Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by johnnyo, Nov 24, 2010.

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  1. johnnyo

    johnnyo Member

    Hi again. It's been a while since I was here...first introduced myself a few weeks ago as I was feeling quite suicidal. Since then I've started on some meds, but its been too short of time for any significant impact to occur. The last couple days I've been having so many more of those thoughts.

    So what's my deal? Stress from all directions and lack of appropriate coping mechanisms. I isolate myself, and don't reach out when I should, especially to my wife as I don't want to create stress for her. She's pregnant with our third try for a baby, has new job and a million other things on her plate so I don't want to add more stress...even though she says she is strong enough to handle it.

    I've been numb and emotionless for so long. When I went to the doc the other day and told him the depression was back with a vengence and that I was suicidal, he asked if I had plans. Yep. If I had worked it all out. Yep. It's just a matter of when. Years ago (12+) I made a feeble attempt with an overdose but called a crisis line in my stupor. All that did was result in the cops at my door. My doc said that here in Canada the crisis line won't call the cops on you. Not sure if I believe that or not....especially since in Canada the govt is always trying to save us from ourselves with all the moronic laws/regulations that put in place to protect people. But I digress.

    Won't make that mistake again if I make another attempt as I won't do it unless I'm really serious, and what is the point of asking for help if one is really serious. At least this is my view on it....not saying it should be anyone else's.

    So anyway....I guess I'm writing this because sometimes it helps to write a bit and to know someone....even a total stranger....might read it and have a sense of what I'm feeling. I don't know what I am looking for....though hugs would be nice. I'm just feeling pretty low today and I guess I'm looking for some contact/connection. Thanks for reading....
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hey there!

    I hope that you don't try to kill yourself!

    I think that the medication could be part of why your suicidal feelings have increased. That doesn't mean you should necessarily stop your meds, but hopefully the doctor is aware and can make any adjustments needed.

    If you think your wife has stress now, it would be a million times worse if you killed yourself.

    hopefully the meds will start to help soon!

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. johnnyo

    johnnyo Member

    Thanks for your note. I'm not stopping the meds. I'm also pretty sure they aren't increasing the thoughts of suicide as I feel the same as I did before I was on them. In any case, I know the meds are only part of the potential solution so I'm trying to give them a chance. I'm set to see a therapist on Friday, but I'm not really in a place where I believe that will be productive....which is kind of a prerequisite based on my previous experience. And yes I know that suicide will create a whole new level of stress for my family/friends. But what am I supposed to do? Suffer in silence for their sake? When does it become about me and the pain that I feel? Someone will always get hurt, regardless. But I think I'm the only one ultimately responsible for me.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you don't have to suffer in silence You can come here and vent and chat and talk it out okay. I hope your meds work soon real soon so you can start feeling better take care.
  5. johnnyo

    johnnyo Member

    Thanks Violet. I've read a lot of your posts and like what you have to say. Glad you are here reaching out to people. Maybe someday I'll be in a position to do that too.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i am sure you can and will help others in time but look after you now okay. You are the important one now.. take care.
  7. ali 56

    ali 56 Well-Known Member

    I am sending you a big warm hug from cold and freezing England. Do not worry about the cops I had them on my case in October and I managed to fob them off wtih some lies !! Dreadful I know but it was not an experience I care to go through again. I hope being here on the SF brings you a sense of connectivity with really nice people and it will give you some inner strength hopefully. Take care of yourself - Ali
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    oh, I don't think you should suffer in silence! sounds like it might be better to give them the lesser stress of letting them know how you feel than the much bigger stress of killing yourself!

    I hope things get better soon!
  9. salamanda

    salamanda Member

    You are destined for greatness. Don't hurt yourself. <3
  10. HeyKellieeee

    HeyKellieeee New Member

    Stay strong. Don't hurt yourself. You, no matter who you are, matter. I don't even know you and i care for your safety. Meds can increase the feelings but if you think you feel the same as before then I would say just watch and if you feel worse, talk to your doctor. Posting and venting is reaching out. I can tell you want things to work. You have some hope and that's the start of making things better. People will and have read this and offer help and suggestions. If you are ever in danger you should reach out. You matter so much to your wife and people who care about you and even me. I am always ready to listen. to Genuinely listen. I believe it is something most humans lack. No one was there for me so i will be there for as many people as i can be. Keep believing and keep trying! Keep reaching. <3
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