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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by cheese, Aug 13, 2006.

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  1. cheese

    cheese Member

    Well, I wanted to start off with an interesting subject line, but I couldn't think of one.

    I found this forum tonight, and it seemed useful so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm 23, female, and from a small town. I've been silently dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings for the past 10 years.

    I don't know why I'm sucidal. Most of my life really isn't bad when I look at it on paper. I love lists. I make lists all the time. I write down everything I want to do to try changing things, but it never happens.

    There are some negative aspects. I've made some poor choices in the past and I can't seem to get out from under them. I don't really know how. I haven't done anything truly horrible, just little things that seem to have created some sort of cycle. I have a crappy job that doesn't pay enough and I hate, yet I can't afford to go to school to do something better. I shot my credit years ago, so I can't get loans. With no education past high school I can't get a decent job to try to fix my credit. I couldn't afford my car insurance, let it lapse a month, got into a car accident and lost my license. All these little things that add up and keep me down. However, I don't really think any of these things are the actual root of the problem--just current little bits, some my fault, others bad luck, that have become the focus of everything. Afterall, I felt this way long before any of these things. I also think that since I'm not driving for what looks to be quite a while I have a lot of time to sit around and dwell on negativity.

    On the other hand I have a lot of positive things in my life. My boyfriend and I just celebrated five years together. He knows I regularly battle depression, but I've never dropped the "s" word to him. I don't know that he'd understand, nor do I want to drag him into any of this. We've discussed finding a counselor for me, but neither one of us actually initiates finding one. I'm sure we can't afford it anyway.

    My boyfriend is a wonderful human being. Rarely, he has his less than fun moments, but who doesn't? He works nights, and a lot of them, so even though we live together we don't see all that much of each other all the time. We spend all day together on Sunday, but other than that it varies. A few minutes between work here, an hour before bed there...stuff like that. Anyway, as much as I love my alone time I'm almost always happy during our time.

    Despite my bad credit we just bought our first home. That should be a step in the right direction, but I'm already worried that it's really just another bad choice and it'll crush me in the end. I'm still happy about it, but mostly because it provides a stable environment for my pets. I have a dog and cat that I love very much.

    My family is okay, but I'm sort of the black sheep. I can't really put how I feel about them into a coherent statement. I think saying we're out of touch with one another is the closest I can come. It's not that they don't know or understand, and it's not quite that they don't care....I don't know. I know growing up the way we dealt with problems was pretending they weren't there. I know I still do that a lot. Also, I have a perfectly "normal" and "well adjusted" younger brother. I know for fact that my mom sees me as slightly disappointing in comparison to him. He's friendly, fun, and outgoing and I'm pretty antisocial. It bothers her that I don't care about clothes or hanging out at bars or other things most people my age enjoy. Don't get me wrong, my home life has always been far from abusive. If anything it was the perfect, picket-fence nuclear family. It bored me to tears.

    I have one friend (other than my boyfriend) who I consider close. I don't go out of my way often to hang out with her, but she's a genuinely good person and when we do get together I enjoy her company. I'm rarely, if ever lonely though. I'd rather spend time alone than spend it with someone I don't honestly like just to have someone to be around. I do belong to several online communities, which I enjoy, but I could really do with out face to face interaction.

    Unfortunately I get into trouble when I'm alone. I have all this free time to think. I love to think. As I said, I don't get lonely, but I do get bored. And angry. If I'm alone, I'm almost always one or the other. I've also invented this thing I call my cave that I retreat into whenever I feel threatened (by myself or others.) It's probably the strongest defense mechanism that I've built for myself, and it's pretty much impenetrable. Mostly it's little clips I've read, or watched, or other things that make me happy. I've developed quite a knack for detatching myself.

    I love to read, and visit internet sites. I like movies, but it takes a lot for me to sit down and watch one. I loathe tv. It's an irritating excess noise that I wish we didn't have.

    As I previously mentioned, I hate my job. I'm a server (which has to be one of the most degrading jobs around) at a upper end casual dining restaurant. My co-workers and managers are, for the most part, idiots. The conversation there is moronic and shallow--pretty much limited to who did what with whom last weekend. The guests are even worse. Being ordered around by tools who decide what I'm worth AFTER the service has been performed is a horrible feeling. I'd quit, but as of now I'm unskilled and any other job would be a paycut. I'm already struggling, but finally starting to get ahead a little. I can't wait until I'm 24 and will qualify for financial aid. I hate whoever made that stupid rule.

    Funny thing though--I've never once hidden my feelings about my place of employment, yet everyone there loves me. I tend to say things (seriously) that everyone else take as jokes. They all find me amusing. I find their amusment with me amusing. I'm always invited places, but I never go. For whatever reason that only adds to my appeal. Just some observations I've made. As much as I dislike most personal interaction I enjoy obesrving others.

    Anyhow, I apologize for the length of this post. This is the first time in years that I've been able (or felt comfortable enough) to talk about some of these things to other people without first censoring my words. I hope everyone is doing well. I look forward to becomming a part of this community and being able to give and recieve support as needed.
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome to the forum Cheese. Its alright about the length of the post... its good to talk about things once in a while at least. Congratulations about you and your boyfriend, five years is a fair long time, and also, a house does sound like a really positive and big step. If you've known him for as long as you have... I think it would be safe to talk about suicide with him... you will have to mention it to someone at some point... its always that way. Anyway, hope to see you around.

  3. * Hello *

    *Maybe your boyfriend could help you out with going back to school? Maybe you could do it part time or go to night school or something * There are places that will give you a loan even with a bad credit * But be careful of getting a loan * Or maybe you could look for on the job training programmes * What jobs do you want to do? There must be some kind of help the government can give you * Where do you live?
  4. cheese

    cheese Member

    Thanks for the welcome! :smile:

    Yeah, I'm sure he won't leave me or anything, but I'm still worried it'll weird him out. He has a tough time understanding when I say I'm depressed and don't know why. He's always kind about it, but it just doesn't make sense to him and he does get frustrated.

    I live in Ohio, and financial aid is based on income. Since I'm under 24 I'm considered a dependent student, meaning they base it on my parents' incomes as well as mine. I turn 24 in September, unfortunately right after classes start, which pushes me back to the next round, but I'm almost there. Last year I was offered $256 (enough to buy a book or two) in grants and nothing in loans. The house is good though. It'll raise my credit score. (On a side note, I'm not sure how I qualified for a home loan, but not a student loan... :huh: )

    My boyfriend is more than willing to help out as much as possible, but right now our finances are pretty tight. He's very supportive though and as soon as I can get something he'll do everything possible to help me out.

    I'm interested in computer work, mainly programming. I've been trying to teach myself, and with any luck I'll have some knowlegde when I do start school.

    Anyway, nice to meet you both! I look forward to spending time here and getting to know everyone better.
  5. Hi Cheese,

    If you're interested in programming work, then you need to ask yourself what area of applications are you keen on working in? If you quite like the openness of Internet applications, then I would recommend getting to grips with PHP since it's what everyone uses and so there are plenty of resources around for you to borrow ideas and learn from. Still on the Internet side of things, I would highly recommend having a peek at Python - it's a relatively easy language to understand, and has a better security history than PHP. Maybe even Perl, but it can be quite hard to get your head around! If you want to be on the cutting-edge of Internet application development, I would highly recommend looking at "Ruby on Rails".

    For other application types, Python and Perl are good here too but less well recognised. C and C++, and their derivatives are where it's at.

    Good luck.
  6. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi Cheese :)

    Welcome to SF

    Hope to see you about the forum and maybe chat

    Take care

  7. LtRoarke

    LtRoarke Guest

    Hi Cheese! Welcome to SF and I hope you like it here :)

    My boyfriend is gowing through a very similiar situation and nobody really understands the situation-or rather is willing to. I feel so sorry for both of you. He didn't go to college and is now struggling to find a job (at 23, also). He's going through a lot of the same feelings and emotions as you are. I think that it would be a very good idea to tell your boyfriend about suicide the next time you are feeling that way. He sounds like a sweet guy and he'll probably only want to help you and listen.
    Take care*
  8. cheese

    cheese Member

    I_am_not_here, thanks! I've been trying to hit the library in my sparetime, but I'm pretty lazy and it's difficult to motivate myself. My dad has a master's in computer science, and has taught me quite a bit, but won't go into any of the programming aspects. He doesn't think I'll be able to handle the math.

    My sympathies to your boyfriend. It's a nightmare to get out of. I wanted to go (and was accepted) right out of highschool. My mom basically told me, "You're on your own with that" and my dad backed her up. Scerwing up my credit was entirely my fault, but it's still a shame that so little is offered in financial aid for highschool grads with middle class parents. It's like there's some sort of assumption that the parents are helping out, when quite often, they aren't. I don't want children, but if I ever change my mind I'm setting up a college fund for it before I even begin trying to concieve.

    I know I should, especially since he's been bringing up marriage more and more. That fact that I have frequent suicidal thoughts is something he should be privvy to before legally comitting his life to me.

    Marriage is another thing that really frightens me. Right now it's not too big of a concern because we've agreed it's best that I get my education first, but I know it's coming. I WANT to marry him, but I'm worried that he doesn't really know what he's getting into with me. That's silly, because he's still here by choice after five years, but at the same time I keep a lot repressed. I know I'm really lucky to have him, but I don't know that he's all that lucky and I don't want to end up holding him back. One of these days we're going to have to have a long talk and I guess I can only let him decide that for himself.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum cheese. Nice to meet you. I look forward to hearing more from you. :hug:
  10. indianwave

    indianwave New Member

    Hi cheese, thanks for the reply... Hope to talk to u more xx
  11. Hi Cheese :)

    Welcome to the forum - hope to see you about :)


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