Hi

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Barbados, Aug 17, 2007.

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  1. Barbados

    Barbados Well-Known Member

    I dont know what it is about me but I've read about this so called "Manic Depression or "Bi-polar" and it may explain alot but doesn't bring me comfort and makes things worse. I'm unattractive, no longer smart atall, I regret doing things everyday of my life, I cant find "Love" or real friends, I have insomnia, I only feel happy when I've drank a ton of alcohol or thinking about ending a life of fucking things up... the only thing keeping me alive is thinking about my Mum and how this will affect her... I can list a 1000 more things but it pisses me off writing it. Basically I see no point in living, I do not believe in any religion and I wish I never existed, live, work, die is all there is and its something I do not want to do. I'm just trying to find a reason to live a little longer.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2007
  2. Barbados

    Barbados Well-Known Member

    Thats fukin it, I cant even get a reply here, FUCK EVERYONE.
     
  3. Driretlanii

    Driretlanii Active Member

    First of all, just calm down and hold your temper ok? We all are a bit lost in here you know?

    Now... I think you must find that extra reason to hold on INSIDE yourself... 'cos in the end, it's all about you, your desires, your feelings yes? And what may be valid for me to stay around may just sound ridiculous to you... Look deep inside yourself and your heart - isn't there just anything that you'd like to do before going away??? I'm sure there is...
     
  4. Barbados

    Barbados Well-Known Member

    Well I've never said any of this to anyone and saw this has whatever many views, so people had looked at it but I guess they cant be bothered to say anything... ( I waited 6 hours for a reply ) There is nothing I want to do, I have been suicidal on and off for about 4 or 5 years and I'm sick of life, get qualifications, work, get pissed just to pass the time, do something new just to delay the inevatable, spend your whole life working just to retire and do nothing. Seriously, someone give me one good reason to live? Life aint worth living.
     
  5. Driretlanii

    Driretlanii Active Member

    Barbados, the first time I recall having felt suicidal I was barely 6 years old... I did try to do it 6 or 7 times that year so this is going on in my damned life for 21 years now... on and off... more on than off periods. One of the things that helped me to stick around till 10 years ago was sports... school grades... I'm a bloody perfectionist and I HAD to excell all I did, cos that was my purpose and that was the reason I was living for... so that I could make 18 and move out from that dreadful place I grew up in... so that I could have a life of my own... So that I could be myself. But then, 10 years ago, it all went wrong - my mom died and left me with my 3yo sister to take care of, my fiancé that was my only emotional support died in a car accident when he was coming for me, to support me; then I got injured and had to quit sports... and finally, got raped... All in the same month: December! Can you just imagine how I felt? The nightmare my life had just turned into? ...and I just couldn't give up and leave that 3yo little being to have a shitty life like I had! So, that moment on I sticked around for her, till things would get better at my place... they didn't until 4 years ago. And on and on till now... and even now, I feel like shit and suicidal, but I'm hanging on to this stupid task I gave to myself of making up to those I hurt... and I know that in the minute I feel relieved from that "task", I'll find a new one... This approach is working due to my damned perfectionism, I never give up until the job is done right!
    Like me, you must have something in you that will help you find a path not for living, not yet, but to survive until you find that thing you want the most...

    Hang in there, and feel free to talk to me anytime... I know my words can be harsh sometimes, but sometimes we have to hear stuff we don't like to snap out of it...
     
  6. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Don't be rude to people on here please.
    Try not to get anxious about replies.
    People are allowed to read posts but not reply, sometimes they just don't know what to write. And if you abuse other members then you definietely won't get replies...:cool:
     
  7. Barbados

    Barbados Well-Known Member

    I know people are in worse situations, I have tried to make myself feel better by thinking about others peoples situations ( I know thats wrong, but I'm desperate ). Sorry about the words but I'm frustrated to anything atm
     
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