um..well i just joined. not really sure how this works. i guess i'm supposed to write a little about myself first? i don't really think i'm suicidal. well i have no desire to live, in fact the first thing i usually think when i wake up is damn...i'm still alive and here goes another fucking day. But i love my mom too much to ever kill myself. I would never do that as much as I hate living. She's too important to me for me to ever do something that would make her cry. That's the only reason I don't consider myself as suicidal. So yes, you could say I'm a mama's boy. I'm turning 24 on Sunday and I think thats part of the reason I decided to join this forum. Everyone always thinks of birthdays as some great occasion to celebrate, but I always think of my birthday as the most depressing day of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love birthdays, just not my own. I love going out and celebrating, or getting a meaningful gift for someone I care about. But I just don't have any reason for celebrating my own. I try to avoid telling my friends when my bday is as much as possible. I guess part of the reason is that I don't see what there is to celebrate about getting older. I don't know why I feel like that. 24 isn't really even that old yet. Maybe part of it is that I've been depressed since as far back as I can remember. And maybe i just kept telling myself dumb and nairve things such as things will get better next year...or things will get better in college...and then eventually things will get better after college. and that i'd finally be happy, but now i've graduated and in the real world, and still nothing. I still feel completely dead inside. And I hate the fact that I wine about it. In fact, I've been drinking for the past six hours just to try to write this and tell complete strangers. Well I didn't start out with the intention of getting drunk and then joining a suicide forum. I was just drinking and now here I am and decided to write. The past couple of months I've thought about just maybe writing a private journal for myself to get my thoughts out in words to see if maybe that'll make me feel any better. But I guess if no ones ever gonna read those it wouldn't make much of a difference. I still hope that someday I do start keeping a journal of all the shit I keep inside. I wish I could jump outside of my own body and into someone elses and just beat the crap out of the original me for being such a cry baby and being so sad inside. If you ever met me you'd have no idea how sad I was inside. I'm usually very outgoing, love to smile, and love being the life of the party. But inside I just wanna cry. In fact, so many things make me wanna cry at times. Seeing a complete stranger die on a tv show that I have never even watched sometimes makes me wanna cry. And at other times, I have no reason at all for wanting to cry. For a guy, I think I do cry a lot. I don't mean like balling crying like a girl, but crying as in tears just coming down my eyes and no facial expression. In a sick way, part of me enjoys the tears. Maybe it lets me know I'm still alive inside. Who knows. The thought of others suffering really makes me sad too. Even if its a complete stranger. I actually have no desire to make myself happy. My fantasy has always been to bring happiness to others, and dying dying completely alone myself. The only thing about that again though is my family. I wish I could somehow magically erase myself from my parents memories. If I could do that then I'd be gone tommorrow. But of course thats just a pipe dream. My perfect death would be to die while saving a girl that I love(d). Maybe it's cause no girl I've ever loved has loved me back. So I'd just want to die while commiting a completely selfless act. I think I watch too much tv and too many movies. Those scenes where you see the guy dying in a girls arms after getting in the way of a bullet or somethign cheesy, yeah, that would be the perfect death for me. Well I guess I'm just rambling now and not even making any sense at this point. Plus the alcohol's wearing off so I'm starting to wonder why I'm really writing on this forum now. I'm not suicidal. I'm just sad as fuck and don't know what it feels like to be happy. Hopefully talking to complete strangers about all the crap we keep inside might help. Atleast I hope it does, cause it's depressing being this depressed.