Hi

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by sobersuicidal, Dec 15, 2011.

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  1. sobersuicidal

    sobersuicidal New Member

    Here I am, unsure of why I'm sober and unable to endure any more pain. My wife said that my drinking was the problem until I fixed that. Then it was my violent behavior (hitting doors/walls), which hasn't actually occurred in years. Then, it was my emotional abuse and name calling.....I don't think I'm allowed to repeat the names I've been called by her. In our first marriage counseling session she said we had parenting issues, only to decide a month later that we don't actually have any parenting problems. If only I would stop being angry and yelling.....well, I stopped yelling and I apparently don't have the right to feel angry. It must be the fact that I'm a controller, except that I haven't actually controlled her. I've always caved to her manipulations, even to the detrement of my self-esteem. I abandoned my career and became a stay at home dad for her, moved twice across the country for her career.

    I was sexually abused as a child, abandoned by my father when I was 14 and have used drugs and alcohol to suppress the pain for 2 decades. I no longer have that escape. I can't numb my mind to my wife's apathy towards me anymore. I can't get it out of my mind that her wants, needs and opinions are of utmost importance and mine of inconsequential. I feel unimportant to anyone. I've been in plenty of therapy. The antidepressent doesn't work. The only way for me to stop hurting is to die. The only thing left to determine is how much longer I can hold out before I reach my tipping point of unbearable.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you need to get out of that toxic environment hun seperate and look after your needs now not hers okay Sometime that is for the best hugs
     
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Welcome.
    You're important here and we do care.
    Sometimes therapy doesn't work, but sometimes it's the therapist. Change to a new one and find out.
    Likewise antidepressants, the doctors may need to change your meds, or even find a combination that works for you.
    Take care of yourself, please post again soon. We're good listeners.
     
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