Hi

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by silent_chaos, Aug 21, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    Need a way to retrain my thoughts! It's taken over ever thought of ways to kill or hurt myself, why is this happening, I try to do things that are distracting but I just end up making my friends sad to see me like this. I'm quiet, I never use to be! I tried to commit suicide a month ago, I got scarred and called a friend. I don't want to be around myself any more, hard to explaine the feeling of being agrivated at yourself and wanting to not be around yourself. I feel alone and empty. More and more I seclude myself and make excuses of why I don't go out with my friends, they pretty much have stopped calling me! I don't want to be like this. I go and see my doctor on Tuesday follow up on my meds, which don't seem to be helping, I think it's wierd she put me on the same meds I OD on. I'm hoping for a med change but sometimes I don't speak up for myself. If anyone has the time to chat I would appriciate it. I've been told beffore to come in chat room but I can't I use my I pod touch as a computer which means it dosnt suppose a flash player for chat room. But I do have messenger. Featherinspiration @yahoo.com
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    write out what you want from you doctor and hand it to her okay prior to going there i hope you get a med change to make yu feel better.
     
  3. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I'm feel like I'm falling into a never ending hole of depression. I'm alone and afraid of my own thoughts, will this ever go away. I cannot and will not live like this. I will not walk this earth. I keep trying to think of reasons to keep going! I feel like I'm loosing the battle!
     
  4. Wade

    Wade Member

    I think the first thing you need to do is realize you know your body best and if the meds aren't working they need to be changed. Doctors rely a lot on what patients have to say as they can't enter a persons body to gauge how they feel and diagnose accordingly. If something isn't working as intended you need to let them know, what consequences could possibly be worse than what you're going through? And it seems like if friends aren't calling you then call them, you're able to recognize that you've become a little antisocial, so if it doesn't seem to overwhelming and you're afraid you wont have anything to say try to figure out some situations where you could hang out with people without having to communicate as much like a movie or something.
     
  5. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I'm just not sure why I'm feeling like this. I have reason to, I have a good job, I love working there, and the people I work with are great! The owner was very nice about me taking a medical leave till I got better, I'm back at work but I don't feel better! I have friends and family that love me they think I'm an awsome person and I do to. I make friends easily. I'm there when people need my help, I'm the type of person they can call for anything any time. But why can't I be there for myself. I've always had depression but I've never been this far down this long!
     
  6. Wade

    Wade Member

    I'm not trying to get personal but what is you're day to day life generally like? Things mite seem small but they do stack up, even little stuff like diet can have a giant impact on your mood (eating healthy really does make your body AND mind feel better). And I'm not sure what your home environment is like but I know dealing with different situations (playing mediator in your family, talking to a sibling or friend who has problems like alcoholism etc.) can have a pretty big impact on how you feel depending on how much you deal with it. Things that seem trivial have often had a pretty surprising effect on how I have felt throughout my life.
     
  7. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    My day life is however it comes. I work. Come home come on this site, I rely on it so much right now! I go out with friends to the movie, to the river, or just hang out! But I feel unsafe, vulnerable, home sick not to long of being out! I push myself to go out and try to keep myself busy. I live alone, well with my bird.
    I'm lonley can't keep a relationship cause I jump into them to fast and they don't work out cause I didn't get to know them very well.
    I push myself at work and there's no reason to, I'm hard on myself.
    I don't eat healthy, most the time I go days without eating my anxiety keeps me from leaving the house. It's overwhelming to walk into a big store. Most the time I ask a friend to come with me, I feel pathetic doing that.
    I know I need to see a counsoler, but I realy don't have the money right now!
    And I don't like how I've needed to tell my story all over again when the cousilor leaves or retires, or is just there for the job and in the middle of deep talking they look at the clock and say times up and leave me wide open and raw! I've only found one good councilor out of a dozen since age 12.
    My family only calls me when they need something, which bugs me alot. I'd like to think I'm use to it by now but I still get my feelings hurt. And I say yes every time just to get that time with them. Even if it's unreasonable, causes me to miss work or something that has to do with money. Sorry this got into much more. But thanks for letting me spule my mind out!
     
  8. Wade

    Wade Member

    Relationships are hard, I don't really have a ton of advice on them as I am still trying to learn how things work :sigh:. Seems like working hard at a job is nothing to feel bad about though. Even if a promotion isn't in sight it doesn't mean people aren't paying attention, and I've been told my entire life that it's important to have some kind of a purpose even if it's just a job. That anxiety sounds pretty horrible though, have you talked to a doctor specifically about that? It seems like getting anxious and avoiding shopping which results in not eating mite lead to being even more anxious as your health, and mental faculties, begin to decline. I would also try to talk to the doctor about the counseling issues if you haven't, I can't really make any guarantee's on how much they will be able to help, but I'm sure they have run into cases like this before and know where resources exist for people without vast incomes. The only problem I can imagine with counselors like that is what you have already described happening to you :(, but trust me some people really do care. Have you ever told your family how you feel by the way? Not necessarily about them being unreasonable (though I would make plans to confront them about that at some point) but just that you're depressed in general, I can't speak specifically for your situation but people are usually surprised at what family members will get over and endure to help when they realize it is truly needed... and it never hurts to just call and talk to a family member purely for the purpose of talking.
     
  9. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I take anxiety meds. And my job is some times my escape from being alone and festering in my own thoughts.
    And like I said beffore speaking up for myself is not one of my strengths. Although I have tried talking to my family about it, they just get mad and say it's not true. I sometimes forget to take my meds and have become erashinal and spoke my mind. That's when I drive people away that care about me the most it's like I test them to see how much they do care, but I don't think about what I'm doing till the damage is done. They do know what I'm like and know when I have not taken my meds and remind me to go take them. When I'm back to myself I apologize and things are ok again. It's wierd that I get like that if I miss one day of meds!
    I feel bad about taking up resorces that less unfortanate need more then me. This state is in shambles. I've tried getting into the county mental health but there not taking people that arnt on state assistance. Thier on over load with less money to work with, and more people needing help. I am thankfull for what I do have cause I know I could become another victim of the economy. Sometimes I do take it for granit.
     
  10. Wade

    Wade Member

    It isn't taking up resources if you need them. The fact that some people are worse off than you doesn't mean you don't deserve help as well. I just meant to see if your doctor mite know anything outside of the main county program that could assist you. Have you tried anything to help you remember your meds? I know it mite seem like the containers where you measure a weeks worth of pills are for older people, but if they help.. There's more advanced ones I've seen as well that actually remind you vocally but I have no idea what prices would be, it just seems like remembering them mite be important as that kind of sounds like the cause of some of your family problems :(. When you talk to your family about how they make you feel are you usually on your meds? I just ask because I have known people in the past who had valid problems with people but couldn't express them without yelling and immediately putting the other person on the defensive because they hadn't taken their meds, I'm just making sure you have tried to have a thought out (maybe even rehearsed on your end) conversation with your family. And again I'm not trying to be to personal or anything, don't feel obligated to talk to me lol.
     
  11. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    Yep I was on my meds when I talked with them. I'm not a loud person I'm not into yelling or vulger language. Only at myself I do that.
    I have been taking my meds religiously since my OD. I went without my meds for 3 weeks after cause they didn't trust me to give me any more! It was tourture and I still don't have custody of my meds. But I'm given a few days at a time from a friend. I turned them over willingly cause I still feel unstable. I've been back on my meds for 3 weeks. And feel just above barable. Like there is one small thing that could set me off and hurt my feelings. After I handed over my meds I turned to a knife and cut my arm up! I'm very ashamed of the scares I wear now, and self concious about it. Even if it's 100 outside I'm wearing long sleeve shirt to hide it. My co workers know about it and they are very respectful about it, they don't ask and they don't treat me different. I want to get better I want myself back! Thank you Wade for your input and ideas.
     
  12. Wade

    Wade Member

    No problem :smile:. And to me it seems like you've already put yourself on the road to feeling better. Other than eating right if you're trying hard to take the meds on time and talking to you're family and doctor about it when you can there isn't much else to do. Sometimes people just need time to sort things out and figure out who they are, pretty soon it will feel like it would take a couple small things to hurt you and set you off, then it will take many, then eventually you'll realize if someone has a problem its theirs, not yours. If I were you I would just keep trying to slowly make my family realize how they treat me, and to just plain keep on keeping on. Situations change, just give it time.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.