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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by oconomowoc, Dec 14, 2011.

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  1. oconomowoc

    oconomowoc New Member

    About myself: i'm 19 years old, female, bisexual, go to a kind of prestigious university, binge drink on weekends, get high during the weekdays, get fat every day, do school work sometimes, feel guilty more times.

    About my depression: i'm nonexistent. i float around, not really taking part of any activity. i stopped seeing a while ago. not out of blindness, just never looking closely at things.
    sometimes i'll be with friends and i'll come back... normal?... i'll feel again. like a sudden burst of cold wind; it's sweetly surprising and bitter.
    most of the time though, goodness just passes through me. someone will do something unbearably kind or stupid, like hold the door open or lightly brush against my hand, and i don't feel it. it'll make me cry.

    sometimes it hurts so much i wake up at 3 am, bent over, shaking, silently screaming with an episodic madness. i feel like i create false worlds for myself in those moments.

    About my beliefs: i think god doesn't exist, i think there is no inherent meaning in life, that anything beyond a self-referential statement is an assumption, we're physically deterministic agents who serve to complete functions of entropy, and that our sensory perceptions are limited.

    i think my beliefs prevent me from reaching my ideals, which are goodness, and the beauty i associate with it.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...glad you shared with us...when we are depressd, it seems like there is little space for other things; I have felt that many times...have you had any treatment? Sounds like you have many resources which can be empowered to assist you in feeling better...just a thought...and welcome again
  3. oconomowoc

    oconomowoc New Member

    when I went to boarding school my parents would drive me home once a week to go see a therapist and eat dinner with them. it was the most expensive "cure" they could think of, and it didn't work. we both ended up hating each other. i don't want to go through with that again. i've exhausted most resources: friends, family, suicide prevention, etc. and i'm still the same. i end up feeling guiltier and more depressed.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi and say that it is hart to form any type of belief system really when one is so depressed. I too seem to be fighting the darkness now for awhile but i like you seem to be walking away from the help the support we need to get well it is like why try. Depression does that hun i do hope you meet someone that can pull you out of that hole some hugs
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    welcome to suicide forums..
  6. BeingMe

    BeingMe Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF look forward to seeing you around here, Hope we can be of some assistance. :hug:
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