Hi.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tahlmer, Jun 18, 2008.

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  1. Tahlmer

    Tahlmer New Member

    So I'm in a pretty dark place...

    In a professional rut in a job I'm growing to loathe that pays about 40% of what my cohorts make and about 95% of my fixed living expenses, and the hole (as you might imagine) grows deeper -- that will change (slightly) at the end of the month when I get a 25% raise, but I don't know that I'll be able to climb out, and even then anything "out of the ordinary" (clutch for the car, or whatever) kills any semblance of a budget...

    I'm hunting for a new job but I'm in a fiercely competitive profession in a fiercely competitive market, and I didn't go to the "right" schools and/or don't have the "right" experience (because I didn't get the right jobs because I didn't go to the right schools -- seriously, every position I've looked at has required a degree from a top-ten school and they won't interview if you didn't go to an Ivy or Stanford or ...). So I'm basically screwed.

    Socially ... I have a few friends, I'm not sure how. I'm honestly surprised every time my phone rings or I get an email invite to do something -- anything. And I can know that it's a "self esteem thing," but that doesn't make it any less real to me that I'm pretty sure I'm not really worthy of friendship or ...

    Obviously anything more than that, since friends' attempts at matchmaking never spark, let alone catch; even the online dating thing that might yield a first date every month or three never leads to date #2...

    I'm not a virgin but I can count my partners on one hand and soon it'll take more fingers than I've got to count the number of years since my last...

    (And we won't talk about the 20 year old hottie that's decided I'm to be her Safe Guy big brother thing as she works out the 'issues' with her sixteen-year-older-than-I-am boyfriend, who I've somehow in spite of myself connected with... Yeah, I'm screwed up.)

    I did recently drop over 50 lbs (I'm still overweight per the BMI, but only by five pounds maybe) in about three months, but I'm still wrestling with food and may have issues there too (can't seem to eat, exercise a ton, know I'm starving and crashing my body -- temp doesn't get about 95.0F anymore, 99.0 used to be normal for me, but I had my thyroid hormone levels checked and they're normal, and my metabolism hasn't slowed much, so...?), but I honestly don't care.

    I may be depressed, but if I am it's externally triggered and (I don't think) brain chemistry sourced; when things are going well I'm even or happy, when nothing's going right (which seems to be the case more and more as I get older... I'm 8 years out of college if that dates things properly) I get down.

    At the moment, the two things keeping me from shuffling off the ole' mortal coil is what that would do to my mom (don't talk to anyone in my family other than she, with any regularity), and the annoyingly cumbersome process of getting approval for / getting potassium cyanide. (When I was in high school I was in-patient twice for serious attempts, once with a razor, once with every pill I could find in the house. If I go in for 'round 3,' I'm going to be methodical and chart a sure course.)

    So that's my story. Not really sure why I'm here...
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...glad you found us...sometimes it does seem that there are so many things we have to deal with...life is so messy and never seems to line up the way we want...why not write a list of small, reachable goals, and continue to work on them...support (both professional and peer) is so important...please know there are many ppl here who can relate to what you wrote...and congrads on your wt loss...that is not easy!...welcome again and let us know how you are doing...big hugs, J
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    What is the problem about finding yourself a girlfriend. Low self assteem? I'm sure there are plenty of girls who would like to get to know you. You would probably do better if you had someone in your life. If not a girlfriend. Then how about a puppy! It would give you a responsibility. Feed him, take for walks(chic magnet), training, and he will give you unconditional love. And he would always be faithful to you.
    I recently got a pup. A jack Russel terrior.He is as smart as a whip. my trainer told me I probably picked the wrong breed because Jack Russels are high maintence dogs. They are very active. and they learn things fast. She said if I wanted a pup I should have picked a border collie. I don't give a damn what she says about Jack Russell's because mine has grown on me, and I love him! Think it over because you will have responsibilities when you get one...:chopper:
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Some times opportunities open up that we don't even expect. Maybe there are jobs outside of your degree that you would enjoy and pay well. Try not to limit yourself. You talk about your depression being externally based, but maybe it isn't. It may be triggered by external things, but that doesn't mean it may not be medical. If you are not getting the right nutrition depression can be triggered also. It may not hurt to talk to a therapist or someone trained in recognizing symptoms of different illnesses. At least you could rule some things out.
     
  5. Tahlmer

    Tahlmer New Member

    If there are plenty of girls who would like to get to know me, they're keeping themselves well hidden. (Complicating things -- I'm actually in Mensa, high IQ and all that, and find that, unsurprisingly, most of the people I meet, women and otherwise, don't keep up mentally. If the median IQ is 100, and I'm in the top 2%... It would be roughly akin to someone of 'average' intelligence trying to date in a world where most (bell-curve) people are in the retarded range (i.e., ~40 IQ points lower). :sad: If you ever read postsecret.blogspot.com they had one that totally nailed it for me a while ago... "I'd rather be average and popular than smart and alone."

    Puppy isn't in the cards, my condo building doesn't allow them. I do have the fish I was stuck with by my ex-girlfriend (of almost 7 years ago now -- those are some hardy fish!).

    Low self-esteem? Yeah. I actually hope Bush and his cronies get increased oil exploration pushed through; I cling to the slight hope that one of these days, while deep drilling, one of the rigs will find my self-worth...

    Looking outside of my degree (I have a doctorate) really isn't an option. Aside from the fact that I've spent *years* prepping myself for this profession (which requires, on top of the schooling, an arduous licensing exam that fewer than half of the takers pass), I've also spent years not prepping myself for any other career, and I have fixed expenses (like an, thanks to the market plunge, upside down mortgage)...
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry if I affended you. You said it yourself you are inteligent. You shouldn't have a problem with women after you get youself settled in a job and get your routine down. I won't tell you anymore because I think it is a touchie subject with you. I wish you well at whatever you do...:chopper:
     
  7. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I often feel like that. Most people can't keep up with my train of thought. I have an above average IQ but can also be a bit manic sometimes (I spent last friday obsessing over time travel theories and came to the conclusion that until we can better understand the inner workings of time, it will be theoretically and technically impossible). A lot of people just don't seem to get it.
     
  8. Tahlmer

    Tahlmer New Member

    Stranger1 - no offense taken, not sure why you'd think that, sorry if I was short, I don't communicate well.

    delargeal - Yeah; I don't think I'm manic at all (I did have a bipolar diagnosis about 19 years ago, but that was from a psychiatrist who really didn't speak English all that well (when you're locked in the psych ward fifteen minutes after midnight on January 1, you get stuck with whoever's on duty...), and three hospitalizations (including a 5150 hold) later no one's ever pegged me as anything but major affective disorder. But I definitely make mental leaps in my thoughts faster than most, "get" things very quickly (usually before the other person is half finished with what they were saying), etc. It makes interacting with most people (again, speaking statistically, with 66% of the population at-or-below 30 points lower than my IQ, and 95% of the population 15 points or more below, going by the bell curve) frustrating at best...

    Isolating... in the extreme
     
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