Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MichaelV, Aug 9, 2010.

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  1. MichaelV

    MichaelV New Member

    Hi, I usually dont blab my problems or issues to others but seeing as though I am effecting everyone around me with my anger, I didnt think it would hurt to try.

    I am currently 20 years old and I have been living with my mom who is dying of cancer. She has had breast cancer since I was in 4th grade and it has now spread to stage IV breast cancer which has spread to bone. =(

    I have virturally no other close family. My dad was never around and I have a brother who suffers from ADD and Tourrets.

    Its hard because at times I feel so alone and right now I have a fairly good job but in this economy, I couldnt afford anywhere to live even if I tried. I feel like everything I have always known is being taken away from me =(

    I try so hard, I volunteer so much, I work with children, and donate what little I have to better others and have worked two jobs since high school.

    The problem is I am suffering horrible depression. I sometimes cannot control my self and when I get angry I hit my self on my body and my head until I cry. The worst part I think about is not how badly I feel all the time, but how horrible my mom feels. I see the pain in here eyes every single day. She probably feels so horrible at her self in side and it makes me just want to die. How would you feel if you were slowly dying away and leaving your children. She has gone through so much to take care of us and has been through so many obstacales, and now this is the one situation she has no control over. She is the best mom in the world. She never went to college and dispite my horrid dad, she got a good job and took care of us.

    She started volunteering at a new station and the local zoo and that was her everything. She was overrun by the cancer and now is refined to taking Fental the strongest pain killer due to the horrible pain she feels everyday =( She rarley gets out of the house or let alone her bed room.

    I have tried praying, wishing, dreaming, loving, crying, yelling, and nothing seems to help my situation. I even tried killing my self once =(. I took a bottle of sleeping pills. Which later I realized how thankfull I am all it did was make me pass out. Dying of kidney failure is a horrible death.

    I know what everyone will say, be strong, it will get better. But you know, you only have one mom in this world and when she is gone, that impossible connection between anyother human being will be long lost.

    I am in need of help, I feel I will drive everyone who does love me, away from me. =( I dont know what to do. We have no money, a falling down house, and not much hope...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2010
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.

    I so feel for everything you wrote.

    Can I ask what country you are in? Do you have any sort of support to help you deal with a, the cancer and its affect on you, and b, your mental health?

    I think that presuming what people will say is not sensible because you don't know what people will say. Only somoene stupid would tell you to be strong and it will get better. Right now your mum is dying and its horrific for you both. Its expected and ok to feel wretched, sad, angry, all those things and more.

    Please keep talking. It's not 'blabbing' its releasing what's going on and also provides an opportunity to be heard and maybe someone can suggest something that might help ease the loneliness you feel right now.
  3. MichaelV

    MichaelV New Member

    Thanks, and I am in the United States.

    Problem is I am so horribly busy =( working two jobs is not really a choice, but a must right now. I find little free time to talk to a doctor or anyone. Plus its hard for me to do it in person unlike it is over the internet.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Ah, yeh, I can see that would make things harder. I was sort of wondering if something like a support group for people whose relatives are suffering from cancer might be helpful for you. If you had been in the UK I could have suggested a variety of people who could have helped but my knowledge of the US is severely lacking. However, you might find googling your area might bring up some different options and opportunities for you.

    Do you have any siblings?
  5. MichaelV

    MichaelV New Member

    yea i have a brother , thats in the original post =(
  6. hearth

    hearth Member

    Cancer is a horrible thing. I lost both my mother and my only sibling, my sister, to cancer. I lost my father when I was a teenager, too, so I know what you mean about that connection being lost and what it is like to have no family. It's hard. Very, very hard.

    I think when you are very tired and drained, things look so much more bleak and terrible, and it is easy to feel drained all of the time when you are caring for someone with cancer.

    Please take a little time to take care of yourself. You work so hard, and it's admirable, but it can help a lot to rest and recharge. It isn't being greedy or selfish. If you take care of yourself, you will have more energy and strength to help your mom with what she is going through and also to help yourself get through this difficult time.

    If you think some local support would be helpful, you could try seeing if there is a social worker or similar at the hospital your mom is being treated at who can help you find something.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Michael. :hug:

    I am so sorry to hear how things are for you. You have a lot of things on your plate. I'm glad you were able to come here and share some of it with us. Just talking about things when the world is going haywire can help.

    Where I live, the national cancer society offers various kinds of assistance to the families of cancer patients - counseling, relief care to give family/friends a break, help getting patients to appointments, to name a few. I just checked the American Cancer Society and they also offer similar services. Here's a link: http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/SupportProgramsServices/index. The Cancer Society is a good place to look for specific support related to dealing with your mom and her illness because they are very familiar with the ups and downs of the disease and the ways the whole family can be affected by a loved one's illness. I imagine they've encountered very busy schedules before and might have a flexible schedule so they can indeed see you when you are available. It's worth a shot, maybe, anyway.

    SF is also a good place to find support. We'll be here for you any time you want to vent, hun. As well as caring for your mother and your brother, remember to take care of yourself, too.

    :hug: and thinking of you,
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