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Hello everyone, I'm not usually very good at introductions but I'll have a go.

I'm a 20 year old female and I'm pretty sure I've had depression for a while now (late 2009 at least). I've never been officially diagnosed, but I've read a lot about depression, as well as other peoples' experiences of depression, and I match up with most of it. I haven't been able to go to the doctor because I still live at home, which is in a very small area where everyone knows everyone else and I know if I went someone would see me and it would get back to my parents.

My parents are the type of people who think anyone with depression or any other mental health problem should just pull themselves together and stop being stupid, so I don't feel able to confide in them. In fact, I tried once at the start of it all (I have social anxiety problems too and was having panic attacks in university to the point that I found it terrifying to even leave my room to go to the canteen and physically couldn't make it to any lectures, which I think led to my depression) and just got shouted at, which made me feel even worse and I decided never to tell them anything about it again. I've been hiding how I feel from them ever since and I'm just so tired of putting on this act, so I was so happy to find this forum and hopefully have somewhere where I don't have to pretend I'm OK.

The reason I'm here is because after a few months last year of feeling reasonably OK and thinking I was cured, all the bad feelings are back and I'm worse than I've ever been. I cry all the time when I'm on my own, I think about suicide constantly and have started cutting myself. I had a few cutting episodes when I was younger, but only about three times in as many years. Now it's more like three times a week. I've even seriously considered going to the local A&E and trying to get myself into their mental health ward because I'm just sick of feeling so bad and having to act like I'm OK.

I don't think I actually want to die as such, it's more that I just feel completely worthless and I'm so tired of trying to live. I had friends in school but now we only communicate via Facebook and it's not the sort of thing you can talk about over Facebook chat, so I have no-one to talk to about any of this and no support when I'm feeling bad, which in turn makes it worse.

Sorry this is so long (it made me feel a bit better to type it all out) and thanks to anyone who reads it. :smile:

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi Diamonddust welcome to sf I think alot of parent just don't get it when it comes to depression Unless they have felt it themselves I hope you can get your doctor to maybe educate them some about it. Keep posting okay so others here get to know you.


Staff Alumni
Hi DD and welcome...it sounds like it is time to talk to a professional and see if you can get some relief...what you describe is not laziness of ill-will...and it is a wonder you are doing so well from what you describe...can you speak to someone who can help you access care? So glad you shared with us and welcome again, J
Hi Diamond, I'm so sorry your parents don't understand. What specifically are you afraid would happen if your parents found out you were seeking help? First off, you are not alone and this is not your fault. It's scary when you think the depression is gone and it comes back. Is it possible to try to sit them down and ask them to not get angry and tell them you need help. I've been journaling my feelings and it does help to write things out. Can you find some literature to show them so they can understand depression is not something you can just snap out of? Please keep writing so I can be there for you. You are not alone.
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