Discussion in 'Welcome' started by jp_bl_68, Dec 11, 2009.

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  1. jp_bl_68

    jp_bl_68 Account Closed

    I signed up to SF a few days ago. I wanted to see what other people were going through. I don't normally bother with 'welcome' posts but it seemed important this time.

    I'm 23, male, I live in London with my parents. I'm a 2 time university drop out :rolleyes: , and I've been in and out of work for the last few years. I've always been quiet, quite shy, a bit of a loner, not particularly social.

    I've had some issues with alcohol. I first noticed it when I was about 17 but I managed to keep it under control. When I first went to university I started drinking heavily again. I was never hospitalised but I have experienced the DTs on numerous occasions. I came home and got my drinking under control again.

    I used to have a group of friends that I was really close with. I had known some of them for about half my life. They were all studying, they knew what they wanted to do with their lives, they had their own cars, their own homes, some were in serious relationships. I was envious. Self pity took over and I started drinking again. I purposefully lost touch with them. They still don't know why. (My drinking has been under control for almost a year now)

    I have often thought about killing myself. When I was a teenager I think it was just angst and self pity. As I grew older it became a way of dealing with my own shortcomings. I had convinced myself that if my life ever became too pathetic I always had the option of killing myself. That allowed me to keep wasting time, making mistakes, drinking., etc..

    I'm not sad most of the time. I definitely don't feel depressed. But I don't want to live anymore.

    My family's getting together for Christmas. It's a chance to see everyone again and have some good times. I've decided to kill myself in January; just before my birthday. I convinced myself that if the two dates (birth and death) coincided it would make it a little easier on my family.

    I want someone to know that this is happening, even if it's only complete strangers. Typing this, reading the forums, just signing up to SF has made this real. I think it's helping me to come to terms with this. I plan to keep posting up until the end.

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...please post about what is going on for you...I am sure there are many ppl who can relate...you would be surprised how accessible ppl are here...again welcome, and please stay a while ( a long while)...J
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum :shake: I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much, I hope we can help you get through it.
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Well, you sound depressed, being depressed doesn't always mean just acting down and sluggish, its handled and shown in different way, you sound like you depict it through deep thought's, that's a known symptom. And you look likely to at least attempt it due to your situation. There are alot of factors you need to think about though and I think in SF, you've come to the right place, you'll slot right in I'm sure.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I hope you change your mind about leaving your family right before your birthday. Anniversaries are had, no matter when they happen. Being closer together does not help anything. Spend your energy in finding reasons to live instead of reason to die. You will be surprised at the outcome. :shake:
  6. jp_bl_68

    jp_bl_68 Account Closed

    Just an update. I've been feeling a lot better recently.

    I got a job. It was only a temporary position but it re-energised me. I think being turned down for jobs knocked my confidence a bit. Being unemployed gave me too much time to dwell on things. I'm unemployed again but I feel optimistic. I just have to not let it get on top of me again, stay active.

    The family got together for Christmas. Seeing them all again reminded me just how lucky I am. I think I'd taken them for granted.

    In the new year I'm going to start looking for more work. If I've got no solid leads by the end of January I might take a weekend break somewhere nice, maybe back to Amsterdam :)biggrin: a much better way to spend my birthday :tongue:), just to help keep things in perspective. I'm also planning a trip to Seattle to see my brother in the springtime.

    I know that this might not be the last time this is an issue for me but now I feel like I'm better equipped to deal with it. I think posting here and reading about what other people are going through helped.

    Merry Christmas SF! (no Christmas smilies on this site? :huh:)
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Congrats on finding the temp job!
    Glad that you're feeling re-energized and hopefully things keep going uphill for you!

    Happy Holiday~ <3
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