hi

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by diamond2, Apr 1, 2012.

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  1. diamond2

    diamond2 Active Member

    i've always been kind of suicidal. i remember in primary school everyone used to have to try to stop me. that's all i really remember n also everything i saw with my family. ive been told so much since i was a child and because i was a child i foolishly believed it...

    so here i am past 18 an age i wanted myself dead by. my boyfriend being the only reason i didnt kill myself and have kinda stopped cutting and overdosing. lately though ive just felt worse then usual if thats even possible. i cry over nothing all my memories flood back to me and make me question 'is my boyfriend exactly what i ran away from' not that he's ever been violent towards me unless we have a serious argument where i start off hitting him but although i love him im just not happy anymore. not with him or anything else.
    he knows about my depression and past including my suicidal attempts thanks to my ex-foster parent but some how i just think that no-body gets me or knows what im going through. i mean right now im living in a palce with about 10-15 other kids my age whove gone through either the same crap i have or worse and are all suicidal and i can usually talk anyone down from anything but with me i just dont know what to do.... i hate myself so much and my boyfriend dont help much and neither do other people.

    i mean what are you gonna do when u find urself sitting in a dark room all alone when ur scared of what's in the dark??
    i know what that means for me, im scared of my own imagination and mind. what it might tell me to do. so i dont tell any1 anything cause they do end up making fun of me being upset and hurting and just isolate myself in anything. work if i have it, drawing, poetry... killing myself slowly lol
    ive always had a fear of being left alone since i can remember due to my parents double suicide, deaths in the family and being told by those who i thought that loved me that every1 left me because of me and im never going to have any1 else then throwing me out on the streets. so now i guess isolation is the best cure right??

    i dont even know whats holding me back anymore.. im not scared of death or anything like that. i guess mayb im just scared of living bt dont know what to do.

    i need some1 to help me bt every1 i need always just walks away and the last person i trusted lead to me trying to jump of a bridge after trying to get me to have sex with him when i honestly just needed a friend.

    so thats basically me... emotionally unstable, sick to death of living, self loathing, always being used, deserted by loved ones and scared of living and my own mind.
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    oh honey, am so very sorry to read this, thank you for finding the site and for writing it out - there are very many caring people here who will always be here to help you through. Believe me when I say it's almost unimaginable what you have survived so far - I like your user name of diamond - I find the symbol of the diamond very comforting, it has helped me a lot to regain my sanity and right perspective. Please continue to post and offload, and please do know that there are people who really do care, and who are not out to use you or abandon you, honey. Welcome to SF and all it has to offer, hun

    p.s. I know what it's like to be scared of your own mind. But I'm not any longer - there are ways to come to understand it, please hold onto that.
     
  3. diamond2

    diamond2 Active Member

    thanks ur precious... n diamond is a name of some1 who kinda keeps me sane thats why i used it :)x
     
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    You're in a good place here. I think just about all of us are sruggling with something. Chances are that you'll find someone (or several) that can relate ti you.

    We're a compassionate community, we try to help each other with emotional support and encouragement

    Please post some more so we can get to know you, you can post what's on your mind here, without criticism or condemnation (as long as you stay within the FAQ)

    We care.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Noone will hurt you here hun or abandon you Isolation i do that it keeps one safe for awhile but it gets to lonely hun and it get to sad. You hang out here okay you will make new friends and meet people who do understand what you are going through. I too am glad you came here hun because now you won't have to hide anymore hugs
     
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