I had no one to talk to or support me, especially in grade 7. I almost did something very stupid that I would have eternally regretted had it worked.
    Have you considered calling TeenHelpLine? You can look them up here: http://www.teenlineonline.org/ You can call them anytime and talk to them.

    Also check out KidsHelpPhone: http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/en/

    Ignore the 'kids' word, they talk to many teenagers.

    As a student teacher, I am angry and frustrated to hear about your guidance counselor doing nothing. There are many great teachers and counselors who care and want to help, but there are the few who give us all a bad name.

    Don't give up though, talk to the teachers who you know do care. Talk to the principal or vice principal, tell him how you are being bullied and how your counsellor is obviously not doing much to help. Try to keep your friendship with Kirsten, but if she chooses to be cruel and turn against you like some of her other friends, that is a bad choice that she made. It is not your fault. She is not the be-all and end-all. I know that you (either now or later in your life) will find friends in school or university who recognize you for the smart person you are and will have a maturity level that surpasses that of the people who are being mean to you now.

    I don't know if you believe in God, but I want to tell you that He loves you. I learned this too late in my life, after more than a few depressions, suicide attempts, almost falling into following through with a horrific plan of hatred and revenge, and being temporarily blinded by a false ideology.

    Jesus suffered for you, He knows what it is like to be beaten, rejected, spit on. He was crucified for you. He came to earth to live among us and to bring hope to those others have thrown away. If people followed Him, there would be no bullying or wars or injustice. He loved His enemies, and showed us how we can make the world a better place. He promises us everlasting life in the joy and happiness of Heaven if we put our faith in Him. I wish I could say to you that in following Him you won't be bullied or hated anymore, but it's not true. But HE will help you pull through, even in the darkest days. If it wasnn't for Him, I would be already dead.

    I'm really glad you came here. There are many people here who care about you and can relate to what you are going through. Keep fighting, and don't give in. You WILL MAKE IT and you WILL SEE BETTER DAYS.

    If you want to contact me personally , my email is holyspiritrocks@hotmail.com If you don't feel comfortable doing that, that's OK. You can always post here and I will do my best to reply as soon as I can.

    Take care, Alex. I look forward to hearing from you again.

    Cristo Vive!
    - Tomasz
     
  7. LucyLou

    LucyLou Member

    Hi Alex...

    Sounds like your having a tough time at school *hugs*. I was just wondering if there was any way that you could change school. Maybe thats something you can look into.

    Im sorry to hear about your dad, i can understand what its like to have a violent dad as my dad is one also. What is the relationship like with your mum, are you close? It might do you some good to stay with some other family prehaps a grandparent as i imagine talking from my own experinces that homelife can pull you down and often make things at school etc seem worse and also ur feelings worse. Getting away from this will help you to have a clearer head and concentrate on the positive things in life.

    I hope things get better for you soon
     
  8. sopostmodernn

    sopostmodernn New Member

    Thank you all so much...I am not really good at putting my feelings into words, but ...it feels so good to know that there are people that actually care. So many times, I would think that all humans were generally apathetic to eachother...sad, I know, but in school I didn't really see much of anything else.

    @Syiah

    Yay :] Other linguists. Sometimes I feel so wierd....Britton used to say I was wierd for bringing a book on a different language every day of the week. If I'm not sane, at least I'm in good company ^^.

    I don't really know much about socializing with boys or girls...I mean...I guess this doesn't make sense but I went through three years without socializing with much anyone...so a lot of times people say I act strange, and a lot of the time it is because I try so hard to please them because I don't know what to do. I am more comfortable with girls though...in the last year, I never really had a male friend but I did have a relationship with one and that ended sour, and most of the people that would make fun of me were male so I kind of hate my own gender :/

    @kirsty

    heh, Im Irish myself, well, my grandma is, off the boat from Mooncoin, Kilkenny County. I know nothing of German, but my Turkish is pretty decent. I never got beat up...maybe once or twice, but not regularly...and I'm sorry you went through that. Sometimes I wish it was physical, because the people who would pick on me kind of messed me up psychologically...they would act nice to me...but in a joking manner...and invite me to sit with them but I now realize I was just the end of everyones jokes...I constantly couldn't figure out if they were genuinely making fun of me or had benign intent.

    @allo

    I really cant...well..say anything about it. You see, my parents divorced when I was in the 7th grade, and my mother lives in Center Moriches(heh nothing to you prolly but a town), and my father in Speonk. Speonk is in my schools district but Center Moriches is not...and I couldn't bear to start over in a new school, which would probablly happen if I really told anyone. My dad denies it anyways...everyone in my family thinks I'm wierd and that I am a liar...it makes me kinda upset because they assume just because I'm 16 I lie and that my father is incapable of doing so.

    I know it's wrong...but sometimes I just get confused. I usually hold strong to my values; I recycle a lot and refrain from eating meat, although yesterday my mother made me or she said she thought I was anorexic, and I never ever am mean to somebody unless they already act towards me in a bad manner. When I drink or if I smoke, I never drive or would do something to endanger somebody. Then you have my father who drinks and drives, hits people, is against civil rights, and is an overall bigot, and well, he gets off scott free. He just came back from the Bahamas. Its like...if its so wrong why would this happen? I know it isn't logical but...I guess thats my more emotional thinking.

    @heavenly

    Thanks. I know that most schools would...but...I just feel overwhelmed. Its like everyone goes out of their way to make fun of me. I know this isn't true, but it just is like, sometimes, people I never met make fun of me. I remember when Britton kicked me from the table, I sat alone this one day, and two entire tables kept making fun of me, and all I did was reading. Its like...It just makes me feel really invaluable.

    @Tomasz

    I just can't. At my school, when you're made fun of, and it continues, the principals and counselers get frustrated with you very quickly, and sooner or later they say you imagine it all or you are too sensitive or you need to work things out for yourself. Not to mention lots of teachers don't like me because...well...sometimes I just get angry at the school. Its like, if a kid comes up to me and punches me and I punch him back, and I win the fight, Im in just as much trouble as him. My personal philosophy is that trying to cause unhappiness in somebody is the greatest evil, and I don't think that that particular policy is fair, because I didn't do anything wrong, I just defended myself. It ultimately just ends to my frustration.

    BTW, are you Hungarian? ^^

    @Lucy

    Well, I might go to California....but...I just feel that I do have hope with Kristen. The other night, she stayed up for three hours telling Sarah to stop it. And ...nobody ever did that for me before. I never knew anyone or had a friend that would take my side and defend me...it made me feel really better. I don't know, but I feel like I'm making some progress, even if it is just one friend.

    I am pretty close with my mom. She means a lot to me. When my dad and her divorced, we moved in with her boyfriend(well...not that she cheated...she met him after the divorce). He and I didn't get along, and he yelled at me a lot, so my mom got a second job and bought our home for us. I feel guilty about that a lot, because I know she wouldn't be so tired if I just moved in fulltime with my father. But I love her and she supports me in every way.

    I also feel bad because I think Im an addict. I don't know if I am exaggerating, but ever since I started drinking, my grades have been slipping and I constantly find myself thinking yay money for pot when I get money from work. I dont smoke every day and I have in 2 weeks even...but I seriously feel like shit...because last year I was an honor student, and now my average is an 87 tops. I feel like I screwed everything up....
     
  9. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    I always thought it was funny jocks would call me fag for talking to girls all the time in school.

    Depression affects grades, I know that because I drank myself out of college so I won't notice. Try not to think of drinking or smoking as ways to "feel better." What I mean is, don't rely on them.

    If you are really interested in school check out Simon's Rock College of Bard. It's for young scholars. I only recommend this because you seem very intelligent, its not for everyone but its a great place for individuality and creativity.
     
  10. tired eric

    tired eric Member

    Sometimes you just have to say, "Don't let the bastards get you down." You have a bright future. I know how difficult it can be growing up where you live. I lived there as well at your age.

    Not to minimize what you are going through, but most people had a hard time in school in one way or another. Even the ones of the "in crowd" have isses at 16. The movie The Breakfast Club was popular because it touched upon the experiences of different groups of students who all were surprised to learn they all had similar teenaged stress.

    Look at it this way. You are almost out of school. If you put together a solid year of good grades, your dream is so very attainable. Try not to let others side track that dream. How so many of us wish we had so much of life ahead with opportunities to make different choices. I know this does not help much, and we all need friends, but there are so many out there with similar interests as you. Hang in there and you will find them!
     
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