I'm not sure how to start this, and i'm not sure what i want from it, if anything at all. I used to think about killing myself when i was a teenager, but never did anything. I'm in my late 30's now and it has come back. I've recently made two attempts in one day. I tried to cut my wrists, but found it too hard. Its really hard to do that to yourself, i couldn't cut deep enough. So then i decided to take some pills. I work somewhere where it was easy to access lots of tablets, but i didn't know which ones to take. I took about <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>, but after about an hour they just made me violently ill, for about two days. Nodody noticed any of this as a suicide attempt. My partner never noticed the scar on my wrist, and thought the sickness was food poisoning. I have decided on a pretty foolproof method if there is to be another time. Its really hard to go about your daily life when everyone thinks your just the same happy-go-lucky person they think they know, while in reality it is a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I am supposed to be getting married later in the year. I should be overjoyed about this. But i have fallen totally in love with someone else. I did tell this other girl how i felt, but she was really angry, as she thought we were just really good friends, and now feels she cannot trust me. We still talk, and i see her every few weeks, but i think of her every day, non-stop. The thoughts that fill my head are all about what a life with this girl would be like,- first date, first kiss, walking along holding hands for the first time, all of those things from the beginning of a relationship that are just magic. But i know i will never experience these things with her, and it really hurts. Every day i pretend to everybody, including myself, that i am ok. But i am totally miserable, and i cannot talk to any of my friends about this. What should i do?