Discussion in 'Welcome' started by sAd1, Jun 2, 2010.

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  1. sAd1

    sAd1 Member


    Am 31. Been wanting to be free of my life for most of my life. Surprised I'm still here. Hope to share with people. People in my life think I'm a happy person but I'm not. Never have been. Am very tired and want to be free. Hope I can find some people here who'll understand.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi and glad you found us here at SF...I am pretty certain that you will find people here that understand what you are going through and how you feel. I myself relate very much to what you said about feeling down most all of your life-that is true for me too.
    This place is really great and has shown me that despite my depression and sadness there are those that understand me, accept me and want to be my friend...I am sure you will find the same thing as well.
    Well jump right in and post as much as you like, it helps to talk and we are listening
    Take care and hope to get to know you better,
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum....
    I understand how you feel....I always said I wouldn't live past 30 but am still here in my fifties...
    I hope you'll find the support you need here..
  4. sAd1

    sAd1 Member

    Thnk u Bambi and IV2010. I don't even know where to start. Even on a forum like this I don't know if people will understand. There might be other people out there like me but I don't know. If I start ranting maybe you might think I'm crazy. I don't know. I've never talked to any1 about this. Well not to the point of admitting that I want to end my life... even though I have wanted to end it for years.
  5. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Welcome sad1. you are in a safe place here, we wont judge you for what you say. I understand about appearing to be the happy person, I did that for years, was the "life of the party" but eventually the life faded out, I couldnt do it any more.
    But I'm getting better again, I just hope it doesnt all come caving in on me.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums sAd1!! You will find that the peeps here are very understanding... No one judges you... They will offer you support..Take care!!
  7. sAd1

    sAd1 Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I have spent some time reading through the posts on this forum and for the first time in a long time I cried. To those people that share their hurt here all I can honestly say is that I know how you feel.

    Rather than take my time I think I'll just open up and post my story. I hope I don't come across as being too forward but after reading the posts I feel I should just do it. To those that read this thank you.

    I'm 31 and I want to die. Nobody in my life knows this and probably if they found out they wouldn't believe it. How I really feel is not what I show the world. Most people would probably describe me as a fun/happy guy but that's not who I really am. When I'm not wearing the happy person mask I want to end my life.

    When I was young, 8 or so years old, one of my parents began to develop schizophrenia. Apart from this making them a very difficult and brutal person to live with they also began involving themselves with a doomsday religious cult. From about the age of 10 I began to be confronted with daily lectures about the end of the world being imminent and began to believe that I was going to die.

    I would wake up and go to school each day believing that the world was ending soon and that I would probably be dead by the end of that day. I was regularly given brochures and books to read about the end times and expecting death began a normal part of my life. The parent was stockpiling food in the house all in preparation for the end. I lived in constant fear of them and of what I thought was about too happen. Although the association with the cult ended when I reached about 15 years of age up untill deep into my 20s I still believed that the world was going to end and I woke each day expecting to die. Living a life like this for so long had a bad effect on me

    Now at the age of 31 I no longer believe the end of the world is coming to an end but now I want to die. Each day is a struggle for me to get out of bed. Sleep is my only relief. I spend some days laying on the floor in my room wanting to be free of the pain and confusion that rolls around in my head. When the pain comes I feel it in my chest so much I struggle to breath and I just want it to stop.

    I recently went to see a doctor and told them that I think I have depression. I was referred to a therapist but I don't tell them that I want to die. I tell them that I'm struggling with having a schizophrenic parent who continues to cause trouble in my life. I'm afraid to tell them the truth that I want to die becuase I'm afraid that they'll have me put away.

    I'm sorry there's so much more I want to write but I don't want to write too much. It hurts a lot. Thank you for reading. I hope sharing this may help somebody else with their own struggle. Maybe someone has a similar story.
  8. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :hug: firstly welcome to the forum :shake:

    i read what you have written :hug: im sorry your suffering so much at the moment :( of course nobody here will think you crazy - you dont need to worry about that... telling a therapist that there are times when you feel suicidal wont automatically mean that they will put you in hospital... it COULD mean that you get the appropriate treatment both medically and in terms of therapy and it will help you get rid of those particular feelings... if you did end up in hospital for a period of time again - it depends on how you look at it - it can be viewed negatively or positively in terms of starting to feel better...

    but we are here to support you and offer you friendship when you need it :hug: i hope that you find the forum helpful
  9. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I think you should open up to your therapist, they cant fully help you unless your honest with them. It will be hard, and you will feel like you wont be believed, at least thats how I felt, but they can start doing something for you, help you out of your dark place. You may be put on meds, but oyu wont be looked up unless your a direct threat to yourself at that particular time ie you have a plan of action and are about to carry it out. I know this because I was sectioned for planning to kill myself, I had stock piled meds and everything.
    I'm sorry you had to endure that as a child, and you are a strong person for getting through it.
  10. sAd1

    sAd1 Member

    Thank u Sparkle & Mysheep.

    I'm not anywhere near ready to tell the therapist even though I know I should one day.

    My hurt is the experience I went through and the damage it did to my life. And I don't know if there is anything they can do or say to change that. Or any medication they can give to make that go away. What cults do to minds is damaging and poisonous. The people in them are vile creatures. Even when you break away from these organisations of evil the damage still stays and eats away at you always. It drains away your soul and your life. I don't know if the therapist can understand that.
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I am sure you will find plenty of people that understand what it is like to always put on that mask and wish to be free of it if only briefly. Feel free to tell us what you need in terms of support so we can do just that. I do know what cults can do to your mind and you may be surprised at your therapist. I had the same fears, but when I was finally brave enough to begin telling mine she understood much better than I thought. They need the whole story in order to help you. :hug:
  12. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. I hope you find peace here, and begin to feel better
  13. sAd1

    sAd1 Member

    Hi and thank you Gentle Lady and Adam Kadamon.

    Gentle Lady: I hope to tell a therapist one day but at the moment I can't. I'm too mixed up and I don't think I could explain the story without becoming confused and emotional. It brings out so many emotions and hurt and anger!! that I wouldn't be able to tell it to some1 without becoming erratic and crazy. Maybe if I can learn to talk to people here I'll be able to tell someone face to face when the time is right.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this. It means a lot. I hope I don't write too much.
  14. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    Welcometo the forum, love. It's so good to have you here.
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