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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by chipped_d, Nov 1, 2010.

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  1. chipped_d

    chipped_d Member

    I wrote a long message, and the thing timed out and the whole monologue got wiped. I don't have the energy to write it all again. It's probably for the best; it isn't anything new to my counselor or peer group, anyway. Suffice to say I think my suicide is inevitable. At first it was based of a strong mindless panic and feeling of being trapped; then it was a deep feeling of depression. Now I barely feel anything, but I still think of it. I don't have a passion or close friends, and people give me advice but in the end I want someone to hold my hand and make my problems disappear. But no, I'm a big girl now, and I have to make my own decisions. It's just that, when I make the decision, I end up here. College sucks.

    I read this and even I don't sympathize with myself. Teetering...
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi chipped,
    Well you came to the right place if it's friends you want.. We are all in the same boat.. Some of us still in crisis and others who have made progress.. I hope you don't go down the suicide path..You are welcome here and you can vent all you want..We will listen and offer you support..As far as the system logging you out.. When you sign on there is a little box on the upper right that says remeber me.. Check that box and you shouldn't have that pronlem any more..Take care and Stay Strong!!
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...sorry about the computer stuff...there are many ppl here who truly know how you feel...please stay and tell us more about yourself and get the support and caring you deserve...welcome again, J
  4. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Welcome to the forum Chipped. You don't have any idea how I can relate to what you're going through as well. I'm in college too. And I'd never seen how pleasure can be made as of the moment. If you need someone to talk to, just PM me or write a message on my profile. Hope you'll find inner peace in here. Hugs!
  5. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, you will find persons willing to 'hold your hand' here. Its good to have a peer - group support system, especially when someone can relate to you hence developing a genuine bond in grief or mirth. Talk things out..rant if you want to, its better to remain temporarily elusive to that 'mindless panic' which can lead to reinforced feelings of self - depreciation. College yeah, it can be unnerving.

    pm if you want to chat :hug:
  6. chipped_d

    chipped_d Member

    Thanks all. I wrote this last night feeling down. And I've woken up feeling trapped, again.

    I recently joined a "prestigious" university - meaning really a school with an incredibly large tuition. It's a good school, but I've begun to doubt whether it's worth the price. I started out in one major, thinking I had my whole life planned out, but I realized it didn't suit me. That's when I first had suicidal thoughts. I felt trapped. I ended up not going through it, getting help, and dropping out of my major to undecided. I was okay for a while, and I began to forget about the tuition and make a reasonable goal for a major and minor. But recently my mother's brought up tuition again, making me feel like simply cruising in school isn't enough. They tell me they can pay for my tuition but I know we're having financial difficulty. I don't have a job, and I'm not even smart or resourceful enough to find grants and loans. All my classes are based on essays, and that's even worse, because I don't have the concentration to write many essays in a short amount of time.

    I feel like a parasite, leeching my parents of their money, my brothers' of their future chances to go to good colleges. All I have is excuses and self-hatred. And they tell me it's okay, supporting is what family does, but I feel like I've done this all my life and I'll be doing this all my life. It almost seems like a whim now that I decided to go here.

    Self-pity, this is what this is. Sometimes I feel alright - it's not bad, just get to work, don't think about it - and sometimes I feel absolutely worthless. Sometimes I think it would be best for everybody if I just disappear. My friends are getting tired of me whining - my insecurity is pushing them away more than the physical distance between us. I can't talk to them about it. I don't have anything that makes me passionate. What am I doing here?
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