Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by oneman11, Nov 15, 2009.

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  1. oneman11

    oneman11 New Member

    Hi all.

    When I ask myself what I want for my future, a huge part of me just wants to die.

    I'm not even sure how or what to talk about here, while I am a big forum user, I'm not sure how to proceed on here. I've rarely talked about these kind of thoughts so I'm a little shy and uncertain how to proceed.

    I do know that having this kind of feeling is majorly demotivating me and if I don't do something to improve feeling this way, I may end up in a situation where the pain may be too intense for me to accept. Right now, I'm not in pain at all, so things are ok for now, but I may be in a lot of pain in a few weeks if I don't take action to keep things going financially (that is I may flunk out of school and lose ability to get school loan and end up having nowhere to live...etc.). I guess I'm concerned that I might actually end up doing something to myself you know in the next couple of months if I don't take care of these feelings now. I have been very close to killing myself in the past.

    Any suggestions?
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to the site!!

    Without knowing what's going on, it's hard to come up with any suggestions. Can you talk a little about why you're feeling so bad?

    I'm really glad you joined, and I hope we can help you!!
  3. brueyh1976

    brueyh1976 Well-Known Member

    First off, you're not alone anymore. You've come to the right place, you're with people who understand. Just talk to us, we'll listen and if we can help you.
  4. oneman11

    oneman11 New Member

    Thanks WildCherry :)

    I'm not fully sure. I do believe my life suxs pretty bad. I have struggled for a long time. I'm in my early 30s now, and so many areas of my life sux. It does seem like a constant struggle, though over the years i have managed to improve some areas.

    My main concern now is that I'm in a graduate program and I'm really not motivated to study as I don't really care for it. Some of it is fun but, the only reason I went back to school is I was hating my jobs and didn't have any jobs I liked to go to. I've grown very allergic to having jobs that I don't like, and that's the only kind of jobs I've had before. So, if I mess up in school, or I graduate in May as I'm supposed to do, I have a hard time seeing how I can support myself. I should mention I doubt I'll get a job with my MBA as I don't really care for MBA type jobs. I don't require much to live, but I still need a nice roof and money to live on. So I am quite scared of going homeless, or being stuck back in one of those jobs I hate like working retail and stuff. I did that for a few years, and life was hell. Not going back to that, and the thought of death compared to that is more enjoyable.

    Maybe I should mention I've also tended to be somewhat of chronic suicidal thinker. I've started having suicide thoughts back when I was 16, and somehow I've made it all the way to now even though I've had some close calls here and there. I've had times though when I wasn't suicidal at all, or didn't think those thoughts too. I would like to stop immediately having suicidal thoughts when things get bad for me, because I think that's very harmful to me to have these thoughts.

    I hope that's a good start to answer your question. :)

    Me too :)
  5. oneman11

    oneman11 New Member

    Thanks Brueyh. That is helpful, I've never really talked about these thoughts to someone who could understand them except to my shrink last year. Unfortunately, she's no longer available. So it's nice to reach out to other people.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi oneman11 Is it possible to to ask you doctor to set you up with another psychiatrist or psychologist as it is important to have a professional to talk to.
    I hope you are on some medication for your depression and if so maybe it is time to change it or up dose a bit but ask doctor first. I would really try to do well at your course as it could lead you to meeting new people new places. I am glad you came here as lots of people to talk here with and just get thougts out of your head. Take care I hope you get a new psych doctor to help you .
  7. oneman11

    oneman11 New Member

    No. I don't have a doctor, and the psychiastrist was provided by my university for free. I was limited to 10 sessions and we went way over that. I don't have the money to pay for a shrink on my own.

    Nope. I don't do medications. My depression isn't a biological thing like it is for a lot of people, but more mental. I can feel totally happy and fine and then something bad happens, I feel depressed and suicidal for a few days. Then I can feel fine again.

    I don't really connect with my classmates, and I do have trouble meeting new people unfortunately, it's something I've been working on. I do live alone and don't have any family and no really good friend locally as it's a new city I moved to a year ago, so I'm relatively isolated. I do have a number of positiver and wonderful friends online though, some of whom have come to where I live to meet me, so the online friends i have plenty of. Having local friends, and/or people to talk about suicidal thoughts and how to overcome is something I don't have and really need.

    Thanks for your message :)
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