Discussion in 'Welcome' started by thrillseeker, Jul 20, 2010.

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  1. thrillseeker

    thrillseeker Active Member

    I'm 22, my names Alex... I tried killing myself about a month and half ago, and have been trying hard to change myself since. I feel lost right now, lost all of my friends (heh if you can even call them that), had my heart broken by someone I cared about who was using me the entire time, abused drugs, abused alcohol, spent more money then some would make in a year in 2 months (broke now), flunked my whole semester at uni, totally fucking lost it.... been clean from coke for about a year, slipped about 2 months ago, haven't done it since.... And haven't had a drink in months at least..

    Where I am right now? Well I was let out of the hospitals psych ward about 4 days after my failed suicide ( a month and change ago). I wanted to just walk out during a "smoke break" and jump in front of a bus. That place was hell, it was also all french... which I speak none of.... which didn't help things. I met someone there my age (who actually spoke fluent english)... and was once there for the same reason (some chick played with his head). He gave me hope again.... it's been awhile since I've been out now and I've stopped taking the shit they gave me (Remeron). I'm now starting to feel down again. Mood swings and all of that. My GP really doesn't give a shit, and I don't have a psychiatrist or anyone to talk to. If my experience taught me anything, is that you TRULY are alone in this hell. No matter what anyone tells you, there will be a day they betray you, and if you don't have yourself, you have nothing..

    Just wondering what my next step should be: drugs, school, look for help, etc. many thoughts going through my mind. Anyway, glad to be a member and maybe I'll find an answer here on how to find meaning and/or happiness... Just want to be happy again and forget about this girl at this point...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2010
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Well I would say get help, maybe try meds, and therapy. What services do you have available to you?
    Welcome to the forum tho, and I hope you find support here :) there are alot of people that have been through similar experiences
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    :hiya: Alex welcome to the forum, and listen to the sheep^^ some great words there.

    Take Care

  4. thrillseeker

    thrillseeker Active Member

    The psychologist at the hospital gave me a card to other therapists/psychiatrists I could try calling, but he said they'll cost (a lot). I sort of looked into this a bit and apparently psychotherapy is covered, but that's it. He said I could even go see him again... but not sure if I want to since he said I'm not clinically depressed... (after 2 sessions). Truth of the matter is that I've felt bad for a long time now, it just took everything else to push me over the edge.

    Apparently I could go to my universities clinic and get help... but I don't want them thinking I'm mentally unstable or anything... which is why I haven't really looked into it... I'm starting a summer course there next week, I just don't think I'm ready, it just feels so worthless at this point.

    I went to my GP and she gave me a referral and an appointment (for NEXT year!).

    Oh and forgot to mention, I'm in Canada.
  5. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    Hi Alex. Congratulations on staying clean. If the clinic at the university is available to you I would suggest you go. Nobody else has to know. What the people at the clinic would see is someone that has problems that's trying to get help. There's nothing wrong with that. Good luck. I hope to see you around.
  6. thrillseeker

    thrillseeker Active Member

    Heya UnkelHeit. Thanks, no one has said that to me yet! Feel proud about myself for it, especially since I went from binging these substances, to going cold turkey... it was hard on me mentally, and I should of gotten help earlier instead of trying to do that on my own.

    Yeah that seems like the best course of action. I'm done feeling sorry for myself, and ready to start living again. And that seems like the path to take to get there. I don't think I need meds, so I agree with the pdoc's dx. Just need someone to talk to and to vent, as most of this has been hidden away from my family (even the girl I was seeing was hidden away from her bf... and unlike her, I have a concious). Was living a secret life, then was suffering in silence... Never touching substances again.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you should focus on school.. When you graduate everything else will fall into place..I wish I had your drive.. I can't even pass a stupid GED exam..How patheic is that.. I have short term memory loss due to the meds I take and can't remember anything I have read..So like I said make your focus school right now..
  8. thrillseeker

    thrillseeker Active Member

    Yeah seemed I had a bit of that trying to keep on top of my studies while depressed. It can be a deadly combination, especially since you are on meds as well (ugh). I stopped taking the 30mg of Remeron because even though it made me happier, it REALLY sedated me... was lucky to stay awake for for thn 6 hours a day on it. Might sound crazy, but I'm more mentally stable then I WAS before I did what I did... There may have been another road to take to get me to where I am, but I'm still here now, and stronger than before, so I hope school goes a little better. I mean, I bled away all of my distractions. I've been trying my hardest to forget the past, but now I'm learning it's much easier to accept it, even embrace it, and move on and live in the moment. Stop dwelling on what the future may bring and just breathe...
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I also wish to congratulate you on staying clean. Don't be afraid to seek out support whatever you can. The more tools you have available to you, the better you will learn to deal with these feelings. I know Canada has a type of socialized medicine but I don't know how it works. Are services covered in psychotherapy? You may need to be on some type of medication for awhile to help restore the chemical balance in your brain. Keep lines of communication open with someone and don't let those feelings continue to build until you no longer feel in control of your situation. We are one avenue you can use. i hope you find what you need. :hug:
  10. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Alex,
    Congrats on getting clean , i know all too well what thats like . i dont have any pearls of wisdom to give u right now , but i can say that u can lean on us for support , thats hat we are here for . i hope that u do find some sort of support or even happiness here
    all the best
  11. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I just thought of something.. Remron is what most pdocs use to help people sleep at night..Maybe ask your doc about geodon for your irrational thoughts and lamitcal for the mood swings.. I'm on both and they work pretty good..You may have some side affects from the geodon but they can give you cogentin to help with those.. Good luck..
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