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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by belletone, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    Hi, I'm new here, and don't know where else to post this.

    For these past couple weeks, or months, I'm not sure which, I have been consistently aware of the option of suicide. I have also been aware that this tendency is very much encouraged by my antisocial nature. The main problem for me, as far as I've been able to figure out, is the problem of my need for human contact, even when I feel that the connection made is artificial. Because I want to socialize purely for my mental health, and not because I feel any real connection with these people, I see myself as someone who uses others, which is an unsavory characteristic. There are a small number of people, besides my family, who I feel this connection with, but they are usually at least five to ten years older than me, and I find it egotistical of myself that I cannot dane to socialize with my own age group. Who do I think I am? Also, when I've found these connections in the past, at least romantically, I have broken the ties because of the emotional and mental weight that comes with them. This also does not help my view of myself. I expect others to carry this weight, however positive, but I am relieved of this duty?

    So many of my values and needs seem to conflict with my own actions towards others, and I see no obvious way of remedying them, and I realize that suicide doesn't solve it either. I have really been trying to resolve all of this, through medication and talk therapy, but the thought visits me on a daily basis. I'm somewhat determined to not "become a statistic" (as I keep telling myself), but I'm worried that the thoughts won't stop until they've worn through my shell.

    Advice, analysis, similar experiences?
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hey belletone,

    Welcome to the forum.

    It sounds like you are fighting as hard as you can, which is fantastic.

    It sounds, to be honest, like you are very hard on yourself and very judgemental about your actions and needs.

    For example, if you make a connection with someone, it does not matter what age they are, a connection is a connection. Being older doesn't make them superior or better than someone younger, it just means they are someone you feel comfortable with. Everyone has things they look for in friends, or preferences for friends, and by nature, it seems that age is one of yours, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.

    Do you know why you are antisocial? Have you been hurt, maybe rejected, or abandoned in the past?

    People socialise for a whole variety of different reasons. If you feel a user with people, what about animals, do they work to provide a connection? If you give something to a relationship with someone, then that makes you not a user, no matter why you are in contact with them.

    A previous therapist of mine used to use the phrase 'it is what it is'. It's a saying that prevents us adding our own weight, judgements and interpretations to a situation and can often free us from the pain we add to an already painful situation. Could you maybe try looking at your situation, with that phrase?
  3. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    I have clinical depression and social anxiety disorder, which I take sertraline hcl (zoloft) for. The only somewhat major event of rejection I can think of is that in elementary school I wholeheartedly believed in the idea that people judge you on how you act, not how you look. So I wasn't self-conscious at all about my body or looks and used to raise my arms above my head, and my stomach would stick out. I found out that a lot of my other classmates (including my friends) had been making fun of me behind my back about it, for how long, I'm not sure. It doesn't really some like something that major...
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Oh, that's so horrible. That would affect most people to be honest, I would think. I know for sure it would affect me because I would probably think that everything I ever believed was not true and not the case.

    It's good that you are on some meds. Do you find they work?

    Do you have any support and help for your depression and anxiety?
  5. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    In the past two months, they haven't seemed to be working. My shrink thought it was Seasonal Affective Disorder, but the light therapy didn't seem to help.

    The only thing thats been keeping me going is my commitment to the orchestral and chamber groups I'm in. I'd feel like a real ass if they had to call in a last minute sub.

    I'm not even sad right now, just confused. Why should I keep going? What is the point of all of this besides not hurting others? Why should I see any worth in my existence? Every day I just compartmentalize, play the gig/go to the rehearsal, and then go back to my room and try to talk myself out of ending it. And my determination doesn't seem to help, it just drives others away once they know you aren't an immediate threat to yourself.
  6. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    I just feel like I'm stalling until people don't need things from me, but there are a never-ending stream of commitments. Its depressing that THAT is the only reason I'm still here right now. I have to go play in an opera in an hour, so doing it now wouldn't be very considerate to the other people involved...

    I've had two other friends in the past who threatened suicide but never went through with it, and a lot of my friends and I thought of them as "attention *****s". I feel like every time I reach out to others to keep myself from going, when I don't go, I'm just as bad as them. I've only told one friend about these thoughts, because I don't want others to go through that pain and worrying for nothing.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's important you try to communicate with your psych exactly what is going on for you, because the more he knows, the more he can help. Its good that he is trying different things, and listening to you. Hopefully that means he can find what works for you.

    I think having a tie like that, to life, is a good thing. I have different ties, but they are sort of similar in principle. Sometimes those ties can help us get through the bad times, and then when the good times come, we are grateful that we had those.

    Its sad you have found yourself feeling as bad as you do. Has it changed your opinion of your previous friends? Do you still feel they were attention seekers?
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF belletone. i agree with scum that you really need to communicate with your psych the feelings you have. The more background knowledge they have, the better equipped they are to figure out what you need. Have you told him about your incident in grade school? It may have had more of an effect on you than you thought. There may be some thinking errors that need to be addressed. I am glad you are fighting and that you have reasons not to give in. :hug:
  9. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF!
  10. belletone

    belletone Active Member

    Thanks to everyone who wrote:

    Things sort of came to a head last night. I got really drunk, which enabled me to confess what was going on to a wonderful ex, who still treats me like gold. The alcohol also enabled me to try to act on those feelings, but my ex tackled me every time I tried to run for the door. She called my mom, who is now here to help me get through my last week of college before spring break, and kept watch to make sure I didn't try to do anything else until my mom arrived.

    Anyway, after this week is up I'm going home for re-evaluation. Hopefully they can find a drug cocktail that works, and a regular therapist near my college. But I'm going to keep fighting. There is too much love here, it's impossible to ignore.

    Thanks again for your support!
  11. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member


    that is good news and weldone :) Keep in touch...we would like to know how you are doing :)

  12. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member


    Welcome to the forum.

    You have come to the right place,sorry your struggling.
    We are here to help you,please feel free to contact me any time.

    Mandy xxx
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