Hi. My name is Ellie I am suicidal, and I have been so for many years. I am a self harmer, and I am slowly working through this I also have an anxiety disorder, and I am slowly working through that too. I am slowly getting better but I still struggle. I lost someone when I was 12 years old to murder, and the anniversary of that persons death a man collapsed, I rolled him over, and he died whilst looking at me, blood everywhere. His eyes were so alike the person whom I lost to murder, and it was their 1 year anniversary. I have had a few suicidal attempts that were actual attempts. The first main one was at 11 years old and I was thought not to be old enough to fully understand what I was going, I understood enough to make that decision. I had a blood test said I was fine. I had another one where I got so panic stricken and depressed over my only friend being put into hospital for the safety of themselves I blanked out, waking to see myself cutting, I found out I had been out for 40 minutes, I barely remember anything about that, it was not an attempt but it was a serious thing. My arm was bandaged and I was fine. The second attempt I was put into hospital overnight. Another blood test ruled out that there was nothing wrong with me. After that I realized that I needed to get better. A mental clinic said that there was nothing they could do for me, even though I had a history of OD and self harm. It made no difference in the end, I decided I would help myself alone, I have gotten through many things, but when I spend much time alone these feelings resurface. I am still struggling but I believe I am strong enough to overcome this, and I will. I am a good listener to anyone who needs it and sometimes I can even offer support and advice. But it would also be nice if someone could support me or give advice too. I was referred here from a different forum. I thank anyone who reads this and replies. It is rather long.