introductions are always a bit awkward, but anyway, hi. im alan, im 22, and im at a point in my life where ive decided to seek out a forum on suicide. i suppose a little backround is on order. i had some serious depression issues for as long as i care to remember. though i can say some of that depression was justified, i understand (and pretty much understood then as well) that a lot of my teenage depression was typical teenage depression. even back then, i never really placed much weight on it. fast forward a few years, and i developed an extremely severe case of panic disorder. i spent nearly 2 years having a near constant panic attack. i spent this time with a highly elevated heart rate, constant chest pain, the sensation that your lungs were not getting enough air, and the feeling as if i was choking on something. i went through 3 doctors, as i refused to believe that it was panic disorder at all. anyone who has had one of those severe panic attacks knows why. in these 2 years, i barely left the house. i lost contact with everyone i knew. i was afraid to eat (because eating always made it worse), or sleep (because the most severe panic attacks came in the middle of the night. i would often wake up already neck deep in a panic attack. i have 3000$ in hospital bills because of these mid sleep panic attacks), so i was malnourished and suffering from exhaustion. things were terrible eventually, about 4 months ago, i started to sleep right, and exercise every day. slowly i gained control of life again. simply being able to do everyday tasks again without my body having a fit was awesome.... then the physical after effects of 2 years of constant extreme stress started to come to light. i wont get into some of the more serious things, but my skin took a serious turn for the worse, and im aggressively balding. i used to be a decent looking guy, but i dont feel this is the case anymore. even though ive blade shaven my head for years, that telltale balding shadow is bothersome. when i reached the light at the end of my tunnel, and saw that the person coming out had twice the problems as the person going in, i snapped. so, i find myself here because the rational portion of my brain knows that talking about it will make me feel slightly better, if only superficially. well, thats enough melodrama for now. hopefully, it didnt come off as stereotypically as it sounded in my head :mellow:.