Discussion in 'Welcome' started by heyshazza, Jan 23, 2010.

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  1. heyshazza

    heyshazza Member

    Hi. You can call me Shazza. Or Shae. Or whatever.

    I don't really know what I'm doing here. I guess I'm looking for distraction and understanding. After reading some posts I feel like maybe I've finally found a place where others can honestly relate to what I'm feeling.

    I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, ptsd, ocd, agoraphobia, and borderline personality disorder. I've been in and out of therapy since I was about 15 (almost 15 years ago.) I've had 2 (1 almost successful) suicide attempts and probably 7 or 8 inpatient hospitalizations. And yet I'm more f***ed up than ever.

    I was relatively sane until I was about 22 and my life has gone downhill since then. I am currently unable to work. I spend about 8 hours a week in therapy, see a psychiatrist every 2 weeks, and spend almost every remaining minute shut up in my bedroom, usually in bed with the lights off wishing life would just go away and leave me alone.

    My closest friend lives in Australia (I'm in the US) and I only talk to her once every month or so on Facebook. Seriously...that's the closest I've allowed anyone to get. And she doesn't know about all my craziness since I met her when I was 18 and still appeared "normal" to the world.

    My family tries to be supportive but they don't understand. I live with my mom, and out of everyone, she's the person who "gets it" the most. But even though she really tries she just ends up making things more difficult for me.

    I am still suicidal, though at this point I'm not at risk of attempting it. Mostly because that would require WAY too much effort. But the thoughts are always there, and the urge is always there. I also have a history of self-harm, but haven't cut in over a month. Before that it had been about 2 years.

    Anyway, that's who I am. Probably too much info, but oh well. Thanks for reading.
  2. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Hey there~ welcome to the forum! If there's anything I can tell you first off-- it's that there's not really any such thing as 'too much info' here!
    We're a non judgmental community and chances are; there's at least one or two other people who can relate to the way you're feeling.
    I'm agoraphobic too! I've started to go out a bit more recently in an attempt to re-discover myself and get some answers... but it's really hard relating to people in real life. I'm so scared of people- it makes it impossible to work with them, or even just to be in the same room as them.

    Anyways- I hope you can find a bit of comfort here in knowing that we're all kinda alike. Talk to us whenever, okay?
    You can add me on facebook too if you'd like! Just pm me! :stars:
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Shae, Welcome to the forums!! You could have just described me..I am socialphobic, agoriphobic, seveere depression, personality disorder, paranoia,anxiety,mood swings, irrational thoughts , and borderline skyzophrenic.. I have isolated myself in the bedroom for the last seventeen years..I just can't do people.. thats why this forum is so helpfull to me..I just quit therapy a few months ago because I just couldn't afford it anymore.. I am a walking drug store..Just told you all that to let you know you are not alone in the way you think and feel.. I hope being here gives you some freedom and support..Take care, Joseph
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...sorry it took so long for me to respond...you have battled many very challanging problems and sounds like you have battle fatigue...it is very brave to reveal yourself in therapy and sounds like you are trying to do that...please be genuine about how you feel to ppl who are trying to help...it stings, but is the only way for ppl to truly assist you...welcome and let us know how we can support you...big hugs, J
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Your post wasn't too much info. :hug: Welcome to SF.
  7. heyshazza

    heyshazza Member

    Thanks for the warm welcome :thanks:
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey welcome to SF.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi shazza, welcome to SF. :)
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Shae. I am glad you found us. This is a community full of people that care and understand what those feelings are like. I hope you can find respite here. :hug:
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