Hi. You can call me Shazza. Or Shae. Or whatever. I don't really know what I'm doing here. I guess I'm looking for distraction and understanding. After reading some posts I feel like maybe I've finally found a place where others can honestly relate to what I'm feeling. I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, ptsd, ocd, agoraphobia, and borderline personality disorder. I've been in and out of therapy since I was about 15 (almost 15 years ago.) I've had 2 (1 almost successful) suicide attempts and probably 7 or 8 inpatient hospitalizations. And yet I'm more f***ed up than ever. I was relatively sane until I was about 22 and my life has gone downhill since then. I am currently unable to work. I spend about 8 hours a week in therapy, see a psychiatrist every 2 weeks, and spend almost every remaining minute shut up in my bedroom, usually in bed with the lights off wishing life would just go away and leave me alone. My closest friend lives in Australia (I'm in the US) and I only talk to her once every month or so on Facebook. Seriously...that's the closest I've allowed anyone to get. And she doesn't know about all my craziness since I met her when I was 18 and still appeared "normal" to the world. My family tries to be supportive but they don't understand. I live with my mom, and out of everyone, she's the person who "gets it" the most. But even though she really tries she just ends up making things more difficult for me. I am still suicidal, though at this point I'm not at risk of attempting it. Mostly because that would require WAY too much effort. But the thoughts are always there, and the urge is always there. I also have a history of self-harm, but haven't cut in over a month. Before that it had been about 2 years. Anyway, that's who I am. Probably too much info, but oh well. Thanks for reading.