written yesterday; still true so posting. My therapist mentioned the other day - I think on the phone; I think on Friday - that when you reach the point when you're hiding any parts of how things are from your friends, spouse, supports, drs/treatment team...that's a sign that things are shifting (NOT for good) Well...I'm hiding a little of stuff. I have a plan. A new one. A sound and seemingly effective one. It came to me today in the Not Sleeping Hours. I'm not sure if it was a dream, but that doesn't really matter - I have it now. I do NOT have all the necessary items for said plan - and I am not making moves to acquire the stuff I don't possess. But it's in my head and it's not leaving; it's not just a passing "whatever" thought. It's my Official New Thing. So today I got up at 12:41, and I baked cookies and corn dogs and made my kids' school lunches; I took a long walk at 3:30am; I herded the children through the morning stuff, and I got them to school. I used my time well and researched sleep medicine in our area, and found a doc and printed and filled out their patient questionnaire. I even confirmed my appt with my md-doc for this morning, and got us there on time. And there, for the 30 minutes at the appointment, I had a clear mind, and an issue to focus on, and I dealt with it like there was nothing else the matter - and for the 30 minutes maybe there WAS nothing else the matter...nothing else that mattered at all... I asked good questions, we laughed, I was intelligent and engaged and present and alive. I sent updates out on what is next, to my BFF and CABF (California Best Friend), and I felt good; I felt better. But the 30 minutes came and went, and the fragile plans for the day went just a liiiiiiiiiiiitttle off balance, and the longer that fricking oil change dragged on and the more I circled the aisles of Walmart as I waited, the deeper I sank and the broodier I got. Then. Then, my CABF asked the bomb question: How are u feeling emotionally My mind wrenched back to 2am, and everything around me kind of grew dim, narrowing my focus to the scene, clear as a movie playing in my head. I know how it will go; I saw how it will end. I'm sad but I'm not afraid. Now, I don't want to lie to my CABF. Ever. I don't want to set that precedent in our friendship. But damn it! I know she's a mandatory reporter, and I know she is worried about me and I feel like I can't be fully honest anymore either. See, I started out 2 weeks ago knowing things in my head were off. I saw the doc; nothing improved -in fact the situation continued to deteriorate. So like a good girl I reached out to my therapist, my pdoc (at tdoc's insistence), my CABF. I started out two weeks ago, (or is it maybe now three?) thinking and saying and believing that I probably ought to be hospitalized, and two or three weeks ago I was willing. Then a week passed, and I got a little more comfy in my little pool full of crap. I still had the notion that the hospital would be a good, smart move, but I started to fight the idea a little more. And a little more. And now I'm flat out opposed to going, if we're really going to be preaching and practicing honesty. How I wish I had just kept quiet!!! I long for the simpler time before this secret struggle wasn't a secret. So, how to reply? How could I obfuscate the truth and skirt the issue without flat-out lying? "I don't know how to answer you," I said. "I am maybe a little less empty- feeling. I am just tired. I'm sure that's not what you were hoping to hear." That's what I said. What I didn't say is all the rest of the sentences in this entry. What I want to say, but am afraid to share now. I can't tell my BFF or CABF; my therapist, or my husband or my doc. I'd wind up 5150'd so fast. And rightly, I should be 5150'd, since clearly I'm ... we'll say "less cooperative" now than I was 10 or 12 or 15 days ago. And I'm just. NOT. Going there.