Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Chocolate Heartache, Feb 27, 2012.

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  1. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    Hi all. I'm Bex, I'm 25.

    I guess it's obvious from the fact that I'm here that things aren't going well. I'd just about escaped my abusive family, but I had a mental breakdown around 3 months ago and they're dragging me back. Quite literally - I'm physically disabled and when the time comes that I can't lie my way through any more, I will be pulled out of my wheelchair and locked back in their home. I'd worked my way out by getting a degree, a career, a flat of my own, but with the breakdown my career has gone, I can't pay for the flat any more, and there will no longer be any recourse to get out of my parents' house - it's easier to call an acquaintance or the police to effectively break in, find my wheels and get me out when they're taking me back to a home and a job. "Please take me from my parents and put me on a park bench" doesn't really work. As a teen my parents allowed their friend to rape me, repeatedly over 18 months, I don't want to think about what will happen to me if I go back. To top it off my mother makes frequent suicide attempts, and I'm scared that anything I do wrong will either hurt her, or she'll hurt my father.

    I guess I'm here, as in joining the forum, because I haven't worked out the details of how and when I'm going to do it, and I need to be able to talk about things with someone who doesn't know where I live and can't, therefore, immediately try to have me sectioned (I appreciate that this isn't a place I can talk about methods, but just to be able to say "I am suicidal.") I've already made one attempt on my life and screwed it up, and the mental health team I've seen since have been very kind, but haven't really had any solutions - I'm on medication that helps me sleep and slows me down but they can't take away the past, and they can't take away my family.

    So, er, yeah. Hi.
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI Bex.. welcome very much to you.. hope this website gives you a place to let it out safely.. you have been thru one hell of a lot of bad stuff.. i also do not have the solution for you but will just say we have some tihings in common and leave it at that.. i do know and understand.. take care adn hope to hear from you some more.. Jim
  3. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    Thanks Jim. I'm still a little shaky on my method, so I'm around for the foreseeable - I thought I had it, but I don't think I can drink enough of this stuff, and keep it down, to kill me. I don't have a reliable plan B that wouldn't rely on being able to get my legs to work (for example, most local buildings worth jumping off have a barrier you have to climb over,) so you're stuck with me for a bit.

    I'm going to talk to my social worker again tomorrow and my psychiatrist on Wednesday, but I can't see any realistic progress or incentives to stick around longer than I have to. They're a lovely team, they really are, but there's bugger all they can actually do.
  4. Lebe

    Lebe Well-Known Member

    Hey Bex.... I'm here if you need a chat, stay strong and hopefully i'll see you around xx
    Leah :)
  5. poster2747

    poster2747 Member

    Hi Bex

    My heart goes out to you.

    My family have also been abusive.

  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Hi Bex, welcome to the forum.
    Your career has gone, may I ask why?
    Is your mother a victim of the same treatment you received, or was she a perpetrator? If she has means could you maybe get her to move in? Sorry if I am making obvious suggestions.
  7. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    Windlespoons, it's quite complicated - my mother has obviously been a victim at some point in her life, and she is still unwell, but she's now the main perpetrator and would be the one locking me up and hurting me. It was she who gave permission to her friend to rape me, and she's the one hitting my father, not the other way round. She makes a lot of gestures of suicide, but I think at times they're more about showing how she feels than genuine attempts to die (last time she'd called an ambulance before she'd finished taking the pills,) but I'm terrified she'll either do something more serious to herself, or make a 'gesture' more fatal than she intended.

    She obviously needs my support, not for me to run off and kill myself, but I can't live on this knife-edge any more. I've been lying for months now, say the wrong thing and she'll hit my father, or hire a van to come and fetch me, or overdose; say the right thing and everything stays OK... for now. I'm not strong enough to carry that responsibility any further.
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    She needs help Bex but as the victim of her abuse you cannot give it to her. Are there others in your parents home? Other siblings who may be going through similar things?
    The pattern you mentioned of saying the right thing is very unpleasant, it makes you feel like you are dancing to the abuser's tune. Will your father consider moving out?

    I know it is not easy but can you sever ties with them?
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Bex, I would consider keeping a knife hidden on you.. If this scumbag comes backlooking for more then you stab him.. Don't slice , stab...He'll get his in prison..He can't very well say he didn' do anything let him describe the stab wounds. Leave his blood on the knife,,Let him explain that one.I hate scum like that and child molestors.. They get everything do to them in prison .. The word spreads fast what someone is in for.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 29, 2012
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry to hear about your issues Bex. Are there any advocates in your area that you can turn to? Abuse is such a vicious cycle. Is your mother willing to seek help? You could support each other, but not if she is part of the ones that are abusing you. You do need to do whatever you can to get yourself out of this situation. I know how difficult it can be though. Can you turn her in for family member abuse? I am unsure what the laws are where you are at. I do hope you are able to get away though. You are strionger than you know. Maybe you can restart at your career. If you are still able to do it someone out there should be willing to give you the chance. Please take care of yourself and do your best to stay safe. :hug:
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