i've always been kind of suicidal. i remember in primary school everyone used to have to try to stop me. that's all i really remember n also everything i saw with my family. ive been told so much since i was a child and because i was a child i foolishly believed it... so here i am past 18 an age i wanted myself dead by. my boyfriend being the only reason i didnt kill myself and have kinda stopped cutting and overdosing. lately though ive just felt worse then usual if thats even possible. i cry over nothing all my memories flood back to me and make me question 'is my boyfriend exactly what i ran away from' not that he's ever been violent towards me unless we have a serious argument where i start off hitting him but although i love him im just not happy anymore. not with him or anything else. he knows about my depression and past including my suicidal attempts thanks to my ex-foster parent but some how i just think that no-body gets me or knows what im going through. i mean right now im living in a palce with about 10-15 other kids my age whove gone through either the same crap i have or worse and are all suicidal and i can usually talk anyone down from anything but with me i just dont know what to do.... i hate myself so much and my boyfriend dont help much and neither do other people. i mean what are you gonna do when u find urself sitting in a dark room all alone when ur scared of what's in the dark?? i know what that means for me, im scared of my own imagination and mind. what it might tell me to do. so i dont tell any1 anything cause they do end up making fun of me being upset and hurting and just isolate myself in anything. work if i have it, drawing, poetry... killing myself slowly lol ive always had a fear of being left alone since i can remember due to my parents double suicide, deaths in the family and being told by those who i thought that loved me that every1 left me because of me and im never going to have any1 else then throwing me out on the streets. so now i guess isolation is the best cure right?? i dont even know whats holding me back anymore.. im not scared of death or anything like that. i guess mayb im just scared of living bt dont know what to do. i need some1 to help me bt every1 i need always just walks away and the last person i trusted lead to me trying to jump of a bridge after trying to get me to have sex with him when i honestly just needed a friend. so thats basically me... emotionally unstable, sick to death of living, self loathing, always being used, deserted by loved ones and scared of living and my own mind.