About myself: i'm 19 years old, female, bisexual, go to a kind of prestigious university, binge drink on weekends, get high during the weekdays, get fat every day, do school work sometimes, feel guilty more times. About my depression: i'm nonexistent. i float around, not really taking part of any activity. i stopped seeing a while ago. not out of blindness, just never looking closely at things. sometimes i'll be with friends and i'll come back... normal?... i'll feel again. like a sudden burst of cold wind; it's sweetly surprising and bitter. most of the time though, goodness just passes through me. someone will do something unbearably kind or stupid, like hold the door open or lightly brush against my hand, and i don't feel it. it'll make me cry. sometimes it hurts so much i wake up at 3 am, bent over, shaking, silently screaming with an episodic madness. i feel like i create false worlds for myself in those moments. About my beliefs: i think god doesn't exist, i think there is no inherent meaning in life, that anything beyond a self-referential statement is an assumption, we're physically deterministic agents who serve to complete functions of entropy, and that our sensory perceptions are limited. i think my beliefs prevent me from reaching my ideals, which are goodness, and the beauty i associate with it.