Hidden Things

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Phrick, Mar 24, 2015.

  1. Phrick

    Phrick Member

    written yesterday; still true so posting.

    My therapist mentioned the other day - I think on the phone; I think on Friday - that when you reach the point when you're hiding any parts of how things are from your friends, spouse, supports, drs/treatment team...that's a sign that things are shifting (NOT for good)

    Well...I'm hiding a little of stuff.

    I have a plan. A new one. A sound and seemingly effective one. It came to me today in the Not Sleeping Hours. I'm not sure if it was a dream, but that doesn't really matter - I have it now.

    I do NOT have all the necessary items for said plan - and I am not making moves to acquire the stuff I don't possess. But it's in my head and it's not leaving; it's not just a passing "whatever" thought. It's my Official New Thing.

    So today I got up at 12:41, and I baked cookies and corn dogs and made my kids' school lunches; I took a long walk at 3:30am; I herded the children through the morning stuff, and I got them to school. I used my time well and researched sleep medicine in our area, and found a doc and printed and filled out their patient questionnaire. I even confirmed my appt with my md-doc for this morning, and got us there on time.

    And there, for the 30 minutes at the appointment, I had a clear mind, and an issue to focus on, and I dealt with it like there was nothing else the matter - and for the 30 minutes maybe there WAS nothing else the matter...nothing else that mattered at all... I asked good questions, we laughed, I was intelligent and engaged and present and alive. I sent updates out on what is next, to my BFF and CABF (California Best Friend), and I felt good; I felt better.

    But the 30 minutes came and went, and the fragile plans for the day went just a liiiiiiiiiiiitttle off balance, and the longer that fricking oil change dragged on and the more I circled the aisles of Walmart as I waited, the deeper I sank and the broodier I got. Then. Then, my CABF asked the bomb question:

    How are u feeling emotionally

    My mind wrenched back to 2am, and everything around me kind of grew dim, narrowing my focus to the scene, clear as a movie playing in my head. I know how it will go; I saw how it will end. I'm sad but I'm not afraid.

    Now, I don't want to lie to my CABF. Ever. I don't want to set that precedent in our friendship. But damn it! I know she's a mandatory reporter, and I know she is worried about me and I feel like I can't be fully honest anymore either.

    See, I started out 2 weeks ago knowing things in my head were off. I saw the doc; nothing improved -in fact the situation continued to deteriorate. So like a good girl I reached out to my therapist, my pdoc (at tdoc's insistence), my CABF.

    I started out two weeks ago, (or is it maybe now three?) thinking and saying and believing that I probably ought to be hospitalized, and two or three weeks ago I was willing.

    Then a week passed, and I got a little more comfy in my little pool full of crap. I still had the notion that the hospital would be a good, smart move, but I started to fight the idea a little more. And a little more. And now I'm flat out opposed to going, if we're really going to be preaching and practicing honesty.

    How I wish I had just kept quiet!!! I long for the simpler time before this secret struggle wasn't a secret.

    So, how to reply? How could I obfuscate the truth and skirt the issue without flat-out lying?
    "I don't know how to answer you," I
    said. "I am maybe a little less empty-
    feeling. I am just tired.

    I'm sure that's not what you were
    hoping to hear."

    That's what I said.

    What I didn't say is all the rest of the sentences in this entry. What I want to say, but am afraid to share now. I can't tell my BFF or CABF; my therapist, or my husband or my doc. I'd wind up 5150'd so fast. And rightly, I should be 5150'd, since clearly I'm ... we'll say "less cooperative" now than I was 10 or 12 or 15 days ago.

    And I'm just. NOT. Going there.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2015
  2. TinyDancer

    TinyDancer Member

    I'm so with you!! I keep telling people that I'm not thinking of doing.......THAT ...anymore, all the while I'm on the Internet looking up ways to do it while I'm talking to them. I got on a chat with the Orange County Mental Health people this afternoon and they insisted on sending out a CAT team!!! Including 2 cops! Nooooooo, I told them. It was just a momentary thing.....
  3. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    I'm a little confused, because you don't say what this idea was - you only say you went to the doctor for sleeping pills. The response I'd give depends entirely on what your plans were.

    But here's what I will say. As far as truth goes, the main person you need to be honest with, is yourself. What you say to others, what you tell them, is a verbalization of what you're thinking. It's not an entirely separate thing.

    The only reason to lie, or to be untruthful by omission, is because you don't want to be honest with someone. If you don't want to be honest with someone, I think you ought to ask why that is.

    Based on what you're written here, you seem to not want to be truthful with a very good friend because you are afraid of the consequences. That either means you're afraid of the ramifications of the truth, or ultimately you don't trust this person you can is a very good friend.

    If you were dead certain of your plans, why would you hide them from friends and family (assuming they're people you trust otherwise). Can I assume you don't want this person to know because the actions you are planning are destructive in some way?

    As for the person being a mandatory reporter, that infers they're somewhat professional in some regard (you don't say how they became an MR). So aren't they someone to trust?

    As for "Momentary thing" - the fact is, the worst things can happen in a moment. That's all it takes. The best indication of future behavior is past behaviour. Which is not to say you can't change, of course you can. But people operate on what they know. if you're not honest with them, then obviously you lose credibility.

    The thing about help is, you've got to want it. Subterfuge isn't a legitimate way to mend ourselves.

    So I say have a moment of reflection. Ask why you feel you can't be honest. If the answer to that is that you're afraid, because what you're thinking would hurt yourself or others, reconsider. The good friends around you are part of your support team.
  4. Phrick

    Phrick Member

    The idea was/is my life exit plan. I have known since I was young (13 or so) that my life WILL end in suicide, it's not an IF or a MAYBE. It's a WHEN. Which I shared with my friend (and, for the record, with my therapist) and immediately regretted it because the consequences could be so great. So yes, it is a destructive plan. It's not a "right now" plan though. I have to make it 20 more months at a minimum, to get out of the suicide clause on my life insurance. The reality of my life is that I might see 60 years of age (so I've got about 20 years left, give or take a few)

    This friend, she works at our church. All the paid staff there are MRs. She was my friend before I realized she was employed by the church, and I actually found out through a different church employee that they're all MRs, it's not something she directly told me. She is someone trustworthy - she cares deeply and passionately for me, and it absolutely scares the sh*t out of me. If I'm THAT honest, what happens next? Will she walk away? I would. Will she freak out? I would. Will she call 911, and when I get home there will be cops at my door? Will I lose what I have? Is it a risk worth taking? It ruins everything.

    I feel like I can't be honest not because I'm just afraid - it's so far beyond afraid. I choke on the terror, I feel like I'm going to lose the best thing that ever came my way and the risk is so, so much more than I can bear.
  5. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    Understand, Phrick, I'm a sufferer too. So it's the blind leading the blind, as it were. So take my words in context.

    We're all mortal. Suicide isn't the only way we go. So planning for our deaths is something all of us have to do at some point. I try not to think about it too much, because I want to enjoy the time I do have. But I've had suicidal thoughts, like many others here.

    I'm curious though - if you are so certain it's the right path for you. If you're so convinced it's how things will be - what is the fea in sharing? What is the fear in other people knowing? Is it possible that there is a teeny-tiny bit of you that knows the choice you are making is just that, a choice?

    Are you in any kind of treatment right now? We've got to keep those professionals in work, you know!
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You would not be mandated for anything you have shared here at all- the lack of items and the admission of having things to do and saying is 20 months away etc-- all that makes very clear you are not imminent threat and is no way you would be mandated for having thoughts of killing yourself monthsn and years for now. Thoughts do not get you mandated period- intent to act immediately is the typical threshold.

    Sharing with friends these thoughts is your call , but I see no point in even go to therapist if not sharing these with them as they would no way get you mandated and lacking that seems like quite a waste of time to bother with a therapist just to chat.... just my opinion of course.
  7. Phrick

    Phrick Member

    I'm working on the being honest part, NYJmpMaster - it's coming, just slowly. What I said here was kind of the brain dump AFTER I saw her yesterday (and was pretty friggin honest). I don't want to waste anyone's time, but at the same time I struggle to just dive in head first with no fear.
  8. tacoper8er

    tacoper8er Member


    This is the only place I am honest about it, and that is just recently when I joined the forum. I am scared to death to tell anyone out here how I feel or what I am thinking. So I just avoid people almost completely. I hope it gets better for you and glad you have some people that care to ask, hold on to that.
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is your time and stress I am concerned with Phrick, not the therapist. My understanding was you were going and not telling her and thta was making you feel bad. My point was if you are not going to share so there is a possibility of real help , plus it makes you feel bad, then it is a negative as opposed to a positive. Don't worry yourself about wasting there time, you are after all paying them. But be kind to yourself and do not waste your own time - get the help you need. :hug: