Well, I wanted to start off with an interesting subject line, but I couldn't think of one. I found this forum tonight, and it seemed useful so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm 23, female, and from a small town. I've been silently dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings for the past 10 years. I don't know why I'm sucidal. Most of my life really isn't bad when I look at it on paper. I love lists. I make lists all the time. I write down everything I want to do to try changing things, but it never happens. There are some negative aspects. I've made some poor choices in the past and I can't seem to get out from under them. I don't really know how. I haven't done anything truly horrible, just little things that seem to have created some sort of cycle. I have a crappy job that doesn't pay enough and I hate, yet I can't afford to go to school to do something better. I shot my credit years ago, so I can't get loans. With no education past high school I can't get a decent job to try to fix my credit. I couldn't afford my car insurance, let it lapse a month, got into a car accident and lost my license. All these little things that add up and keep me down. However, I don't really think any of these things are the actual root of the problem--just current little bits, some my fault, others bad luck, that have become the focus of everything. Afterall, I felt this way long before any of these things. I also think that since I'm not driving for what looks to be quite a while I have a lot of time to sit around and dwell on negativity. On the other hand I have a lot of positive things in my life. My boyfriend and I just celebrated five years together. He knows I regularly battle depression, but I've never dropped the "s" word to him. I don't know that he'd understand, nor do I want to drag him into any of this. We've discussed finding a counselor for me, but neither one of us actually initiates finding one. I'm sure we can't afford it anyway. My boyfriend is a wonderful human being. Rarely, he has his less than fun moments, but who doesn't? He works nights, and a lot of them, so even though we live together we don't see all that much of each other all the time. We spend all day together on Sunday, but other than that it varies. A few minutes between work here, an hour before bed there...stuff like that. Anyway, as much as I love my alone time I'm almost always happy during our time. Despite my bad credit we just bought our first home. That should be a step in the right direction, but I'm already worried that it's really just another bad choice and it'll crush me in the end. I'm still happy about it, but mostly because it provides a stable environment for my pets. I have a dog and cat that I love very much. My family is okay, but I'm sort of the black sheep. I can't really put how I feel about them into a coherent statement. I think saying we're out of touch with one another is the closest I can come. It's not that they don't know or understand, and it's not quite that they don't care....I don't know. I know growing up the way we dealt with problems was pretending they weren't there. I know I still do that a lot. Also, I have a perfectly "normal" and "well adjusted" younger brother. I know for fact that my mom sees me as slightly disappointing in comparison to him. He's friendly, fun, and outgoing and I'm pretty antisocial. It bothers her that I don't care about clothes or hanging out at bars or other things most people my age enjoy. Don't get me wrong, my home life has always been far from abusive. If anything it was the perfect, picket-fence nuclear family. It bored me to tears. I have one friend (other than my boyfriend) who I consider close. I don't go out of my way often to hang out with her, but she's a genuinely good person and when we do get together I enjoy her company. I'm rarely, if ever lonely though. I'd rather spend time alone than spend it with someone I don't honestly like just to have someone to be around. I do belong to several online communities, which I enjoy, but I could really do with out face to face interaction. Unfortunately I get into trouble when I'm alone. I have all this free time to think. I love to think. As I said, I don't get lonely, but I do get bored. And angry. If I'm alone, I'm almost always one or the other. I've also invented this thing I call my cave that I retreat into whenever I feel threatened (by myself or others.) It's probably the strongest defense mechanism that I've built for myself, and it's pretty much impenetrable. Mostly it's little clips I've read, or watched, or other things that make me happy. I've developed quite a knack for detatching myself. I love to read, and visit internet sites. I like movies, but it takes a lot for me to sit down and watch one. I loathe tv. It's an irritating excess noise that I wish we didn't have. As I previously mentioned, I hate my job. I'm a server (which has to be one of the most degrading jobs around) at a upper end casual dining restaurant. My co-workers and managers are, for the most part, idiots. The conversation there is moronic and shallow--pretty much limited to who did what with whom last weekend. The guests are even worse. Being ordered around by tools who decide what I'm worth AFTER the service has been performed is a horrible feeling. I'd quit, but as of now I'm unskilled and any other job would be a paycut. I'm already struggling, but finally starting to get ahead a little. I can't wait until I'm 24 and will qualify for financial aid. I hate whoever made that stupid rule. Funny thing though--I've never once hidden my feelings about my place of employment, yet everyone there loves me. I tend to say things (seriously) that everyone else take as jokes. They all find me amusing. I find their amusment with me amusing. I'm always invited places, but I never go. For whatever reason that only adds to my appeal. Just some observations I've made. As much as I dislike most personal interaction I enjoy obesrving others. Anyhow, I apologize for the length of this post. This is the first time in years that I've been able (or felt comfortable enough) to talk about some of these things to other people without first censoring my words. I hope everyone is doing well. I look forward to becomming a part of this community and being able to give and recieve support as needed.