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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by crisis4Life, Jul 26, 2007.

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  1. crisis4Life

    crisis4Life Member


    I'm really sorry, this might turn into a long posting... I don't know if any of you want to hear about me, or care to, but here it goes anyways... (that is one of my main problems, i really think no one cares... )

    anyways, I've basically wanted to kill myself since I can remember thinking for myself, prolly 4 yrs old or something. I remember yelling at my mom that I hated her for giving birth to me... I used to threaten to run away, I even had a bag packed at one point... I threatened to kill my brother when i was like 7... and all along, my parents told me to stop asking for so much attention... ATTENTION? its like they thought i enjoyed thinking these things... Finally I got it through my moms thick head that i needed to see a therapist... and she finally took me to one when i was 11... and then I was put on paxil, and believe it or not, I think I actually started feeling better (either that, or I had just learned to hide it... my mom got mad at me every time i cried...)... but regardless of the reason, I started living a somewhat better life... and then a few months later, my parents got divorced...

    well, needless to say, that was the end of my somewhat better life... it was like everything crashed down on me, though not all at once... my older brother was into drugs and bad shit, I wanted to be (but for some reason remained sane enough to stay away...)... my mom and i were arguing all the time, the main reason being her stupid new boyfriends, and her ignoring her kids because of them... when i was 15, i realized the joy and relief of hitting myself... it felt so good... and then i started cutting my leg soon after that, and that felt even better... but a couple years later, it wasn't enough anymore... It was becoming an addiction... I went back to a therapist, was given more medication, but then proceeded to take myself off of it, was forced back on, etc etc etc, and then overdosed on it (not enough to do serious damage, but enough to make myself sick)

    I did get into university after high school, and I am now at University of Waterloo in Ontario... but now more then ever i feel that my world is coming to an end... my whole life these suicide thoughts have done nothing but get worse.. I have been constantly cutting, almost every place on my body now has a scar... my parents try to support me, but they dont truly get it... I'm seeing a psychiatrist right now, who has me on two meds... one of which he recently gave me, and oops, FORGOT to fucking tell me it would interfere with my birth control pills... thank god I had just broken up with my bf... so, needless to say, i HATE my psychiatrist... I feel like I really just belong in a mental hospital... im doing my second term at university right now, and its so hard... I was going nuts just now, wanted to die, wanted to cut, didnt know what to do, and then i found this place... maybe this will help...

    there are so many feelings inside me, i dont know what to say anymore... I'm sorry I've take up so much of your time if you are reading this...

    by the way, I also like to listen... so I'm here for you guys too if you want me to be
  2. jhayes0027

    jhayes0027 Well-Known Member

    Hi there, I've only been here for a day but after reading your story it's probably a good thing you've found a place like this. It helps, probably more than a lot of people think to just talk with people at times. I do hope you get better and everyone here will help. I'm always open for talking, but like I've said, I don't know how much use I can be, at least I can chat back though.
  3. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Hi crisis4life. I hope you can find some helpful advice around here. Some of the stuff I've read has encouraged me.
  4. Jolanta

    Jolanta Member & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    hi crisis4life,
    I'm really glad you found SF. :hug:
    Sounds like you really need someone to talk with.
    I know you are really strong since you made it this far in one piece.
    Keep coming back. You will find support here. Email or PM me anytime you need to. I am usually available.

    With love from, Jolanta
  5. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    i too am glad you found us here.. i think you wil find many ppl her who understand... hugs
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you found the forum and felt the confidence to share about yourself with us. I hope we are anle to give you the support you need to make it through. You sound like a great person. Take care and I hope to see you around the forum . :hug:
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